The Project Gutenberg EBook of Witty Pieces by Witty People, by Various
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Title: Witty Pieces by Witty People
A collection of the funniest sayings, best jokes, laughable
anecdotes, mirthful stories, etc., extant
Author: Various
Editor: Anonymous
Release Date: July 6, 2013 [EBook #43101]
Language: English
Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WITTY PIECES BY WITTY PEOPLE ***
Produced by Demian Katz and the Online Distributed
Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (Images courtesy
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(http://digital.library.villanova.edu/))
The Popular Series of Choice Novels.
A BOOK OF FUNNY STORIES.
"Wondah ef dat bi-spi's got dun countin' yet?"
"Hey, you Willie Johnson! ef you don't quit taggin' so hard, I
ain't gwine play wid you no mo'." —Light.
ROYAL PUBLISHING CO.,
528 Locust Street, . . . . . . . Philadelphia, Pa.
OF THE
FUNNIEST SAYINGS, BEST JOKES, LAUGHABLE
ANECDOTES, MIRTHFUL
STORIES, ETC., EXTANT.
ILLUSTRATED WITH MANY STRIKING AND AMUSING
CUTS.
Copyrighted, 1894, by Crawford & Co.
PHILADELPHIA, PA.:
ROYAL PUBLISHING CO.
Mr. Bowser suddenly looked up from his paper the other evening and asked:
"Why is it that we haven't given a progressive euchre party this season?"
"They have been voted too much trouble," I replied.
"They have, eh? Did any one vote besides you? I saw half a dozen mentioned in the papers last Sunday."
"It's almost impossible to get thirty or forty people together on a certain evening, even if all desire to come. Mrs. Johnson calculated on eight tables and only had enough for five. Mrs. Dart calculated on——"
"Oh, bosh! What does a woman's calculation amount to?"
"But if people can't come and don't come, what are you going to do?"
"They can come, and they will come. It's all in the management."
"Well, I wish you'd try it."
"Do you? Very well, Mrs. Bowser; I shall give a progressive euchre party next week, Wednesday evening. If you'll see to the refreshments I'll see to the people."
"I'll be glad to, of course, but——"
"But what?"
"You must prepare yourself for disappointments."
"Oh, I must! How kind of you to give me warning! Mrs. Bowser, I don't want to seem vain or egotistical, but I'll invite thirty-six people here on that night, and for every one who fails to come I'll give you a $20 bill."
"You are very kind—very kind. I hope the party, will be a great success. You can begin at once."
During the next hour he had the use of the telephone to call up acquaintances, and when he finally hung up the trumpet he turned to me with:
"Anything very dismal about that, Mrs. Bowser? I've got ten couple without moving out of my tracks. I'll have the other eight before to-morrow night."
"That is, they will promise to come."
"Promise! Promise! Do you imagine that all other people are like you? Most folks know their own minds for a day or two ahead, Mrs. Bowser."
When he came home next night he had a list of eighteen couples who had been invited and solemnly promised to come. Mr. Bowser had made it a point to inform each one that the playing would begin at eight sharp, and all had agreed to be on hand fifteen minutes before that hour.
"Voted too much trouble—can't get people enough!" sneered Mr. Bowser as he looked over the list. "It's in the management, Mrs. Bowser—all in the management."
For three days he walked around on tiptoe and took every occasion to brag over me. Then came the first setback. We were at dinner when the telephone rang and Mr. Bowser was asked for.
"Hello, Bowser."
"Yes."
"This is Filbert."
"Yes."
"I wanted to tell you that we can't come down to the party."
"You can't?"
"No. My wife has just remembered that she agreed to go over to Johnson's on that night. Sorry, old fellow, but I hope——"
Mr. Bowser shut him off with a loud bang and returned to me and said:
"Mrs. Bowser, don't you ever darken Filbert's doors again—never! They are liars and dangerous people. I can fill their places in five minutes."
Before he got out of the house there was another ring.
"Hello, Bowser!"
"Yes."
"This is Watkins."
"Yes."
"When I told you the other day we'd be down Wednesday evening, I forgot that our Eva was to have a child's party on the same evening. That knocks us out."
"And you can't come?"
"Of course not. Sorry to disappoint you, old fellow, but of course——"
"Watkins is a liar, Mrs. Bowser—a first class, bold-faced liar!" exclaimed Mr. Bowser, "and you want to cut the whole family as dead as a door nail!"
He went off saying he could get 2,000,000 couples to take their places, and he returned at evening just as the following note came by the hands of a messenger boy:
"Mr. and Mrs. Jackson present their compliments, and regret that the death of an uncle in China will prevent them from being present on Wednesday evening."
Mr. Bowser had begun to turn white when the telephone rang.
"Hello, Bowser!"
"Yes."
"Say, old man, this is a world of change, you know. When I told you we'd come down to that party I never thought about my sister. She's to be married that same evening. Tra-la, old boy; hope you'll have a good time."
"I told you it would be hard work to get so many people out," I remarked.
"Did you, Mrs. Bowser? How kind of you! But I'll show you and these liars and deceivers a thing or two before I get through."
There were no more declinations until Wednesday morning. Then Mr. Bowser was called up by telephone.
"That you, Bowser?"
"Yes."
"Is it to-night you have that party?"
"Yes."
"Pshaw! I thought it was a week from to-night! Well, that knocks us out. We've got to go to the Y. M. C. A. Sorry, you know, but this is a previous engagement."
Mr. Bowser was jumping up and down when there came another ring.
"Hello, Bowser!"
"Yes."
"Nice weather."
"Yes."
"All well down there?"
"Yes."
"Say, Bowser, my wife made a previous engagement for to-night. We've got to go to——"
Mr. Bowser shut him off with a bang and started for the office. During the forenoon I took in two more declinations, and while he was at dinner there was a ring and the old familiar hail:
"Hello, Bowser!"
"Yes."
"Say, Bowser!"
"Yes."
"We expect to be down early to-night."
"Glad of it."
"But it may be that my mother-in-law will come in on the 6.30 train. If she does we can't come."
Mr. Bowser seemed dazed as he hung up the trumpet and left the house. The last blow came at 7 in the evening. The telephone rang and he crawled over to answer.
"Is this Bowser's?"
"Yes."
"Where's the old man?"
"I am Mr. Bowser."
"Oh! so you are. Your voice seems mighty weak to-night. Say, old man, the three couples of us in this terrace were coming down to-night, but we must disappoint you at this late moment. We have had free tickets sent up for the opera, and of course——"
Mr. Bowser walked to the front door, locked it, muffled the bell and turned out the gas. Then he sat down and was very quiet for a couple of hours. At last he looked up and said:
"Mrs. Bowser, some husbands would murder a wife for this!"
"But what have I done?"
"What have you done? Coaxed, bribed and bulldozed me into giving a progressive euchre party, and where's the party? I told you how it would come out, and here we are! Mrs. Bowser, I—I——"
But he was too full for further utterance, and went to bed.
—Detroit Free Press.
Postmaster—The letter is too heavy; it wants another stamp.
Countrywoman—Why, that will make it heavier still!
—Humoristische.
Actors may have no end of animosities in private life, but they always make up before they appear on the stage.
—Greenville Advocate.
AN ICY RECEPTION.
Bromley—Why, Digsby, what's the matter? you look chilled.
Digsby—Right you are, deah boy, the fact is, I attended a social the other evening and everything they served was iced.
By H. C. R.
Dakota has a town named Patronage. Patronage is generally considered a good thing out of which to make capital.
—Boston Transcript.
"Men who have anything in their heads find plenty to do with their hands."—J. Howard, Jr., in N. Y. Press. That's so. We saw a tramp the other day who evidently had something in his head, and both hands were in use.
EFFECTS OF A DOSE OF THE ELIXIR.
Jones' better half had presented him with twins. When nurse brought them into the room for inspection the poor man was so bewildered at the multitudinous character of his happiness that he asked: "Am I to choose?"
—Judge.
A Chicago man tried to commit suicide by perforating his head with a bullet. The bullet passed through his skull all right, but did not touch the brain. Before a man goes gunning for his own brains, he ought to acquire the requisite skill by practicing at a pea in a peck measure for a time.
—Binghamton Republican.
He—Of course you know what a garter snake is?
She (from Boston)—If you refer to that representative of the serpentine family with the same propensities characteristic to an elastic band used to retain hosiery in a stationery position, I do.
—Binghamton Democrat.
Smith—I was sorry to hear, Brown, that you had failed in business.
Brown—Yes, I struggled hard, but I lost everything, save my honor, thank Heaven, and the property I was wise enough to settle on my wife when I found myself getting into trouble.
—Texas Siftings.
Several Irishmen were disputing one day about the invincibility of their respective powers when one of them remarked:
"Faith, I'm a brick."
"And I'm a bricklayer," said another, giving the first speaker a blow that brought him to the ground.
—Sunday Mercury.
Clara—How comfortable pants must be. Wish I was a man.
Her Mother—My dear, you shock me. You should say trousers.
"I don't care. Charlie always says pants."
"You forget that Charlie works in a clothing store."
—Clothier and Furnisher.
The familiar figures of Mr. Germain Mullenhauser and his wife are no longer seen daily braving the surf at Coney Island. They have returned to their Brooklyn residence, where their ablutions are made in the bath tub, and it is very doubtful whether any of the seaside resorts will ever see them again. An estrangement has grown up between them, and they are not happy.
Their story is a strange eventful history. Two months ago Mrs. Mullenhauser could readily turn the scales at 210 pounds, while her husband weighed about the ninety pounds necessary to aggregate 300. They were proud of their proportions, viewed collectively, and neither was jealous of the other. But in an evil hour a friend told Mr. Mullenhauser that he was beginning to look like a scarecrow, and slightingly nicknamed him "Praise-God Bare-Bones," in pointed and scornful recognition of the office of deacon in a Brooklyn church. Mr. Mullenhauser consulted a doctor with the view of gaining flesh.
About the same time an attenuated female acquaintance told Mrs. Mullenhauser that if she grew any fatter she would stand a chance of bursting, and would certainly become dropsical. The stout lady was alarmed, and she too, sought the advice of a medical practitioner relative to the best method of shedding some of her superfluous tissue. Neither husband or wife cared to take counsel with the family physician. They stated their cases to different doctors, and only told each other what they had done when their courses had been mapped out for them.
"Dr. Jones seems to be a very intelligent person," said the lady. "He says that by surf bathing I can reduce my weight at the rate of fourteen pounds a week."
"Why, he must be an imbecile," exclaimed her husband, hotly. "If you go wallowing, like a whale, in the ocean it will add just two pounds a day to your bulk. That is what Dr. Brown promises that sea bathing will do for me, and I am going to begin to try it to-morrow."
"Germain, you have been imposed upon by an ignorant quack," replied Mrs. Mullenhauser, severely. "If you risk your light body in those great rollers at Coney Island you will be swept away. Be contented with your small proportions and try to show that you make up in mind what you lack in matter."
"I won't," cried the small man, angrily. "I'll take Dr. Brown's advice, and I'll soon be as fat as you are now. Though Lord knows what size you'll be then, if you follow the directions of that ass, Jones," he added sarcastically.
Thus was made between them the fissure that has since been widening daily. They went down to Coney Island together and engaged board and lodging. They kept up a show of friendliness before the public to save appearances, but they ate their meals in silence and bathed at different parts of the beach.
The other frequenters looked at them with amazement, for a great change was soon perceptible in each. Drs. Brown and Jones were both right. At the end of sixty days their joint weight was still 300 pounds, but Mr. Mullenhauser now tipped the scales at 210 pounds and was threatened with dropsy, while his wife could only turn them at 90 pounds, looked like a scarecrow, and feared to breast the waves, as she had formerly done, lest they should sweep her away.
They fled by different trains from the seaside and tried to consult the slighted family physician, but he refused to be consulted, and advised them, cynically, to see Drs. Jones and Brown. Mrs. Mullenhauser is half a foot taller than her spouse, and much better adapted, anatomically, to carry the heavier burden of flesh. She looks like a greyhound, and he like a puncheon standing on its end. It is likely that before the bathing season returns, Brown, the ignorant quack, will prescribe for the lady, and Jones, the ass, for her husband.
—N. Y. Sun.
"Well, Herr Schulze, what are you going to do with your boy?"
"I think I shall have to let him join the police, for I never can find him when I want him!"
—Fliegende Blätter.
Fannie tried very hard to be polite and speak correctly. At church one day she met a little friend who had been sick for some time. In asking about her affliction Fannie said: "Did you enjoy much pain when you were ill?"
—Youth's Companion.
Bagley—I hear that Mrs. Mosenthal has presented you with twins, Solomon.
Mr. Mosenthal—Yes, it vas a fact, twin boys or I'm a liar.
"Must be quite an expense, eh?"
"Yes, but dere's vone good t'ing I t'ought of. De same photograph will do for little Ikey or little Jakey; dey look so mooch like."
—America.
—Birmingham Age-Herald.
The following is related as an actual occurrence during the presentation of "Virginius" by the amateurs of Macon. Those who have seen the play will doubtless remember the scene where the ashes of Virginia, who has been killed by her father, after which the body was cremated, are brought on the stage in an urn. A young lady in the audience turned to her escort with the remark: "That's a crematory."
"No," said he, "you are mistaken; that is not a crematory."
"Well, I say it is," she remarked; "I guess I know a crematory when I see one."
The curtain drops.
—Americus Recorder.
"Pa, where was Captain Anson born?"
"I don't know, I'm sure."
"Where was John L. Sullivan born?"
"I don't know that either."
"Pa, I wish you would buy me a history of the United States."
—Chicago Herald.
"WE'VE BOTH BEEN THERE BEFORE, MANY A TIME."
Mrs. True Genteel—Good morning, Mrs. Carrots. Going to New York to do a little shopping?
Mrs. Gusby Carrots (whose husband has hit Standard Oil and acquired sudden riches)—No, I've just returned. I bought a nice Rubens this morning, and I declare! when I called at my husband's office he told me he had bought a Rembrandt by the same artist yesterday afternoon.
—Once a Week.
On the opening of the meeting the secretary announced a communication from Eufaula, Ala., making charges against Major Drawbar Jones, an honorary member of the club. He was charged with:
1. Going on a rabbit hunt while his wife lay at the point of death.
2. Putting burrs under the saddle of his old mule to get up an artificial enthusiasm.
Brother Gardner said that it was a question for debate, and Giveadam Jones arose and observed that he could never vote to convict a brother on the first charge. While there might be no question that Major Jones went out to hunt rabbits while his wife was dying, what was his object? Was it for amusement, or was it to provide her with rabbit soup? The accused should be given the benefit of the doubt. As to charge No. 2, that was a different matter. A man who would put burrs under his saddle, whether that saddle was on a horse or a mule, deserved the severest condemnation.
Waydown Bebee couldn't excuse the Major for going on that rabbit hunt. A dying wife does not care for soup of any sort. As to the burrs under the saddle, they might have got there by accident. Even if they were put there by design, there was no evidence that the mule objected. He owned a mule, whose demeanor could not be changed one iota by all the burrs in the State of Michigan.
Shindig Watkins, Elder Toots, Samuel Shin, and others argued pro and con, and the question of whether the Major should be bounced was put to a vote. The vote stood 43 for, and 44 against, and he thus escaped by the skin of his teeth.
—Detroit Free Press.
Prison Keeper—You will have to work here, Moriarty, but you may select any trade you wish.
Prisoner—Well, if it's all the same to you, sor, Oi'd like to be a sailor.
—Munsey's Weekly.
Ferguson—So our cook is going, is she? Well, I hope the next one will be of a more literary turn.
Mrs. Ferguson—What do you mean by that?
Mr. Ferguson—A more earnest disciple of the art of Browning, don't you know.
—Boston Post.
Freddie—Papa, what does "filly" mean?
Papa—(willing to give the boy a lift)—A young mare, Freddie.
Freddie—Well, then, what do they call a young cow, papa?
Papa—(slightly staggered)—Oh! ah! a—er—filly de bœuf.
—Columbia Spectator.
I happened to be in the office of the Mercantile Review and Live Stock Journal recently in time to hear one of the best reasons ever given for stopping a newspaper.
A German boy entered, removed his hat, and asked:
"Is Mr. Vepsider in?"
"He is," replied Charles H. Webster, looking up from a mass of tissue live stock reports which he was winnowing.
"Vell, Mister Bitters don't want to take dot paber no more. He vos dedt last nide alretty."
The name of the late Mr. Bitters, a cattle dealer, was duly erased from the delivery sheet.
—Buffalo Truth.
"Old Mr. Skinner is a very charitable man, isn't he?"
"Oh, yes; of course. But if he ever casts his bread upon the waters, be sure he expects it to come back a meat sandwich."
—Tid Bits.
A Paris despatch says: "Sarah Bernhardt is overworked." Oh, well; Sarah has one great advantage over all other actresses —she may be overworked, become nervous, take to her bed with a sickness nigh unto death, but she can't fall away any in flesh.
—Kentucky State Journal.
I.
II.
III.
—Somerville Journal.
A dozen eggs will get you a yard and a half of gingham at the Cadmus Grange store next week. They have secured an immense line of summer ginghams; in fact, more than they have room for, therefore this unparalleled offer. "The early bird catches the worm."
—La Cygne Journal.
To forget a wrong is the best revenge, particularly if the other fellow is bigger than you.
—Liverpool Post.
A DIFFICULT JOB.
Miss Birdie—Is this the place where you recover umbrellas?
Clerk—Yes'sum.
Miss Birdie—Well, I wish you would recover mine. It is a real new one, with a crooked handle, and some one stole it from the Church last Sunday night.
—Chicago Liar.
There is now not a single justice on the Supreme bench of the United States—they are all married.
—Madelia Times.
Physician—Your husband is quite delirious and seems utterly out of his mind. Has he recognized anyone to-day?
Wife—Oh, yes. He called me a dragon this morning, and he constantly speaks of the governess as an angel.
—Boston Beacon.
HE SURPRISED HIMSELF.
Amateur Contortionist—Now, Billy, when I goes in this barril, you just turn it over and I'll come out the other end.—Judge.
Two well known clergymen lately missed their train, upon which one of them took out his watch and finding it to blame for the mishap, said he would no longer have any faith in it.
"But," said the other, "isn't it a question not of faith, but of works?"
—Living Church.
Mrs. Prim—It's dreadful the way the men drink these days; isn't it? My husband's head is so weak he can't drink. A glass of vichy makes him roaring.
Mrs. Blim.—Yes, and my husband can't read the label on a beer bottle without getting a headache.
—Cincinnati Commercial.
!!!
"Talk about cheap postal rates. I've seen 125 pounds go for a two-cent stamp," remarked Mr. Keeplent.
"When was that?" said Mrs. K., laying down her paper.
"This morning, my dear, when you went to the corner drug store for a stamp."
—Chicago Herald.
"I hardly feel like telling a modest tale," said another, "after the wonderful things we have heard; but I will give you a true story which was told me by a North Georgia cracker."
"Tell it, tell it!" they said.
"Well, then, once upon a time a man who lived by a creek in North Georgia discovered that the corn was disappearing from his crib. He watched and at length found the secret of the theft.
"A squirrel came down to the edge of the creek on the opposite side, dragged a shingle to the water's edge, launched it, and jumping on himself hoisted his tail for a sail. He soon sailed across and anchored his shingle at the bank. Stealing up to the crib, he got out an ear of corn and carried it to the creek, put it on the shingle and ferried it across."
"How strange!" said some one.
"That's only the beginning," said the narrator.
"When the man saw his ear of corn disappear in a hollow tree he determined to recover his lost property, and started, ax in hand, to wade the creek. It was a little over waist deep, and he had on a heavy overcoat fastened by one big button at the top. As he came up out of the water the coat seemed exceedingly heavy, and looking down he saw that both the big side pockets were full of shad."
Here a chorus of laughter interrupted, but with a solemn face the story teller went on:
"That was a small matter to those that follow. When the man came up out of the water the weight of the wet overcoat, further weighed with the fish, broke off the button, and it flew off to one side where a rabbit crouched in the bush. The button hit him in a tender spot behind the ear, and he keeled over, and with a few pitiful kicks expired."
Here the laughter was so boisterous as to interrupt the narrator for nearly a minute, and then he proceeded:
"Picking up the rabbit, the man concluded it was not the kind of game he wanted, and he flung it aside. It was late in the evening, and just at this moment it so happened that a covey of partridges had huddled together for the night, with their heads bunched together in the center, according to their habit."
Here a suppressed titter ran round the company.
"Oh," said the narrator, with some indignation, "it is well known that partridges huddle together in just that way."
"Go on," they said.
"When the rabbit fell its head struck the bunch of heads and killed all the partridges." (Laughter.)
"When the man had picked up the partridges he went to the hollow tree and cut it down. He got back fifty bushels of corn, and it proved to be a bee tree, so that he got ten barrels of honey. Not only this, but the top of the tree fell in the stream, and the creek ran sweet for twenty years."
This took the cake, which will be served next Sunday.
P. S.—There is no space here to tell about the Georgia hen that turned gray after the snakes got her chickens, or the young partridges that afterward hatched under her sitting and became the solace of her declining years. All this and much more I would tell if I had time.
—W. G. C. in Atlanta Constitution.
—Wasp.
Miss Debut—Do you know, Mr. Reimer, I dreamed last night that I was reading your poetry?
Mr. Reimer—Indeed! you flatter me highly, I am sure.
Miss Debut—I don't know about that; I remember that I tried with all my might to wake up and couldn't.
—Once a Week.
Bostone—How long do you suppose these gold mines out here will continue profitable, Mr. Boomer?
Boomer—Just so long as our Eastern stockholders will stand the assessments without kicking.
—Lowell Citizen.
"Do you ever want to sleep, Major, when you can't?" I asked of a very convivial friend.
"Of course, of course, sah."
"Well, what do you do?"
"What do I do? You blamed idiot, what would any man with a brain do? Why, when I want to sleep and feel so wide awake that I could go out and read in the dark I go take a good, long drink of my customary beverage, sah. You know what that is. Then, sah, if that fails, I go take anothah. If that does not kiss down my eyelids I go and take two. If Morpheus refuses to lock me in his arms I go and take three more, and by that time I don't care a continental darn whether I ever go to sleep or not."
—Toledo Blade.
"Pa," said a lad to his father, "I have often read of people poor but honest; why don't they sometimes say 'rich but honest?'"
"Tut, tut, my son, nobody would believe them," answered the father.
—Liverpool Post.
"I'll follow him to the ends of the earth! He shall not escape me!"
The tall, powerfully built man, attired in a suit of dark blue, who hissed these words through his set teeth, stood in a shadow of a one-story coal house in a dark, noisome, Philadelphia-like alley, and watched with widely staring eyes a figure moving slowly along down the Hong Kong district of Clark street.
The watcher was wide awake, and the saloons had not yet closed for the night.
It was evident he was not a policeman.
Emerging from the alley he followed stealthily the object of his pursuit like a sleuth hound on the track of its prey. Moving along in the shadow of the buildings and halting now and then, but never relaxing for one instant his eager watchfulness, he kept his man in sight for nearly an hour.
Down Clark to Harrison, west on Harrison to the river, across the bridge to Canal, up Canal to Monroe, and westward on that street for many and many a weary block moved this singular—or rather plural—procession.
"He little thinks he is followed," muttered the relentless pursuer. "I'll shadow him to his lair now if it takes till the next centennial!"
At last the man whom he was following halted at a modest dwelling, opened the gate that afforded the entrance to the little yard in front, and as he turned to close it his face, plainly visible in the glare of a street lamp close by, was for one brief moment exposed to the hawk-like gaze of the mysterious pursuer in the dark blue suit, who had crouched in the shadow of a friendly Indian cigar sign across the way. The next instant he had disappeared within the house.
With a smothered cry of exultation the eager watcher took out a note book and pencil and jotted down a memorandum. His fingers trembled with excitement.
"I saw his face!" he said in a hysterical whisper. "I was not mistaken. And now I have his street and number. At last I am on the trail. If he finds out anything about that mysterious disappearance I'll know just where he goes to get it. Ha! At last! At last!"
He was a high-priced detective shadowing a $15-a-week newspaper reporter to see if he could find some clew to the latest mystery that was baffling the entire force.
—Detroit Free Press.
A bright little girl was taken by her father out into the country to visit an uncle whom she called Walsh. As the two drove along the country road, the little one spied a scarecrow in a field, and exclaimed: "Oh, papa, there's Uncle Walsh." Papa laughed hugely at the joke, but told her that she was mistaken; that what she saw was only a scarecrow. A little further along and Uncle Walsh's farm was reached, and way out in the field was Uncle Walsh at work. The little girl's eyes were the first to catch sight of him, but she wasn't to be fooled so easily this time. "Oh, papa," she cried, "look at that scarecrow!" Papa did look, and has not got through laughing yet.
—Buffalo Express.
Guide to battlefields (sure of his party, he thinks)—Yes, sah, hit were jest hyer that the rebels gin to run, an'——
Tourist (bantering him)—Come, now! run? I was a reb myself and don't believe they ran.
Guide—Hole on, boss; you ain't let me get through. I didn't say which way dey wuz runnin'; 'twas to'ards de enemy.
—Harper's Weekly.
Customer (who has brought material for a gown and trimming for a bonnet eight days before)—This costume appears to be very short and tight! Did you use all the goods?
Modiste—Great Heavens! Can it be that I made the gown out of the bonnet trimming and trimmed the bonnet with the dress pattern?
—Fliegende Blätter.
If the Prince of Wales' serious attack of the gout continues much longer, it will begin to affect the walk of swell young men in New York.
—Kansas City Journal.
Cholly—Aw, Fweddie, did you see her smile at me? Quite angelic, doncher know.
Fweddie—Smiled, did she? Well, I cahn't blame her. Youah looks sometimes make me smile, bah jove.
—Chicago Liar.
A number of the school-ma'ams are employing their Summer vacations in educating the blind. Their only pupil is a bad boy named Cupid.
—Chicago News.
"I understand the progressive dinner party craze has struck St. Louis," said Miss Societie, of Lucas avenue to Mr. Featherhide.
Mr. Featherhide (dryly)—"Yes, but such dinners are simply a matter of course."
—St. Louis Critic.
A street car going west on Madison street last Saturday afternoon was loaded with women returning from the matinee. In one corner of the car a countryman sat. When the car reached May street the conductor opened the door and called "May!" A woman left the car at this street. When he reached Ann the conductor called that name and another woman got off. At Elizabeth Street he called out "Elizabeth!" and two women got off. When he called "Ada!" still another woman got up and left.
The countryman went out on the platform and said to the conductor:
"Do you know where I want to get off?"
"I do not."
"Do you know my name?"
"No, sir; I don't."
"Do you know all the women in Chicago?"
"Well, I should say not. Why?"
"Nothing. I heerd you callin' them women that have jist been gitting off by their first names, an' you knowed jist where they wanted to stop, an' I thought you was acquainted with all the people in town."
—Chicago Mail.
Doddle—I say, Coddle, old boy! What's the ideah of having a howid big flap on a fellah's ear? Couldn't we have heard pwetty nearly as well without it?
Coddle—Pwobably, Doddle, but it dwaws the collar line, don't yer know; it sawter keeps the collar from wunning up and knocking our hats off.
—Glens Falls Republican.
Young Doctor—Well, I've got a case at last.
Young Lawyer—Glad to hear it. When you get him to the point where he wants a will drawn, telephone over.
—Life.
A bass weighing one pound in 1880 was returned to the Potomac with a small sleigh bell attached to its tail with a wire. A few days ago it was caught with the bell still attached, the fish weighing six pounds. This may seem like a fish story, but some of our readers will remember that a one-pound bass caught in the Eastern branch five years ago was returned to the water with a penny tin whistle attached to its tail. Three years later the bass was caught near the same spot. It still weighed a pound, but the whistle had grown into a fog horn.
—New Orleans Picayune.
"I think that fellow is real mean," said Marie, throwing down the paper.
"What fellow?"
"Why, the one it speaks of here who has invented a car window that will open and shut readily by touching a spring."
"Well, I think it is a great thing. Why do you object to it?"
"Simply because now I can never have, when traveling, some fascinating drummer bending over me to open or shut the window for me."
—Wasp.
A certain politician holding office in Washington comes from Gilead, N. H. and he is proud of his native town. It is told of him that on one occasion a visiting clergyman preached in the village church and during the course of his remarks, he exclaimed:
"Is there no balm in Gilead?"
Mr. Blank jumped to his feet at once.
"Of course there is," he sung out, to the horror of the congregation, "but you can't get it on Sunday."
—Troy Telegram.
Mrs. Smith—John, has Mrs. Thompson done anything to offend you? She complains that you spoke very rudely to her when you came in yesterday evening.
Mr. S.—Oh, I'm sorry for that. I'm always glad to see Mrs. Thompson, and wouldn't like to hurt her feelings. Fact is, when I came in, the room was rather dark and I mistook her for you.
—Toronto Grip.
Little Johnny McSwilligen, surreptitiously sampled his mamma's brandied peaches yesterday, and soon after had occasion to use the telephone.
"A little later Mr. McSwilligen called his wife to the 'phone to inform her that he would be late getting home.
"Yes, I know why," she replied.
"Ah, how do you know?"
"Why, you're drinking again, and intend to make a night of it."
"Indeed I am not," protested McSwilligen. "I have not touched a drop for a year."
"Oh, you can't impose on me that way," insisted his wife. "I can smell your breath."
And she hung up the receiver with a rattle that almost dislocated the instrument.
—Pittsburgh Chronicle.
Insulted Montanian (to tenderfoot newspaper correspondent)—Lookee here, young man, you want to be a little more keerful how you write things that ain't so to them newspapers back East. This is a high-toned town, by Jinks, and the boys won't stand it.
Terrified Tenderfoot—Why, I—I—what have I written?
"Why, you writ to a Chicago paper that we lynched thirteen men here last month, and it's a lie."
"I—I—thought it was true, or—I——"
"Well, it wasn't. We didn't lynch but twelve, and we only rid the other on a rail and peppered him a little with buckshot. Stick to facts, young man, that's all we ask of you."
—Time.
A little fellow who was earnestly searching the columns of a certain religious journal for something in the juvenile department, found the paper rather bulky to manage and spread it upon the floor. In reply to his little sister, who was impatient at his slowness, he defended himself by saying: "Well, you must remember that this paper has two parts—the religious and the sacrilegious!" It was the same boy, by the way, who announced that the Scripture lesson at school one morning was from the Book of Collisions.
—Troy Times.
Bliffers—What's wrong to-day, Bluffers? You look blue.
Bluffers—I'll never forgive myself. I kicked a caller out of my house last night.
"Huh! I've kicked out many a one. Young fellow, I suppose?"
"No; past middle age."
"Well, these old codgers have no business to be coming around sparking young girls. I kicked out one of that sort last week."
"Yes, but I've found out this man wasn't courting my daughter. He was after my mother-in-law."
—Philadelphia Record.
"Maria," said Mr. Cuteboy yesterday, "I made $20 this morning."
"Indeed," said Mrs. C. curiously. "Did Reading go up?"
"Not exactly," was the quiet rejoinder, "but your brother John asked me to lend him that sum and I didn't happen to have it at the time."
—Philadelphia Inquirer.
Old woman presents herself at the booking office and asks for a third-class ticket. "Where for?" inquires the clerk.
"That's my business!" is the reply.
—Dictionnaire Universal.
That the moon is made of green cheese is a mere idle fancy, but that the honeymoon is made of taffy is an established fact.
—Terre Haute Express.
Why am I a woman suffragist?
Because I am.
Because a woman has more good, hard, common sense than a man.
Because she makes less bluster about her rights, and quietly maintains them better than a man.
Because she won't give $1.50 for an article that she knows very well she can get for 75 cents.
Because she does not stalk loftily away from the counter without her change if the robber behind it is a little reluctant about counting it out.
Because she is too independent to pay the landlord $2.25 for her dinner, and then pay the head-waiter $1 to send her a waiter who will bring it to her for 50 cents.
Because she will hold her money tightly in her own good little right hand for two hours until she first gets a receipt for it from the fellow who made her husband pay the same bill three times last year. Not any "just give you credit for it" for her.
Because one day a Pullman porter complained to me "No money on this trip; too many women aboard. Don't never get nothin' out of a woman 'ceptin' just her regular fare." I had just paid him 25 cents for blacking one of my boots and losing the other; and when he said that, when I saw for myself the heroic firmness of those women, traveling alone, paying their fare and refusing to pay the salaries of the employes of a wealthy corporation, I said: "These women have a right to vote. To vote? By all that is brave and self-reliant and sensible, they have a right to run the government!"
—New York Star.
"Urtication" is a new cure for rheumatism. It means pricking the skin with a bunch of fresh nettles. Perhaps "hurtication" would be a better word for it.
—San Francisco Alta.
What a glorious world this would be if people lived up to the epitaphs on their tombstones.
—Hutchison News.
In an English country church the curate had to give out two notices, the first of which was about baptisms and the latter had to do with a new hymn book. Owing to an accident he inverted the order and gave out as follows: "I am requested to announce that the new hymn book will be used for the first time in this church Sunday next, and I am requested to call attention to the delay which often takes place in bringing children to be baptized; they should be brought on the earliest day possible. This is particularly pressed on mothers who have young babies."
"And for the information of those who have none," added the rector, in gentle, kindly tones and who, being deaf, had not heard what had been previously said—"and for the information of those who have none, I may state, if wished, they can be obtained on application in the vestry immediately after service to-day. Limp ones, one shilling each: with stiff backs, two shillings."
—Chicago Chronicle.
Stranger—Your town seems awful dead. Had a scourge of any kind?
Citizen—No.
"No small-pox or yellow fever?"
"No."
"No floods or famine?"
"No."
"Well, what ails your town this year?"
"Nothing ails it this year, but a boom struck it last year."
—Omaha World.
America is not given to jewelry, gauds or trappings, but those familiar with the business say that she has a seal ring.
—Detroit Free Press.
Some one suggests that John L. Sullivan's bust be placed on the new two-cent postage stamps. But Sullivan can't be licked.
—N. Y. News.
George (referring to young lady just entering, in evening dress)—Ah, here is something pretty nice coming in!
Clarence—Something coming out, I should say.
—Journal Amusant.
—Washington Post.
Some of the Vassar girls have organized a gum-chewing association. They meet for cul-chaw.
—Burlington Free Press.
It is not good to take tea in the middle of the day. The man who tried it in an Austin grocery store when he thought the clerk was not looking is our authority.
—Texas Siftings.
"Did ye hear about the Wurruld's Fair, Mrs. McGlaggerty?"
"Sorra's the wurrud, me frind. Fwhat's there about id, Mrs. Magoogin?"
"Noo Yarrick is goin' to have id."
"Is that so, now?"
"Yis, an' they're roisin' the money fur id, avourneen," said the Widow Magoogin. "A committay's bin appinted to go around an' ax payple fwhat they're willin' to shushcroibe an' they pits down the names an' prints thim in the papers, an' there's a hully-balloo an' jubilorum, an' uv'rybody sez Noo Yarrick is a fine place, an' that brings the Wurruld's Fair to iz, Mrs. McGlaggerty. Now, thin, fwhat ar' you goin' to shushcroibe fwhin the committay calls round to see ye, Mrs. McGlaggerty?"
"Divil a cint Oi have to give thim, Mrs. Magoogin," said the neighbor.
"Fy fur shame, Mrs. McGlaggerty—that's no way to be afther thraiting the committay. Fwhere's yer h'art, woman? Have ye no sinse, at all, at all, alanna? Fwhisper an' I'll tell ye fwhat Berdie Magoogin's goin' to say to thim fwhin they comes an' axes her to shushcroibe. 'Gud mawrnin', Mrs. Magoogin.' they'll say to me. 'The same to ye, sors,' Oi'll say to thim. 'Fwhat'll ye shushcroibe to the Wurruld's Fair this foine mawrnin', ma'am?' they'll ax me nuxt. 'Fwhat did the McGuffin's beyant give ye?' Oi'll ax thim. 'Nawthin',' they'll say to me. 'Thin id's breakin' their h'arts they ar' intoirely givin' nawthin' to an interproise av this koind, sors,' Oi'll say to thim. 'An' fwhat'll we put ye down for, ma'am?' they'll say to me. 'Well, gintlemin av the committay,' Oi'll say to thim, puttin' an me Sunda' shmoile an' howldin' me head as proud as a paycock—'well, gintlemin,' Oi'll say, 'it isn't mooch that Berdie Magoogin has—there's only the shanty an' the goat an' a bit av furnicher, some av fwhich is in pawn—but Oi'll tell ye fwhat Oi'll do, gintlemin,' Oi'll say to thim. 'Berdie Magoogin'll agree to give twinty-noin thousan' eight hundhert an' tin dollars out av her own pocket to the Wurruld's Fair, aff the committay kin foind noineteen other widdy womin an Cherry Hill that'll do the same thing, an' how diz that praposishun shoot ye, gintlemin?' Oi'll say to thim. Thin they'll go away shmoiling an' they'll tell uv'rybody about id, an' uv'rybody'll say how ginerous is Mrs. Magoogin'v!
"But sure'n ye haven't no twinty-noine thousand dollars to give thim, me frind?" the neighbor interposed.
"No more has th' other noineteen widdies, Mrs. McGlaggerty—so ye see there's no danger av anny av iz losin' mooch, an' ow, wow, but won't payple think that we're gin'rous. Id's a byootiful bloof Oi'll be afther givin' thim, Mrs. McGlaggerty—nawthin', acushla, but a byootiful bloof."
—John J. Jennings in Sunday Mercury.
"Were you ever engaged in a train robbery?" asked the prosecuting attorney, looking at him keenly.
"I was never indicted for train robbing," answered the witness, evasively.
"That is not the question," said the lawyer. "I will ask you again. Were you ever a train robber?"
"Judge," said the witness, turning imploringly to the dignitary of the Bench, "must I answer that question?"
"You must," answered the judge. "And remember you are under oath."
The witness turned pale and his knees knocked together.
"I suppose it's got to come out. I sold books and bananas on the cars for a whole year when I was a young fellow," faltered the miserable man.
—Chicago Tribune.
"The greatest point," writes a specialist in the treatment of obesity, "is to find the right diet." But the greatest point in these cases, after all, is the embonpoint.
—Philadelphia Ledger.
While there is a great variety of conditions submitted with the handsome donations made to aid the fair, it is noticeable that there is entire unanimity in one thing—the "if."
V. S.
A gang of men were at work on a city street, when a slight, beardless youth laid down his pick, and approaching the foreman, said to him:
"Can I take a fit, sir?"
"Take what?" asked the foreman.
"A fit—I feel one coming on," replied the young man, without emotion.
"Why, certainly," said the foreman.
So the young man walked over to a bit of grass under a leafy tree—it was a new street in the suburbs—and had a fit.
Then he went and washed his face, came back to his place in the line, took up his pick and struck into work. After the day's work was over the young man said to the foreman: "You don't mind my having fits?"
"No—I guess not if you do a fair day's work."
"Well, you see I used to work for a butcher an' he wouldn't let me take fits—said it interfered with business—an' I thought you might feel the same way about it."
And the young man works hard with pick and shovel and takes a fit once in a while as you or I might take a drink of water.
—Pittsburgh Dispatch.
Hollis Holworthy—Yes, I've been looking up some of my ancestors, and——
Miss Beacon—I guess you found a good many of them up a tree, didn't you?
—Harvard Lampoon.
A burning question among the Rochester newspapers is: "Have bicycles an earnest purpose?" The fellow who has just shot over the handle-bar of one is convinced that they have.
—Buffalo Courier.
Old General Debility was for a time held responsible for the Allegheny baseball team's wretched work in this season's campaign, but now the blame is being divided with old John Barleycorn.
—Pittsburgh Post.
"One day when living at Beaufort, S. C.," said a gentleman the other day, "the young colored nurse in my family came in with a terribly lugubrious face. Around her head was wound a white cloth, which extended fully two feet above.
"'What on earth is the matter, Tilly?' said my wife.
"'Oh! I's a-seekin'.'
"'What are you seeking?'
"'I'se a-seekin' 'ligion.'
"'Do you have to wear that when you are seeking religion?'
"'Oh, yes, miss. I has to wear that to mortify de flesh.'
"That afternoon she came to her mistress and said: 'I cyarn't tek keer de chill'n dis afternoon. I'se got to go to de woods an' wrassle wid de sperut.'
"She 'wrassled' for four days, and finally came in with a beaming countenance, and with the cloth taken from her head. She had found Jesus and had been baptized. 'Tilly,' I said, 'do you have to go through that performance every time you get religion?'
"'Yes, Marse Thompson!'
"'How many times have you been baptized in the course of life?'
"''Bout leb'n times.'"
—Washington Post.
There was company for dinner at Dilly's house and they were enjoying the first course, which consisted of oyster soup. Dilly made away with hers for some time in silence until she had nearly cleaned the plate, when she suddenly paused, and looking at her mother across the table, said, in a stage-whisper: "Mamma, what you fink?—dere's a hair in my soup!"
"Hush, Dilly," said mamma, frowning; "it's nothing but a crack in the plate."
Dilly moved the bowl of her spoon back and forth over the supposed crack, and then exclaimed, triumphantly:
"Kin a quack move?"
—Philadelphia Times.
The only thing that a man can borrow in this world without giving security is trouble.
—Lawrence American.
"Grindstone," exclaimed Kiljordan, in a tone of severe rebuke, as he leaned wearily over the aisle of the car, "why don't you get up and give that lady a seat? I would do it myself, only I've been doing the work of two men at the office for a whole week."
"My wife has been away from home for two days," answered Grindstone feebly, "and I've been sleeping with the baby."
"Madame," called out Kiljordan, rising briskly, "I'm not at all tired. You may have my seat."
—Chicago Tribune.
Lady of the house (to tramp)—You eat as if you never had seen a meal of victuals before!
Tramp—Madam, you must excuse me. I s'pose I do eat awkward, but the fact is I hain't had much practice lately.
—Life.
"Stop that!" roared the exchange reader as the dramatic editor struck into the first bars of "He's in the Asylum Now."
"What's the matter?" mildly asked the offender.
"Why, when you sing your voice sours my paste," was the explanation.
—Buffalo Express.
School Teacher (to boy at head of class, the lesson being philosophy)—How many kinds of force are there?
Boy—Three, sir.
"Name them."
"Bodily force, mental force and the police force."
—Punch.
Client (in Chicago)—I want a divorce.
Lawyer—For what reason?
"My wife cannot make good coffee."
"I am sorry, but the law is not broad enough for a man to get a decree on mere coffee grounds."
—Time.
"Oi say, Mrs. McGlaggerty!"
"Arrah, fwhat is id, Mrs. Magoogin?"
"War ye uver in Parish, Oi dunno?"
"Is id me in Parish, Mrs. Magoogin?"
"Yis, you, Mrs. McGlaggerty. 'Twas to yersel' Oi was shpakin'."
"Me in Parish—the rale polly-boo-pancake Paris, Oi shuppose ye mane, Mrs. Magoogin?"
"Oy, the same, me frind."
"Well, Oi was never there, thanks be to gudness."
"An' no more was Oi, me frind; but Oi hope there was no harrum in axin' ye," said the Widow Magoogin. "An' how Oi kem to ax ye was jisht this, d'ye see: The Montmorincy McGues acrass th' way had a fallin' out wud aich other in the back yard two noights ago lasht Winsda', an' they med that mooch av a rooction that foor polaicemin was called in be the naybors, an' they had to shplit Micky Montmorincy McGue's nose in three halves an' opin'd a hole in his wife Cordaylia's head that ye kud pit a taycup into before they'd be quoiet an' lave the daycint payple livin' on aither soide av thim go to shleep. The polaice tuk Micky to th' shtation house an' begorrah the Joodge sint him to th' Oisland fur noinety days. Now, d'ye know fwhat the Montmorincy McGues ar' givin' out? They're tellin' ivrybody that Micky's gone over to th' Parish Uxposition be the rekusht av the King an' Queen av France, an' that he'll have a room all to himself in the palace av the Tooriloories, wud wall paper an inch thick an the walls an' oice water to wash his hands in an' a naygur to loight his poipe fur him an' howld it fwhoile he shmokes. Mrs. Montmorincy McGue throied to give me the sthiff about Micky an' the Parish Uxposition, but we hear ducks, Mrs. McGlaggerty. That's an owld gag av th' sassoi'ty folks, Mrs. McGlaggerty, to partind they're goin' to Europe fwhin they're only tin maile out in th' counthry puyin' foive dollars a waik fur boord, an' Oi'm rale sarry to know that the payple av Cherry Hill ar' takin' to id. Oi thawt Oi'd pit ye an to th' gag, Mrs. McGlaggerty, bekase wan of these byootiful blyue Danube days mebbe ye'll be hearin' that Mrs. Berdie Magoogin an' her accomplished daughther, Mrs. Arethusy Dinkelshpiel, has gone to Parish to intertain th' jook av Rockaway Cheese, an' fwhin ye do ye kin pit it down as a fact that yer frind an' naybor, the daycint widdy woman that's now shpakin' to ye, has kicked the shtuffin' out av a little banty-legged Ditchman that was wanst her son-in-law, but that talked too mooch about th' koind av poi an' cake that his ould freckle-haired mother ushed to make, thet kin no more shpake th' Inglish languidge c'reckly than a pig can say his pray'rs. Remim'er that, now, Mrs. McGlaggerty!"
John J. Jennings.
Smudge—Dr. Tanner was not the first man who lived on water for forty days.
Fudge—No!
"Of course not."
"Who else?"
"Well, what's the matter with Noah?"
—San Francisco News Letter.
I always hate to tell a story out of season, but I am afraid that this one will not keep until the next Fourth of July, so here goes: A woman who lives in the western part of our city was very much disturbed by the frightful noises which accompanied the celebration this year. She was old and quite ill, and she had spent a night in tossing, waiting in vain for a silence that came not and which drove sleep out of the question. It was near sunbreak, when the noise was at its wildest, when with a groan she turned over and in despair ejaculated: "Goodness, gracious me. I wish the other side had licked!"
—Baltimore Free Press.
Mrs. J. (severely)—John, there is a very strong odor about you.
Mr. J.—Yes—hic—my dear, I've—hic—been eating onions.
Mrs. J.—You may have the onion breath, John, but you certainly have not the onion walk.
—Life.
Ministerial Friend (on a visit)—I wonder what makes your mamma so happy to-day? She is singing around all over the house.
Little Nell—I dess she's thought of somfin' to scold papa about when he comes home.
—Philadelphia Record.
Algernon—You must not think, dearest, that because you are rich and I am poor I am anxious to marry you on account of your money.
Genevieve—Whose are you after, pa's?
—Judge.
HE.
SHE.
—Wasp.
Up in a certain town the grocers understand all the little tricks of the trade. A gentleman bought six pounds of sugar, and found it sadly adulterated with sand. The next day a notice was posted reading thus:
"Notice—I bought six pounds of sugar of a grocer in this village. From it I have taken one pound of sand. If the rascal will send me six pounds of sugar I will not expose him."
The next day five six-pound packages of sugar were left at the gentleman's residence, there being just five grocers in the village.
—Boston Record.
CHAMPION KICKERS.
THE INVARIABLE RESULT.
(With apologies to Scott and Pope.)
—Town Topics.
Mrs. Youngwife—Well, Harry, our first dinner party will be a great success, I think. The dinner, I am sure, will be perfect.
Harry—I hope so. What's the game?
"Roast ducks with currant jelly."
"Gracious, Eleanor, the one thing I can't carve. They'll be tough, too, I'll bet."
"Oh, no, they won't. I took care not to get canvas backs."
—Utica Observer.
When General O. O. Howard was marching down through Tennessee, General Whittlesey, late president of the Freedmen's Bank, was assistant adjutant general on his staff. Whittlesey had been a clergyman down in Maine, and was fully as strait-laced as Howard. One day Howard drove into a farm-yard from which Whittlesey was just departing. A woman and her grown daughter were standing outside the door.
"My good woman," said Howard, "will you kindly give me a drink of water?"
"No. Get out of my yard. A lot of more impident Yankees I never seed."
"But I have done nothing and said nothing out of the way, and will severely punish any of my soldiers who should say or do anything wrong."
"That sojer insulted me," said she, pointing to the retreating form of General Whittlesey. "He axed me for a drink of water and when I done give it to him he sassed me."
"But—but that is General Whittlesey, of my staff. I am sure he wouldn't be rude to any woman."
"Maw," said the girl, pulling her mother's dress, "I reckon he moughtn't have meant anything misbeholden."
"Hush; don't I know low-down blackguard talk when I hears it? He asked me 'what was the State of my nativity?'"
—Washington Post.
"I climb to rest," sings Lucy Larwin in a recent poem. So do we, Lucy. Our sleeping apartment is on the first floor from the roof.
—Light.
Softleigh—What is the matter with your nose?
Sardonicus—That is a berth mark.
Softleigh—I don't remember ever seeing it before.
Sardonicus—No: I just got it last night coming down from Minneapolis. I had an upper berth in the Pullman, and the train had a collision in Wisconsin.
—Chicago Liar.
It often happens that when a young man is disappointed in life he commits suicide. When he is disappointed in marriage he either "grins and bears it," or gets a divorce.
—Norristown Herald.
In returning from a trip down town the other week I left my shopping bag in the car, and when I mentioned the fact to Mr. Bowser and asked him to call at the street railway office and get it, he replied:
"No, ma'am, I won't! Anybody careless enough to leave an article of value in a street car deserves to lose it. Besides, you did not take the number of the car, and they would only laugh at me at the office."
"Do you take the number of every street car you ride in?" I asked.
"Certainly. Every sensible person does. Day before yesterday I came up in No. 70. I went back in No. 44. I came up to supper in No. 66. Yesterday I made my trips in Nos. 55, 61 and 38. To-day in Nos. 83, 77 and 15. The street railways contract to carry passengers—not to act as guardians for children and imbeciles."
"Mr. Bowser, other people have lost things on the street car."
"Yes—other women. You never heard of a man losing anything."
I let the matter drop there, knowing that time would sooner or later bring my revenge. It came sooner than I expected. Mr. Bowser took his dress coat down to a tailor to get a couple of new buttons sewed on, and as he returned without it, I observed:
"You are always finding fault with the procrastination of my dressmaker. Your tailor doesn't seem to be in any particular hurry."
"How?"
"Why, you were to bring that coat back with you."
"That coat! Thunder!"
Mr. Bowser turned pale and sprang out of his chair.
"Didn't lose it going down, did you?"
"I—I believe I—I——!"
"You left it on the street car when you come up?"
"Yes."
"Mr. Bowser, anybody careless enough to leave an article of value in a street car deserves to lose it. However, you took the number of the car, I presume?"
"N—no!"
"You didn't! That shows what sort of a person you are. Yesterday when I went down after baby's shoes I took car No. 111. When I returned I took car 86. When I went over to mother's I took car 56. The conductor had red hair. One horse was brown and the other black. The driver had a cast in his left eye. There were four women and five men in the car. We passed two loads of ashes, one of dirt and an ice cream wagon. The conductor wore No. 8 shoes, and was nearsighted. The street railways contract to carry passengers, Mr. Bowser, not to act as guardians for sap heads and children."
"But I'll get it at the office to-morrow," he slowly replied.
"Perhaps, but it is doubtful. As you can't remember the number of the car they will laugh at the idea, and perhaps take you for an impostor."
He glared at me like a caged animal, and made no reply, and I confess that I almost hoped he would never recover the coat. He did, however, after a couple of days, and as he brought it home he looked at me with great importance and said:
"There is the difference, Mrs. Bowser. Had you lost anything on the car it would have been lost forever. The street car people were even sending out messengers to find me and restore my property."
One day a laboring man called at the side door and asked for the loan of a spade for a few minutes, saying that he was at work near by; and he was so respectful that I hastened to accommodate him. Two days later Mr. Bowser, who was working in the back yard, wanted the spade, and I had to tell him that I lent it. As it was not to be found the natural inference was that the borrower had not returned it.
"This is a pretty state of affairs!" exclaimed Mr. Bowser when he had given up the search. "The longer some folks live the less they seem to know."
"But he looked honest."
"What of it? You had no business to lend that spade."
"I was sure he'd return it."
"Well, he didn't, and anybody of sense would have known he wouldn't. If somebody should come here and ask for the piano, I suppose you'd let it go. Mrs. Bowser, you'll never get over your countrified ways if you live to be as old as the hills. It isn't the loss of the spade so much, but it is the fact that the man thinks you are so green."
In the course of an hour I found the spade at the side steps, where the man had left it after using, but when I informed Mr. Bowser of the fact he only growled:
"He brought it back because he probably heard me making a fuss about it and was afraid of arrest."
Two days later, as Mr. Bowser sat on the front steps, a colored man came up and asked to borrow the lawn mower for a few minutes for use on the next corner.
"Certainly, my boy," replied Mr. Bowser; "you'll find it in the back yard."
When he had gone I observed that the man had a suspicious look about him and that I should not dare trust him, and Mr. Bowser turned on me with:
"What do you know about reading character? There never was a more honest man in the world. I'd trust him with every dollar I have."
In about half an hour Mr. Bowser began to get uneasy, and after waiting a few minutes longer he walked down to the corner. No black man. No lawn mower. By inquiry he learned that the borrower had loaded the mower into a handcart and hurried off. It was a clear case of confidence.
"Well?" I queried, as Mr. Bowser came back with his eyes bulging out and his hair on end.
"It's—it's gone!" he gasped.
"I expected it. The longer some folks live the less they seem to know. If somebody should come and want to borrow the furnace or the bay windows you'd let 'em go, I suppose."
"But he—he——"
"But what of it? You had no business to lend that lawn mower, Mr. Bowser. You'll never get over your countrified ways if you live——"
He would listen no further. He rushed out and sailed around the neighborhood for two hours, and next morning got the police at work, and it was three days before he would give up that he had been "hornswagled," as one of the detectives put it. Then, to add to his misery, the officer said:
"We'll keep our eyes open, but there isn't one chance in 500. After this you'd better let your wife have charge of things. That negro couldn't have bamboozed her that way."
—Detroit Free Press.
DEDICATED TO SOROSIS.
(With the respectful compliments of Plunder.)
Susie—Why don't you get married, Kittie?
Kittie—Well, I should like to—that's a fact. But, unfortunately, I'm not yet able to support a husband.
H.
This story opens on the third floor of a Harlem compartment-house.
He had been twisting around his chair trying to find words to express his undying devotion, and had already begun to hem and haw, when a voice came from the floor below:
"Miss Candlewick," it said, "I love you passionately—madly; bid me but hope, and all the dark colors of my life will change!"
This was a bonanza for the young man above.
"Miss Clara, darling," he said tremulously, "them's my sentiments."
Then another voice came from below:
"No, Mr. Goatee, I cannot bid you hope; I love another."
"And them's mine, Mr. Morris," remarked Miss Clara.
—Harpers' Bazar.
There is in Lewiston at least one man whose friends never worry about his ability to take care of himself no matter where he may be.
He went to the inauguration at Washington, last month, and after hanging around in the rain for an hour and becoming thoroughly wet, he thought it would be a good plan to go up and stand under the capitol portico,—that being next best to admittance to the capitol itself, which seemed to be out of the question, as he had no ticket.
But when he tried to avail himself of this shelter, a policeman stopped him.
"Can't I stand in here out of the rain?" the Lewistonian asked, innocently.
"No," said the policeman, "not unless you have a ticket."
Our Lewiston friend stood by and exercised his wits for a few moments. Presently two men in the capitol came out and asked the policeman for checks, in order that they might get in again.
"No checks," said the officer.
"But how are we going to get in when we come back?"
"Go ahead, and I'll remember you."
The Lewiston man heard this and needed no other hint. He retreated for a short time, then threw his coat back, tripped his hat rakishly on the back of his head and started on a run for the entrance, as though intending to brush right by the policeman.
"Hi!" said the officer, putting up his billy—"Where are you going?"
"Going in."
"Where's your ticket?"
"Ticket! Good gracious, you wouldn't give me any! You said you'd remember."
"Oh, yes! yes, yes! Pass right in."
And in he went.
The same gentleman once made a sixty days' tour of Europe for a sum less than a hundred dollars, passage included.
—Lewiston Journal.
The Shah has left Paris for Baden. If all the stories are true the Shah is rather a bad 'un himself.
—Chicago Herald.
BLISS.
WOE.
"There are some funny things in law, and lawyers meet with some funny cases once in a while," said Representative Kelly, of Lackawanna. "A man who is somewhat distinguished in criminal annals as an expert pickpocket once asked a friend of mine to take a case for him.
"'Where's your money?' inquired my friend.
"'I haven't got any,' was the reply, 'but if you'll promise to do the business for me I'll go out and get a watch for you in five minutes.'"
—Pittsburgh Dispatch.
—Boston Courier.
A lady who is opposed to corporeal punishment visited a school at the North End where the rod was being applied. Before going away she said a few words to the offender, and asked him to come and see her on a certain evening, promising that her daughter should sing and play to him. He said he would come, and at the appointed time a boy dressed in his best was ushered into her parlor, and for an hour or more his kind entertainers devoted themselves to his enjoyment. Afterwards the older lady took him one side and began to speak of the importance of good behavior and obedience to rules, when she was interrupted with: "Oh, I ain't that fellar! He gin me ten cents to cum, instid er him!"
—Boston Transcript.
A little boy, fond of "playing conductor," arranged the dining room chairs in line and called in his one passenger, a lady of serious mind, to know at what place she wished to stop.
"The station nearest heaven, my dear," she answered.
"Oh, you're on ee yong t'ain, lady—you're on ee yong t'ain!"
—Detroit Tribune.
Chicagoan (decisively)—I feel it in my bones that Chicago is going to have the fair.
New Yorker—I should advise you to see a physician. I know a man who felt something in his bones, and it turned out to be rheumatism.
V. S.
Gontran—But you are surely mad! How can you think of borrowing money on those terms and from people of that stamp?
Holske—My dear fellow, better go to a scamp who lends you money at 15 percent than to an honest man who refuses you at 5.
—Le Figaro.
Chicago Woman—I want a marriage license. My fiance is too busy to come himself.
Clerk of Court—Yes, ma'am (glancing at calendar). Let me see, this is the 10th, isn't it?
Chicago Woman—Why, how perfectly absurd of you! This is only my sixth.
—Minneapolis Tribune.
Wiggins—You're rather too old to take in as an office-boy. You must have lived pretty fast to be at the bottom of the ladder at your age.
Applicant—No indeed, sir. I'm just as slow as I ever was while a boy.
—Life.
A class in a San Francisco art school was recently startled by the sudden appearance in its midst of a dilapidated Irishman who, with tears in his eyes begged for enough money to get him a "bite." The first impulse of the presiding genius was to request him to move on, but his picturesque qualities suggested that he be given a chance to earn his supper by sitting as a model.
"Sit down," said the instructor, kindly. "If you will permit these young ladies to paint you we will pay you four bits. What do you say?"
"Av Oi'll let 'em wha-at?" replied the beggar, with a puzzled look on his face.
"Paint you. Paint you. It won't take very long."
"Bedad, Oi want th' foor bits bad enough," he returned, after a moment's reflection, "an' Oi'll be viry gla-ad t' let th' young ladies paint me av ye'll tell me how'll Oi'll git the paint arf me afterwar-rds."
—Harpers' Magazine.
Simpson (to friend who is lamenting the conduct of his son)—You should speak to him with firmness, and remind him of his duties.
Father—He pays no attention to what I say. He listens only to the advice of fools. I wish you would speak to him!
—San Francisco Wasp.
Araminta—You put your arm around my waist so gracefully, George.
George—I have had lots of practice. I was a street car conductor five years.
—Epoch.
Kind Lady (to tramp)—That coat you have on is pretty well worn out, isn't it?
Tramp—Yes, madame, I fear it has gone to the dogs.
—Clothier and Furnisher.
Although people do not like a tumble, they generally appreciate a fall in the mountains.
—Boston Gazette.
There is no experience more heavily fraught with deep ghastly lonesomeness than that of being shaved by a deaf-and-dumb barber.
—Washington Star.
THE OPIATES WERE FOR HER.
Mrs. Gabb—What is the matter with my husband?
Doctor—Nothing, except that he needs change. I prescribe opiates and rest.
Mrs. Gabb—Shall I give him the opiates at once?
Doctor—Oh, the opiates are not for him; they are for you.
—Once a Week.
The fact that diamonds are rapidly increasing in price is pleasing news to the Glass Trust.
—N. Y. World.
Bucket-shops are so called, apparently, because they carry in a pail the same goods which the bigger exchanges carry in hogsheads.
—Albany Times.
Firm Schoolmarm—You children must behave yourselves. I'll go wild if you don't. Jimmie Smith, stop cutting that desk. (Jimmie does not stop.) I'll put your knife in the fire if you don't. Never mind; I am going to write a note to your father.
Jimmie—Don't care if you do.
Schoolmarm—Don't talk to me that way. Put up that knife this very instant, or I'll box your ears. (Starts towards him.) Never mind, sir (taking her seat), I'm going to tell your mother.
Jimmie—Don't care if you do.
Schoolmarm—Don't you talk to me that way. Never mind, sir, I'm going to keep you in after school. Will Brown, you must not eat in school. Willie, Willie Brown. Never mind, sir. I'm going to tell your father.
Willie—Ain't got no father.
Schoolmarm—Well, I'll tell your mother.
Willie—Ho, she won't do nothin' but scold me.
Schoolmarm—Then I'll whip you myself. Bobbie Guns, go out and get me a switch.
Bob—Bill might hit me after school.
Schoolmarm—I never saw the like in my life. If you all don't stop making such a noise my head will split open. All of you, except Jimmie Smith, may go now. Jimmie, don't you go out of this house. Jimmie, Jimmie. Well, then, go on, you good-for-nothing thing. No, I won't kiss you. Go on away, I won't. Well, then (kissing him), I'll kiss you this once. Don't you put your dirty little arms around my neck. Oh, look, you have mussed my hair. You little rascal (hugging him), I can't help loving you.
—Liverpool Post.
Mike (pointing to the patriot O'Brien)—Ah! there's a man who Balfour would like to imprison for life if he only dared.
Pat—Imprison for life, d'ye say? Sure, man, 'twould be no use at all. For O'Brien would die long before such a brutal sintince could come to an end.
Mike—Ah, me bhoy! Faith, and I believe ye're right!
—N. Y. World.
Shellman.
A city child, wandering over a farm-yard with its father, was greatly frightened at the sight of a good-sized gobbler.
"Why, my boy, you don't mean to say that you're afraid of a turkey, when you ate one only yesterday."
"Yes, pa, but this one isn't cooked."
—Judge.
Some returned Boomers who failed to get claims in the Oklahoma territory are said to be anxious that Col. Ingersoll shall go out to Guthrie and modify his views as to the non-existence of Hades.
—Munsey's Weekly.
Parson (to candidate for Sunday school)—Have you been christened, my boy?
Boy—Yes, shir. Got marks in three plaishes on my left arm!
—Punch.
When I reached Lester's Crossroads it was to find the score or so of people comprising the hamlet very much excited, and their numbers had been re-enforced by a dozen or more farmers, who had come in on mules and in ox carts. I got accommodations at Jeffers', and in a few minutes Mrs. Jeffers had posted me as to the cause of the excitement.
"Thar's gwine to be the powerfulest lawsuit nobody ever hearn tell of," she explained. "Thar's gwine ter be as many as ten witnesses, and the lawyers will gab, and the squar' will boss everybody, and it will be the excitingest time we ever had. I'm so glad you got yere in time!"
The squar' who lived a mile out of the hamlet took dinner with us, also the lawyers, both of whom had made a ride of fifteen miles in the interest of their respective clients. The squar' was on his dignity, and the lawyers were looked up to with all the reverence and respect due the president of the United States. School was dismissed that the trial might take place in the school-house, and when we all found seats the place was packed. When the case was stated Thomas Andrews, a "squat farmer," was charged with having stolen, killed and converted to his own use one hog belonging to and the lawful property of William Ainsworth, another "squat farmer." The squar' opened his own court as follows:
"Here ye and look yere! This court ar' now open fur bizness, and it's agin the law to fuss or trifle. Them negroes and all others is warned to be powerful quiet, and if ary purson be in contempt he will get the full extent of the law. Hank Stovin, kick that ar big dog of your'n outer doors."
The prosecutor then charged the prisoner with having, between the 5th and the 20th of the month, stolen, killed and eaten, in whole or in part one hog belonging to the plaintiff, and described as black and white, 2 years old, weight 115 to 120 pounds, and in good health and fair condition.
He was followed by the other lawyer who denied the charge in toto, and intimated that he would prove a conspiracy to down the defendant, to the injury of his name and fame as an honest citizen of the commonwealth. The plaintiff was put on the stand, and when told to go ahead he said:
"I know that he 'un stole my hog, and I wanter see him sent to prison."
"Why do you suspect him of stealing the hog?"
"Hain't he shiftless and onery?"
"Is that why you suspected him?"
"It ar'. And I know the hog went over his way the last I seed of him."
The plaintiff hadn't made out much, but he had a witness who swore that he ate fresh pork at Andrews' cabin on the 12th. He also saw hog bristles and hoofs on the ground near the cabin.
"You declare that on your oath, do you?"
"Sartin, I've got to tell it as it was, though Tom and I hev always jiggered (got along) without a word."
A second witness swore that he called at Andrews' cabin on the 15th and the wife had fresh pork in a kettle. He asked if Tom had been killing and she seemed confused and did not reply. That was the case for the prosecution. It looked slim in one sense, and yet everybody knew that Andrews was a shiftless, suspicious character not above hog stealing. When the opposing counsel got hold of the plaintiff he asked:
"Was this hog ranging the country?"
"Yes, he was loosely about and around."
"Went where he pleased, didn't he?"
"Reckon he did."
"Well, how do you know he is dead? How far have you hunted for him?"
"Three miles."
"But he may be alive and well and four miles away."
"Couldn't be. Tom Andrews killed him."
"That's only your suspicion. Can you swear that that hog isn't home this very minute?"
"Mebbe he ar', but I shan't dun giv in."
The witness who had sworn to eating pork at Andrews' table was asked:
"Can you tell pork from a two-year-old hog from pig meat?"
"No, sah."
"Dare you swear that the meat you ate that day wasn't coon or bear meat?"
"Reckon 'twas pork."
"Yes, you reckon, but do you know it was?"
"Dasn't dun sw'ar any harder, sah."
The second witness was also tangled up on cross-examination, and then Andrews was put on the stand.
"Tom, did you ever see this hog in question?" asked his lawyer.
"Lawd, no!"
"How long since you had any fresh pork at your house?"
"Almost before the wah, sah."
"What meat did Miner eat there that day?"
"Coon, sah."
"What about those bristles and hoofs he says he saw?"
Tom produced a small package and opened it and displayed the four feet of a coon and a handful of hair. He admitted on cross-examination that he was onery, but he claimed to be honest.
"Mrs. Andrews," asked the lawyer when she was called, "do you remember when Jackson called about the quilt frames?"
"'Deed, I do."
"Were you cooking meat?"
"Sartain, I was."
"Fresh pork?"
"No, sah—'possum."
"Were you confused?"
"Lawd save ye, but I was never dun confused in all my life."
The case wasn't very strong in a legal sense against Andrews, but after it had been submitted his Honor called up all his dignity and commanded:
"You thar! Tom Andrews, stand up!"
Tom arose.
"Prisoner," continued the judge, "you stole that air hog suah's shooting! It's jist like you. You killed it and converted it to your own use. I'm jist as satisfied of that as I ar' that you took coons outen my trap last winter. However, they hain't proved it down fine and I've got to turn ye loose. Ar' yer ears wide open, Tom?"
"'Deed they is allus so."
"Then you skitter (listen) to what I'm going to say. Justice is arter you. She hit your trail way back ten years ago, and she's followin' right along. She moves slow but suah. She's gittin very clus to your vest buckle, and when she reaches out fur ye it will be good-by, Tom Andrews. You kin go loose, but it's only fur a leedle while. Justice is givin' ye mo' rope so that the bringin' up will be harder. Git out of yere and lumber yer carcass off hum, and if I was the plaintiff I'd cut across lots and meet ye down by the creek and lick the value of that hog outer yer wrinkled hide. Court stands a-journed."
—Detroit Free Press.
A PATHFINDER.
Travis—What! going into the Adirondacks without a guide?
DeSmith—Of course. Do you suppose a man who has trotted around Boston for five years is going to lose his way in the Adirondacks? Not much!
—Burlington Free Press.
There is a demand among theatrical people for "protection for American actors." How would an egg-intercepting screen at the front of the stage do?
—Philadelphia Times.
"Oh, dry up!" shouted somebody in the crowd to the intoxicated individual in the middle who was trying to make a campaign speech.
"Gen'l'men," said the speaker, stopping short in his harangue and looking about with an injured and insulted air, "I dunno what I've ever (hic) done to make you wish (hic) that I should ever (hic) come (hic) to such an awful end!"
—Somerville Journal.
As Rich, the harlequin, was one evening returning home from the playhouse in a hackney coach, he ordered the coachman to drive him to the Sun, then a famous tavern in Clare Market. Just as the coach passed one of the windows of the tavern, Rich, who perceived it to be open, dexterously threw himself out of the coach window into the room. The coachman, who saw nothing of this transaction, drew up, descended from his box, opened the coach door, and let down the step: then taking off his hat, he waited for some time, expecting his fare to alight; but at length, looking into the coach, and seeing it empty, he bestowed a few hearty curses on the rascal who had cheated him, remounted his box, turned about, and was driving back to the stand, when Rich, who had watched his chance, threw himself into the coach, looked out, asked the fellow where in all the world he was driving, and desired him to turn again. The coachman, almost petrified with fear, instantly obeyed, and once more drew up to the door of the tavern. Rich now got out; and, after reproaching the fellow with stupidity, tendered him his money.
"No, God bless your honor," said the coachman; "my master has ordered me to take no money to-night."
"Pshaw!" said Rich; "your master's a fool; here's a shilling for yourself."
"No, no," said the coachman, who by that time had remounted his box, "that won't do; I know you too well, for all your shoes—and so, Mr. Devil, for once you're outwitted."
—Birmingham Post.
HY are very young sailors like condiments?
Because they are little salts for sea-sons.
—Ocean.
I asked my own class of boys and girls if they always said their prayers night and morning. Most replied that they did, but one small child said she only said her prayers in the morning. "Indeed, and how is that?" I inquired. "I should think you would need God's care more at night than in the daytime. Why don't you say your prayers at night?"
"'Cause I always sleep in the middle," was the quick reply.
—Pittsburgh Press.
Scene—Salem, 1660.
Priscilla Puritannica—Yes, Master Virtuous Ebenezer Smith, I love you.
Virtuous Ebenezer—Oh, you sweet girl.
Pris. Pur.—Now, do not be too voluptuous, Master Virtuous Ebenezer Smith, and do not call me sweet.
Virt. Eb—I will try.
They engage in silent prayer.
In Boston, 1889.
Victor Emanuel Smythe—Darling, kiss me.
Priscillesca Powderpuff—I should like to, but oh, Vicky, God sees everything!
Vic. Em. Sm.—Well, turn the light down.
(Priscilla turns it out.)
Chorus—Yum, yum, yum!
—To-Day.
"I'll do it," he repeated, grinding his teeth and showing the whites of his eyes.
"Nonsense!" said Matilda. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself for threatening such wickedness—and besides, you don't mean it. Go along!"
"Ha, ha!" exclaimed William Trotters, in a hollow voice. "Ha, ha!"
"You give me the creeps when you laugh like that," said Matilda; "and all the way to Gravesend you grumbled—when you weren't seasick. That is pretty lover, to go and be bilious on a pleasure trip!"
"It was the iron that had entered into my soul, Matilda," remarked Trotters, solemnly.
"It disagreed with you, whatever it was," said Matilda, tossing her pretty head and turning up her nose. "And when another gentleman—a stranger—was attentive, and took care of me, instead of being grateful, you went on like a mad bull, and talked about having his gore."
"Either his or my own," groaned Trotters. "Oh, woman! why art thou thus?"
"You wouldn't want to marry us if we weren't, would you, gaby?" snapped Matilda. "Give me that nasty thing, there, do!" She pointed to Trotters' breast pocket, which, as far as could be seen by the light of the street-lamp near them, looked bulky.
"Never!" said Trotters, recoiling.
"It'll go off one of these days, I know it will," sobbed Matilda, "and then you'll be sorry."
A smile illumined Trotters' visage. Nobody knew better than himself that the deadly weapon wasn't loaded. He had bought it of a marine store dealer, cleaned and polished it—it was a five-chambered revolver—and clicked the trigger three or four times to make sure; but even that made him nervous.
"She's really frightened!" he said, as he walked away.
An irresistible impulse came over him to frighten her a little more. He went back. He peeped over the garden gate. The house stood dark and silent. Everybody had gone to bed. He would steal round into the back garden and throw a little gravel up at Matilda's window. That would bring her down.
The onion and cabbage beds rose right up to the house wall. In the soft mould his footsteps fell silent. Ha! what was that? Jealousy! Wrath! Revenge!
A male figure stood in the center of the onion-bed. Its hat was cocked on one side, its gaze uplifted to Matilda's window. One arm was stretched out in an attitude of supplication. A bush rustled as Trotters stole warily behind him. Matilda's window opened. Matilda's voice queried, "Is that you, dear?" It was too much. Trotters drew the fatal pistol and clapped it to his rival's ear.
"Stir a step and you're a dead man!" he hissed, trying to steady his shaking hand. Too late! There was a flash—a terrible explosion! The stranger fell prone, and lay motionless on the ground.
Trotters was unaware that his cousin Jack, who was in the Carabineers, had expressed much curiosity regarding the weapon Trotters carried with such jealous solicitude, and, being of a larksome disposition, had surreptitiously gained possession of the revolver, placed a blank cartridge in each of the barrels, and returned it to the pocket of the unsuspecting Trotters, or he might have behaved differently. But no, he felt that in his passionate jealousy he had committed a deadly crime, and sent to his last account an innocent man. 'Twas too much. Trotters shrieked aloud in terror, and then fainted.
Matilda flew down to him with her hair in curl-papers. They found him lying cold and motionless beside the garden scarecrow!
—Ally Sloper's Half Holiday.
Architectural Upholsterer—And how do you think of having the library furnished, Mr. Gasbuhm?
Mr. Gasbuhm—Why, I want a pool table in it, and a sideboard, of course; a couple of card tables and a lay out for the chess club, and what little whim whams and frenzies you want to make it look well.
"And about the book shelves; will you——"
"Oh, shoot the book shelves; put the books in the boys' rooms; they're going to school; I don't want books stuck under my nose when I'm busy enjoying myself."
—Brooklyn Eagle.
1.
2.
3.
Smiley Basker—Yes, I'm going to get married at last, but it's mighty risky, mighty risky.
Van Riper—Well, don't worry; you can't do worse than your wife, anyway. Who is she?
—Munsey's Weekly.
First Cadet—Did you ever smell powder?
Second Cadet—Yes?
"Where?"
"On a Vassar girl."
—San Francisco Argus.
Stranger—Did a pedestrian pass this way a few minutes ago? Granger—No, sor. I've been right outer this tater patch more'n a nower, and notter blamed thing has passed 'cept one solitary man, an' he was tramping 'erlong on foot.
—Time.
"Mr. Kajones," said young Springbyle, clearing his throat, "I have called to ask permission to pay my addresses to your daughter."
"Which one, Julius?" inquired Mr. Kajones.
"Miss Maria, sir."
The father looked fixedly at the young man. "What are your prospects in life, Julius?" he said.
"To tell you the truth, sir," acknowledged young Springbyle, "I have no prospects worth mentioning. I am in moderate circumstances and have no resources except a knowledge of my business, good health and steady habits."
"Just so, Julius," mused the father. "Your income, I dare say, is——"
"About $1,200 a year."
"And on this, my young friend, you would expect to support yourself and a young woman who has lived in a home where she has never been used to anything like privation, or even judicious economy?"
"It does seem presumptuous for me to think of it," faltered the youth, "and as I see it does not meet with your approval I will say no more about it and ask your pardon for——"
"Stay, Julius!" exclaimed Mr. Kajones, somewhat hastily. "I only asked you those questions as a matter of form. If you want Maria, my boy, you can have her!" And he shook the young man warmly by the hand.
Mr. Kajones, it may be proper to state, has eight unmarried daughters besides Maria.
—Chicago Tribune.
Joe—Gus looks crushed, as if he had something heavy on his mind.
Jack—A thought, perchance.
—Time.
Old Gent—Little boy, I am sorry to see you smoking a cigarette.
Little Boy—I ain't smoking it. I'm keeping it alight for another feller what's gone on an errand.
—Boston Courier.
ATES, an old negro, sought the Mayor of Chicago. "What can I do for you?" the mayor asked.
"Wall, sah, I doan' know 'bout dat, but I come yere to see ef I kain't git jestice somehow."
"What's the matter?"
"'Nuff de matter ter make er man pizen, dat's whut. I moved up yere from the South 'caze I didn't think I wuz enjoyin' all my rights down dar——"
"I see. They interfered with your right to vote."
"Oh, no, sah; da let me vote all I wanted ter. Nices' people 'bout dat I eber seed. Jes' let me stan' up an' vote right erlong, but den da didn't count my vote."
"And you wanted to come to a place where your vote counted?"
"Yes, sah."
"Well, what is the trouble?"
"'Leckshun troubles."
"Don't you believe your vote was counted?"
"Oh, yes, I know it was."
"Then what have you to complain of."
"W'y, sah, I hadn't mo'n voted 'fo' er blame p'liceman came up, he did, an' lammed me ober de head."
"What were you doing?"
"Nothin' er tall; jes' standin' dar."
"Didn't he tell you to move on?"
"Yes, sah, but whut bizness was it o' his'n? I wan't foolin' wid him."
"What did you say when he told you to move on?"
"Didn't say nothin'. Jis' sorter shuck my head, an' den he come er hittin' me wid dat stick. Dat ain't no way ter ack—no way ter do w'en er man is 'habin' hisse'f."
"I'm very sorry——"
"You ain't ha'f as sorry ez I is, sah. Jis' look at dis yer lump on my head. I'd ruther not hab my vote counted den ter pay so dear fur it. Ef da hatter hit me to make my vote count w'y, den, I'd ruther they would fling it outen de box. Dat's er mighty cuis way ter do business. Crack er man's skull ter make his vote count. Doan't want no more votes counted in dis town."
—Arkansaw Traveler.
A Pittsburgh doctor says he can diagnose ailments by examining a single hair of the patient. Two young men, as a joke, took him a hair from a bay horse. The doctor gravely wrote a prescription, and said his fee was $25, as the case was precarious. They were staggered, but paid the fee, and after they got out laughed all the way to the apothecary's. The latter took the prescription and read in amazement: "One bushel of oats, four quarts of water, stir well, and give three times a day, and turn the animal out to grass!" Then the jokers stopped laughing.
—Denver News.
Undertakers are gravely opposed to cremation.—Boston Gazette. Are they in urn est?
C. A. M.
A gentleman here who was "burglarized" about two years ago, reported his loss to the detectives and offered naturally to assist them in every way. At first he called frequently to ascertain if any news of the thieves had been obtained, but being met always with a negative his visits became infrequent and finally ceased. He had forgotten the matter altogether until recently, when he was called upon by one of the detectives, who stated:
"We have got a clew."
"That is good. Is it a promising one?"
"Certainly. We have discovered the thief."
"Better still. You have him arrested?"
"We can't do that. It's too late."
"How is that?"
"He died last week, confessing to the robbery."
It's a grand thing to get a clew.
—Denver News.
Cholly—I say, Fweddie, what makes J. Wilkes Brutus take such long stweps? Do all actahs walk that way?
Fweddie—Yes. They acquiah that twagic stwide while traveling. They take two ties at one step, ye know.
—Chicago Liar.
There were several little things I wanted done about the house this fall, and so the other week I engaged a colored man to come and work for a couple of days. It so happened that he came one morning before Mr. Bowser had left the house, and was greeted with:
"Well, what's up now?"
"I'ze dun bin hired to work, sah."
"Who hired you?"
"De lady, sah."
"What to do?"
"Jobbin', sah."
"Well, the lady has changed her mind and doesn't want you."
After the man had gone, Mr. Bowser came into the house and asked:
"Did you hire a colored man?"
"Why, yes."
"What for?"
"I was going to have him whitewash the vegetable cellar, take down and clean the laundry stovepipe and do some other jobs."
"H'm! Mrs. Bowser, I don't believe in encouraging such people. He'd have done about one hour's work and charged you for a whole day. I don't believe he knows any more about whitewashing than I do about playing the harp."
"But he said he did."
"Certainly. Did you ever see a negro who wouldn't say anything to fit the occasion?"
"Well, but—-"
"There is no 'but' about it. If there are any little jobs about the house I've got plenty of time to do them. In fact, I need just such exercise. Such work is a diversion to me, and the doctor recommends it."
"Do you mean to say you will do the whitewashing?"
"I do. I don't do it to save a dollar, but for my own benefit. I always like the smell of lime."
"I wish you wouldn't do it. You will get lime in your eyes, and you will blame me for it, and—-"
"There you go! Blame you! What would I blame you about? If I get lime in my eyes it's my own fault. Mrs. Bowser, you are getting to be a good deal of a crank lately."
"Well, if you are determined on it, don't say that I asked you or encouraged you."
"That's a funny way to talk to me, Mrs. Bowser! Are you getting ready for the insane asylum? I think I run my own house yet. If I'm willing to peel off and do these odd jobs, I ought to be encouraged instead of insulted."
I was quite sure how it would end, but I said nothing more, and in the course of half an hour he got into his old clothes and went down cellar. I followed him down to give him a few last words of advice, but he didn't need them.
"You go right upstairs and sit down and enjoy yourself," he said. "Here's the brush and here's a pail of lime, and if I don't white-wash more cellar in ten minutes than Moses could in all day, I'll never try it again. Besides, Mrs. Bowser, whitewashing is not the slouch work you imagine it to be. It has got to be done by a person of taste and intelligence or it won't stand. I want a little blueing to give it a tinge."
"You understand," I said, as I got what he wanted, "that I did not ask you to do this work."
"Ask me! What on earth ails you, Mrs. Bowser? You are making fuss enough over ten minutes' work to warrant a year's job."
"It must be well done."
"Certainly."
"Two coats all around."
"Just so."
"Even if it takes you all day?"
"Even if it takes me over half an hour, which it won't. I'll show you a job here that will make a black man turn green with envy. Just run upstairs and make yourself comfortable."
I retreated up the stairs to the kitchen door and waited for results, which I knew were sure to come. Mr. Bowser dipped and dished and sozzled and stirred until he had the liquid to his liking, and as he began on the stone wall I heard him chuckling:
"I said fifteen minutes, but I'll go slow and take twenty. The idea of a colored man sloshing around here all day to do this work. Let's see. I believe I'll take the overhead first."
I held my breath in suspense for a long minute. Then a yell arose from that cellar which jumped the cook out of her old slippers and made her cry out:
"For heaven's sake, Mrs. Bowser, have we been struck by another cyclone?"
There was a second and a third yell, and as I hurried downstairs Mr. Bowser stood in the middle of the cellar, hands out-stretched and jumping up and down as if he had fire under his feet.
"For heaven's sake, what is it, Mr. Bowser?" I asked.
"Whitewash—lime—fire!"
"Where?"
"In my eyes! I'm blind! I've burned them out!"
I got hold of him and led him out to the laundry tubs and set the water to running. He had indeed got a dose in his eyes, but it was more painful than dangerous. He could hardly see daylight after we had washed out all the lime, and as I led him upstairs he said:
"I shall never see again!"
I washed his eyes with milk and got him to lie down on the lounge, and in a couple of hours he was pretty near all right. His eyes were sore, but no great damage had been done. He was very gentle until he discovered this. Then he suddenly turned on me with:
"Mrs. Bowser, what possible excuse can you urge in extenuation of your conduct?"
"What do you mean?"
"What do I mean? That's a cool question to ask me! In view of what has transpired what have you to say?"
"I say that you were foolish to undertake the job. I warned you how it would turn out."
"Mrs. Bowser!" he shouted, squirting tears of lime water out of his eyes, "do you pretend to deny that you didn't encourage me to undertake a task which you knew would put my whole future happiness, if not my life, in peril?"
"I do, sir. I did all I possibly could to dissuade you."
"And you are not to blame?"
"Not in the least."
"Mrs. Bowser, this is too much—too much! I could forgive one who had wronged me, if penitent, but when they attempt to brazen it out it is time for action. We will settle on the amount of alimony right here and now."
But we didn't. After blinking around for half a day he went down town, and when he came home to supper he was as good-natured as pie. I got a colored man to come and do the work, and two or three days later, when Mr. Bowser happened down cellar, I heard him saying to himself:
"Yes, it's a mighty slick job I did on this, and I'll tackle that stovepipe to-morrow morning."
—Detroit Free Press.
Mr. de Teeze (returning late from the smoking room, and seeing for the first time the hose stretched)—Wha-wha-whash thish mean? Awful bad, thish time! Oh, I shee. I unishtan. 'Sh all ri. No worsh'n ush'l. Shnakes on shore, shea sherp'ns on ships. Or ri'. Qui' proper too.
—Ocean.
New York can't decide upon a site for the world's fair. An excellent place to hold the fair, after the old folks have retired, is on your lap. P. S.—So we've been told.
—Norristown Herald.
Men have often remarked on the fertility of woman's mind. Physiologists declare she never reasons, but as an instinctive creature she often reaches a correct conclusion much quicker than a man. If they lack the intricate process of ratiocination they have the happy faculty of walking straight through mental difficulties like a somnambulist in sleep.
The fellows who discuss "Is Marriage a Failure?" or "Why I am a Bachelor," have wondered lately how women reach their cute noses with a handkerchief since the advent of the new fangled veil. It covers the greater part of the face, and is as ornamental possibly as protective.
Two women veiled alike met yesterday. It was evident that they hadn't seen each other for some time, and they rushed together in a long embrace. The inevitable kiss came next. Both essayed the attempt, but the veils rendered this impossible. Quick as a flash one of the ladies turned the side of her face to her companion and the latter smacked a spot on her cheek somewhere below the ear. This was satisfactory and then followed the usual storm of quick womanly ejaculations.
"Is kissing on the lips no longer fashionable?" queried a reporter of a lady he met after this event.
"No, not since the introduction of the new veil," she answered sweetly. "You see the lips are completely covered, and it has become the fashion to press the lips against the cheek. This thing of kissing is a nuisance anyhow, and I wish the ladies would all stop it."
—Pittsburgh Dispatch.
Careful Papa—But which loves Clara most—Brown, Jones or Smith?
Observant Mamma—Why, Mr. Smith, to be sure.
Papa—How can you make that out? Last night Brown asked and plead with her to sing; when she finished, Jones was enthusiastic in praise; but Smith didn't say a word!
Mamma—No, but to-night he asked her to sing again——
Papa—Poor Smith, he must, indeed, love her!
—Light.
START.
He—O, my darling, you are so much better than I am, and I am so unworthy of you!
She—Love, I don't see what you can find about me to love!
FINISH.
She—I don't see why I ever married such a brute. I am going straight home to mother.
He—Brute, eh? I want you to understand, young woman, that I only married you out of pity.
—Lawrence American.
A week or two ago a well-known dealer in live stock of this city went over to Washington County to make a deal with a big stock raiser, who is also prominent as a strict Prohibitionist. The cattle having been inspected and the price agreed upon, the Washington County man retired to the house to make out a receipt and so on, leaving the Pittsburgher in his son's hands. As soon as the old man had disappeared indoors his son, a bright lad, nearing his majority, said to the Pittsburgher:
"This is rather dry work talking all day, ain't it?"
The Pittsburgher vehemently assented.
"Well," continued the young man, "I've a bottle out in the haymow, and we might as well get a taste of the stuff while dad's not by."
The Pittsburgher said "yes" again, and the two repaired to the haymow and looked upon the contents of the black bottle. Then the young Washingtonian hid the bottle in the haymow, saying as he did so: "Don't tell the old man anything about this—he's awful down on drinking."
Of course the Pittsburgher vowed silence as he smacked his lips and left the barn. Two minutes later he was in the house paying over the money to the old stock raiser. After the business in hand had been dispatched and the bargain had been closed the Pittsburgher was about to take his leave, when the old man said, rather awkwardly: "Say, are you feelin' dry? I've a jug down in the cellar, and the liquor's fine."
It is hardly necessary to say they were soon in the cellar. As the old Prohibitionist drained his glass he said to his guest: "Don't say nothing 'bout this to them boys o' mine—they don't know about the jug!"
—Pittsburgh Dispatch.
Mrs. Smalltalk (two minutes later)—Well, doctor, why in the world don't you look at my tongue, if you want to, instead of writing away like a newspaper editor? How long do you expect I am going to sit here with my mouth wide open?
Physician—Just one moment more, please, madame; I only wanted you to keep still long enough so that I could write this prescription.
—Somerville Journal.
Mrs. Jason came home the other evening with her face "wreathed in smiles," as the novelists have it.
"Well, what are you grinning at?" was the cordial greeting of her lord and master.
"I heard something funny down town," she answered.
"Well, what was it?"
"Oh, nothing much. I happened to meet little Johnny Figg, who used to keep the apple stand across the way, you know, and he's got a better one down town now. I asked him how he was getting along and he says to me, 'Oh, I'm still keeping a stand, you see.' I thought it was the cutest thing I had heard for a good while."
"Oh, you did, did you, Maria? If I ever see where the laugh comes in I'll try and smile, even if I have to get up in the middle of the night to do so," was his crushing reply, to which she deigned no answer.
About two o'clock in the morning Mr. Jason was awakened from a dream of being stabbed by a masked assassin, to find his wife energetically nudging him below the fifth rib.
"Oh, Jehiel, I had that wrong," she twittered, in a tone of one who has made a great discovery. "Johnny said his business was at a stand still. You see the point now, don't you?"
"Yes, I reckon so," said the old man in no gracious tones, "and if I feel the point of your infernal elbow jabbing me in the ribs any more to-night I'll go to sleep in the barn. Do you hear?"
"And he didn't laugh either as he promised to," was her reflection as she settled down to sleep again with the sweet consciousness of duty performed.
—Terre Haute Express.
Weather Bureau Chief (to assistant)—Well, what's the forecast for Pennsylvania?
First Assistant (looking perplexed)—Very confusing. There's a falling barometer in Lehigh, a rising one in Lancaster, easterly winds in Berks and——
Chief (pettishly)—Oh, well! make it "showery," then.
—Philadelphia Inquirer.
This is a momentous event in a boy's life, as it is to him the line of demarcation between boyhood and manhood.
The microscopic indications under his chin are becoming annoying to him, and he considers it a duty to society to have them removed without delay.
He has already made several surreptitious attempts with his father's razor, to the great detriment of both the razor and his face, and although he succeeded, in a measure, in removing the obnoxious down, yet it was with the unpleasant accompaniment of some of his chin. Therefore he determines to do the thing in a manly way, and resolves to submit to the barber's delicate manipulations without delay.
It takes him some time to muster up the requisite courage to enter the barber's shop, as he has certain misgivings that the barber might indulge in facetious and satirical remarks concerning his beard.
He passes the shop many times and looks in; but his heart sinks within him. There is always some drawback—either too many people inside or too few; in either case of which he thinks he will be noticed. Once he does enter; and one of the barbers venturing the inquiry, "Hair cut, sir?" involves him in delightful confusion, and to avoid further embarrassment, he submits to having his hair cut, and still remains unshaved.
At last, in sheer desperation, he makes a very firm resolve either to get shaved that day or never. With this heroic resolve, and twopence in his hand, he sallies forth to the barber's, and at a favorable moment walks in and tremblingly awaits his turn.
The sharp, short "Next!" sends the blood thrilling up his backbone, and he feebly climbs into the chair, and hurriedly says, "Shave me, please," and shuts his eyes.
The barber, with an eye to the twopence, says nothing, and proceeds to shave him, figuratively speaking. There is only one drawback to the boy's cup of happiness, and that is the entire absence of that peculiarly pleasant rasping sound which comes only from a long experience.
—Liverpool Post.
The season has come again when a fine string of fish in the hand is worth two dollars out of pocket to the man who didn't catch the fish.
—Albany Express.
Considering how little the bell knows it is wonderful how much it has tolled.
—Merchant Traveler.
HE DID NOT GET THE ORDER THOUGH.
Mr. Retired Politician (to Society Artist)—Now you are sure you can make a good likeness of me?
Society Artist—Oh, yes; you see yours is a very simple face—er, er, I mean to draw, you know.
A great deal of fault can be found with a defaulter.
—Pittsburgh Chronicle.
Policeman (to street musician)—Have you a permit to play on the streets?
Itinerant Musician—No.
Policeman (making him a prisoner)—Then accompany me.
Itinerant Musician—With the greatest pleasure. What do you wish to sing?
—Fliegende Blätter.
Husband—I guess Sarah and that young man that calls on her are engaged by this time.
Wife—Why do you think so?
Husband—The gas bills aren't as large as they used to be.
—Yankee Blade.
"Have you ever tried, Lawrence, to estimate the height of my father's regard for you?"
"No, but it occurred to me last night that it was about a foot."
—Glens Falls Republican.
"Did you intend to hit this man when you shot at him?" asked the Judge.
"Did I ten' to hit 'im?"
"Yes."
"No, sah; if I had 'tended to hit 'im I would 'er tuck a club."
—Merchant Traveler.
Citizen (to tramp)—Poor fellow! You look as if you had been in the soup.
Tramp (half famished)—For heaven's sake, tell me on which side to open my mouth.
—Burlington Free Press.
There is nothing novel in the announcement that Mrs. Chamer has abandoned literature. Amelie's literature has always been more or less abandoned.
—Omaha Bee.
A FOOLISH QUESTION.
Le Sawft—Why, captain, what in the world is that flat boat for?
Captain—That is for use in landing dudes.
—Ocean.
Claus Spreckels wants to build houses of sugar. If an apartment building of this material is erected we are willing to take a sweet of rooms.
—Lawrence American.
"Well, what do you think!" exclaimed Mr. Bowser as he came hurrying home from the office the other afternoon.
"Have you gone and got some more hens or bought another horse?"
"Mrs. Bowser, the event of our life is about to happen."
"What is it?"
"You know Gregg? Well, Gregg owns a little farm out here about twelve miles. There's a good house on it, and he says we can occupy it for the summer. We will have a cow and a horse, pigs, poultry and other stock, and we'll go out there and tan up and get fat and have the best time in the world."
"I don't think much of the idea, Mr. Bowser."
"You don't. You don't want cool breezes—fresh eggs—fresh berries—rich milk—songs of birds—lowing of the kine and rest from care!"
"You will be disappointed if you expect any such thing."
"I will, eh? Perhaps I don't know what the country is. You are always ready to throw cold water on any of my plans. I shall go, anyhow."
That was the beginning, and at the end of three days I yielded, womanlike.
One Monday morning we took the train and started, having engaged a farmer's daughter to take charge of the kitchen, and at the nearest railroad station we were met by a farmer and his lumber wagon. The sun poured down its hottest, the dust had covered grass and bushes, and as we jogged and jolted along the farmer queried of Mr. Bowser:
"Come out for your health, I suppose?"
"We did. Ah! this country air has already refreshed me."
"Has, eh? Well, there's heaps of it, and I'm thinking you'll get all you want in about a week. I think a city chap is a blamed fool to come out here."
"Do you? Why, the doctors recommended it. That boy ought to gain a pound a day, and I am sure my wife will brace right up with these pastoral scenes before her eyes."
"The doctors and pastoral scenes be darned!" growled the farmer, as he turned to his horses, and those were the last words he uttered until he landed us at the gate.
It was a comfortable frame house, and I did not observe the surroundings until after dinner. The barn had partly fallen in, giving it a weird and lonely look; most of the fencing was down, a gust of wind had laid the smoke-house on its back, and nearly every tree and bush about the house was dead or dying.
"Is this one of the pastoral scenes you referred to?" I asked Mr. Bowser.
"There you go!" he snapped. "You can't expect things to look as nice out here as in Central Park. We come for the balmy breezes and the rest."
"You spoke of hunting hens' eggs in the meadow grass."
"So we will—come on."
He made a dash for a big patch of burdocks near the back door, got tangled up in the ruins of a barrel, and when he got up he had a cut on his chin and his nose was bleeding. He tried to make light of the affair, but it was hard work.
When I asked after the horse and vehicle in which we were to take our morning jaunts he walked down to the barnyard and pointed out a raw-boned old yellow horse, so weak that he could not brush the flies away, and a one-horse wagon, quaint enough to have taken its place in a museum.
"You'll have our photographs taken after we all get seated in that rig, won't you?" I asked.
"That's it; just as I expected. Mrs. Bowser, what did you come out here for?"
"Because you obliged me to."
"I did, eh! Not by a long shot! You came to restore your health and to give our child a chance for his life. It will be the making of him. No more doctor's bills for us."
In the afternoon Mr. Bowser swung his hammock in the orchard. This was something he had doted on for a week. He had scarcely dropped into it when three or four caterpillars dropped on to him, and he put in the rest of the afternoon on the hard boards of the veranda. The cow came sauntering up about 5 o'clock, covered with flies and mosquitoes, and the girl hinted to Mr. Bowser that he was expected to milk.
"Oh, certainly," he replied. "I wouldn't give a cent for farm life unless I could milk a cow or two. I used to sing a ballad while I was milking."
The girl and I watched him as he took the pail and stool and approached the cow. The cow also watched him. Folks generally sit down on the right-hand side of the cow to milk. Mr. Bowser took the other side.
"What are you trying to do?" I called to him from the gate.
"Mrs. Bowser, when I want to learn anything about a cow I'll ask you for the information. I think I know my business."
So did the cow. She had been fooled with long enough, and she suddenly planted a hoof against Mr. Bowser with such vigor that he tumbled over in a confused heap. Between us we got him into the house, and the girl finished the milking. Mr. Bowser recovered from the shock after a while, and I felt it my duty to inquire:
"Mr. Bowser, don't you think a week of these pastoral scenes will be enough for us?"
"No, nor six weeks!" he growled. "Nothing would do but you must go into the country, and now I'll give you enough of it."
"Why, Mr. Bowser?"
"You needn't why Mr. Bowser me! You gave me no peace until I agreed to come, and now I'll remain here five straight years."
When the summer sun went down and the stars came out we were not as happy as we might have been. Mr. Bowser still held his hand on his stomach, the baby cried because the milk tasted of wild onions, and the girl lost the old oaken bucket in the thirty-foot well while getting a pail of fresh water. I asked Mr. Bowser when the kine would begin to low and the whippoorwills to sing, and he was so mad he wouldn't speak. However, if the kine didn't low, the pinchbugs and mosquitoes did. There wasn't a screen at door or window, and soon after sundown we were besieged.
That night seemed never ending. No one of us three slept a wink. The room was invaded with every insect known to country life, from a bat to a gnat.
When we got up in the morning the girl didn't know us. We were blotched and bitten until one would have suspected us of suffering with smallpox. Mr. Bowser knew himself, however, and before noon we were back in the city. He scarcely spoke to me all the way home, but once in the house he burst out with:
"Now, old lady, prepare for a settlement! You've nosed me round all you ever will. This has broken the camel's back. Which of us applies for a divorce?"
—Detroit Free Press.
A "TOUGH" CASE.
James—Hello, Gus, where have you been? Never see you at the old place.
Gus (swell about town)—No, de fact is, James, me boy, dey has got chicken for de free lunch dere.
"Tell yo' w'at, Mars' Parson," remarked Uncle Cocklesole, as he sat on the sill of a second-story window and looked down on the mounted missionary and the receding waters, "tell yo' wat it ar', ef hard luck don't jus' play leap frawg wid some sinners an' lan' wid fo' feet on udders, den I'm squinch-eyed in mer judgmen'. Dere's Jim Rasselbait! What de flood do for him? Swup his leaben chillen off de carf an' tu'ned de stove ober in de cabin so dat hit b'un up an he git a hun'ered dollars inshu'ance, an' dar he am, jus' scused ob car and 'sponsibility, goin' eround town rich as Crusoe an' no one ter lay claim ter one single per centum ob de money. An' der's merse'f. Blame ef de waters didn't jus' do nuffin to mer cabin but ransack all de furnicher, an' after hustlin' mer wife and chillens off in a way ter make a feller 'spicion dey's gone fo' good, blame ef they didn't leggo ob 'em jus' roun' de ben', an yer dey is all back ergin an' me wid no inshuance, and no provenger in de house ter s'ply 'em wid. Talk erbout ekal rights! Hit's only fellers like Jim Rasselbait, w'at's bo'n wid a coil, dat gits 'em all."
—Yonkers Gazette.
Government Clerk (to friend)—I'm in a frightful hole. I went to see two doctors yesterday and got a medical certificate from each. One was a certificate of health for a life insurance company, and the other was a certificate of illness to send to the chief with my petition for a week's leave of absence.
Friend—I've done that myself. What's the matter?
G. C.—Matter? Great Scott! I mixed the certificates in mailing them. The insurance company has my certificate of ill-health, and the chief has my certificate of good health.
—Boston Beacon.
The Johnstown sufferer is the latest variety of tramp in Kansas. He bears a close resemblance to all the rest in the particular that he looks as if he had never seen water.
—Kansas City Star.
A ballet-girl syndicate is the latest development of the Trust business. But in the nature of things it will not be much of a clothes corporation.
—Richmond Dispatch.
Hadji Hassein Ghooly Khan, envoy extraordinary and minister plenipotentiary from Persia, was one of the favorites in Washington society while there. He was very fond of going out and calling on the ladies, and was always most hospitably received wherever he went. That is, almost always, for an experience he had one Sunday afternoon proved that he was not as cordially received at one house as had been his wont. Ghooly Khan started out with the purpose of making a round of calls. It is his custom to pay his respects to the ladies of the fashionable world on Sunday the same as on the week days. The day being an extremely pleasant one, his landau was not brought into use. He walked from his residence on M street, to Massachusetts avenue, in the neighborhood of Fourteenth street, where the subjects of his first call resided. Walking up the stone steps in an indolent fashion, he reached the door and rather timidly touched the electric bell. After lingering some moments the servant appeared, and before Ghooly Khan could utter a word she shouted out: "The ladies are all busy and cannot be bothered with you now."
"Well," said the minister, completely nonplussed, "there must be a mistake; take in my card."
"Oh! don't worry them now," answered the servant, not allowing him to finish his sentence. "They are all about going to dinner and don't care for any one to see them at this time—you'd better come again in the morning; and the side door is always the handiest place for such as yez to call."
The minister waited for no more. The rebuff he had received at the hands of the unruly servant completely paralyzed him. He concluded that he had a sufficient dose of American society.
The ladies of the house soon learned of the "horrible" manner in which their distinguished caller had been received, and they at once made heroic and happily successful efforts to have the affair settled on a basis satisfactory not only to themselves but to the distinguished envoy from Teheran.
—New York Tribune.
"I want the library," said Mr. Gaswell to the architect, "to be the largest and airiest room in the house." "I don't see what you want with a library," interposed Mrs. Gaswell, "you know very well you don't smoke."
—Boston Transcript.
The following anecdote, which we have received as authentic from the lips of a clergyman, sets forth in a very pleasant way the folly of reproaching preachers as hirelings, merely because they receive temporal support from their congregations.
At the meeting of a presbytery in an eastern state, it fell to the lot of one of the ministers to be quartered with a man belonging to a denomination which does not allow of salaried preachers. He was accosted by his host as follows:
"What is thy name, friend? I mean the name thy parents gave thee."
"John."
"Has thee any objections that I should call thee by that name?"
"Certainly not; my mother always calls me John."
"Well, John, I understand thee belongs to the class of hireling preachers."
"You are greatly mistaken, sir; I do not belong to that class."
"I mean thee is one of those preachers who receive pay for preaching."
"No, sir; I receive nothing for preaching to my people."
"How then," said the interrogator, evidently surprised and disconcerted, "does thee manage to live?"
"Why, I work for my people six days, and then I preach for them on Sundays for nothing."
—Yankee Blade.
Sir Wilfred Lawson told the following story the other evening: A student at college was sent for by the Don, who said—"Sir, I am told you have a barrel of beer in your room, which is contrary to all orders." And the young man said: "Well, sir, that is true; but the fact is the doctors told me that if I drank this beer I should get stronger." The Don said: "Are you stronger?" "Yes, sir, indeed I am," was the reply, "for when the barrel came in I could scarcely move it, and now I can roll it round the room."
—Glasgow Weekly Mail.
"I'm in a pickle," remarked a young employe at the store.
"I've been expecting for some time that you'd get into a pickle," was the rather forbidding reply.
"Why, sir?"
"Because you are so confoundedly fresh."
—Albany Argus.
Ancient Mariner—Holy smoke, where's that young feller gone to? Didn't 'pear quite natral like anyhow.
"Charlotte, my dear, how is it I find you weeping? Have you bad news from your husband?"
"Oh! worse than that! Arthur writes me from Carlsbad that he would die with grief at being absent from me, were it not that he gazes at my picture and covers it with a thousand kisses every day."
"That is very nice of him; but surely you are not crying about that? Most woman would give anything to have such a poetic and devoted husband."
"Oh, yes, Arthur is very poetical; but you don't know. Just to try him, I put mother's photo into his traveling bag instead of my own, and the wretch has never found it out. Boo-hoo-hoo!"
—Pick-Me Up.
Old Grinder (to seedy applicant for job)—I hope that no bad habits have brought you to this poverty?
Borrowit—One, sir.
"Ah, I am glad you are frank about it. What was it?"
"This played-out old suit of mine. It has ruined my chances everywhere."
—Texas Siftings.
A Stevens avenue young lady was much pained and shocked as she walked down the street yesterday to see her young brother sitting astride the prostrate body of another boy and raining down blows upon his struggling victim.
"Johnny!" she almost screamed, "what are you doing? Come here this minute. Aren't you ashamed of yourself, fighting this way in the street?"
The boy reluctantly arose from his vanquished antagonist and faced his indignant sister. Then he explained:
"Well, I don't care. He said you wasn't good looking. I don't think you are either; but it ain't none o' his funeral. So I licked him."
—Minneapolis Journal.
Magistrate—O'Rally, you are charged with assaulting and brutally beating Michael McDooly at the reunion of the O'Rally family yesterday. Have you anything to say?
O'Rally—Yes, yer Honor. The bloke's an imposthor, sorr, and hasn't wan dhrop of the O'Rally blood in his skin, begorra, an' he dhrank oop all av the beer.
Magistrate—How is this, McDooly? Are you a kinsman of the prisoner?
McDooly—Faix, an' sure it is that I am, yer Honor; his grandfather wor Pathrick O'Rally av Belfast, an'——
O'Rally—An' bedad, phwat do that prove, yer Worship?
McDooly—An' Pathrick O'Rally's dochter marrit me own——
O'Rally—He's lyin', yer Honor; he's lyin'. Me grandfather never had any cheeldren at all, at all, sorr.
—Life.
Chauncey M. Depew tells the following story of another of the many interesting characters he encountered last Fall while addressing his fellow citizens on the vital issues of the campaign. It doesn't sound so much like a true story as some that are extant, but it is getting pretty late in the day to doubt his word:
One night, after the meeting was over and while the hall was clearing, a weather-beaten man buttonholed me and said:
"I'm postmaster out here at Shingle Corners. Blaze away and elect your man if you want to."
"You don't care for the office, then?" I said.
"No, that ain't it," he replied. "It don't pay but $14 a year, or mebbe good years, when I boom 'er a little, $15, but it's powerful handy to have in the house. No, my idee is that we can keep it in the fam'ly anyhow."
"How's that?"
"The old woman, you see, she's a rip-snortin' Republican, powerful so, reg'lar uncompromisin'. If Cleveland gets it I stay; if Harrison slides in the old woman comes to the front for her reward. Nobody else wants it, so there we be."
"Well, you're all right then."
"You bet we are. If we get tired of it or too old for it, or anything ever, there's my boy, a red-hot Republican, and my oldest gal, Democrat from 'way back. Oh, we're hustlers in our fam'ly when it comes to politics."
"But suppose the Mugwumps should develop power some day and carry things?" I asked.
"Well," he replied, "we will soon be fixed for that, too. The baby is a Mugwump—I know it 'cause he howls all the time. If you see anybody lookin' for p'ints on keepin' a good thing in the family jess send him out to Shingle Corners."
—Wasp.
Mr. Porker (of Chicago)—Talk about enthusiasm in your city over the fair! Why, I'll venture to say that there are some people in New York who haven't even heard of it.
Mr. Gotham—Well, if there are, they must be the inmates of the deaf and dumb asylum.
V.S.
1. If the bugs are troublesome you'll find the kloroform in a bottle on the shelf.
2. Gents goin' to bed with their boots on will be charged extra.
3. Three raps at the door means that there is a murder in the house, and you must get up.
4. Please rite your name on the wall paper so that we know you've been here.
5. The other leg of the chair is in the closet if you need it.
6. If that hole where that pane of glass is out is too much for you, you'll find a pair of pants behind the door to stuff in it.
7. The shooting of a pistol is no cause for any alarm.
8. If you're too cold, put the oilcloth over your bed.
9. Caroseen lamps extra; candles free, but they mustn't burn all night.
10. Don't tare off the wall paper to lite your pipe with. Nuff of that already.
11. Guests will not take out them bricks in the mattress.
12. If it rains through that hole overhead, you'll find an umbrella under the bed.
13. The rats won't hurt you if they do chase each other across your face.
14. Two men in one room must put up with one chair.
15. Please don't empty the sawdust out of the pillers.
16. Don't kick about the roches. We don't charge extra.
—Spokane Globe.
"I suppose this is my noose suit," laughed the condemned criminal when the jail warden brought him his clothes on the morning of the execution.
"Why," replied the warden, "you are as jolly as if you had been taking a drop."
"I'm going to take one by and by."
"Come, come," said the warden, seriously, "this is no time for joking."
"Why not?" asked the culprit, "ain't the whole thing going to end in a choke?"
—Boston Courier.
John S. Grey.
The buckwheat crop this year takes the cake over all former seasons. It wins by a mere scratch, however.—Philadelphia Press. Some door jambs look as though there had been a good deal of scratching in former years.
C. A. M.
The man who is given to sober reflection seldom gets into a tight place.
—Boston Courier.
The owner first breaks the race-horse; then the race-horse proceeds to break the owner.
—Washington Capital.
Dr. Brown-Sequard's new elixir of life is made from dogs, probably some infusion of bark.
—Toronto Globe.
"Will you pass me the butter, please?" asked a stranger of a snob at a restaurant table.
"That's the waiter over there, sir," was the supercilious reply.
"I beg your pardon," remarked the stranger. "I did make a mistake."
"You're only adding insult, sir," broke in the snob; "nothing could induce me to believe that you mistook me for a waiter!"
"Certainly not," returned the stranger. "I mistook you for a gentleman."
—Detroit Free Press.
Hotel Clerk—Is there anything that I can do for you?
Seedy Man—Yes, sir, you can loan me five dollars.
"But I'm not going to do it."
"No! I didn't think you would. I merely wanted to answer your question."
—Merchant Traveler.
A portly citizen left a Woodward avenue car at High street between showers yesterday, but was hardly on the sidewalk before he began yelling and beckoning at the car.
"It's agin orders to stop except at crossings," observed a passenger on the rear platform, as the conductor reached up to the bell-rope.
"Yes, but he has probably forgotten something."
"Well, let him get it when the car comes down. I have no patience with forgetful men."
"I guess I'll stop, anyhow."
"It's a shame to do it."
The car was stopped and the man came running and puffing to call out:
"Left my five dollar silk umbrella in the car."
"Yes, and here it is. I was keeping it for you!" replied the individual who had opposed a stop.
"Thanks. You are an honest man. If there were more men like you this would be a better world to live in. Here—have a cigar."
—Detroit Free Press.
Farmer Railfence—Just think, Maria! Squire Hawkins has built himself a thirty-thousand-dollar house, and I'll be blamed if he's got any decent glass in the whole of it.
Maria—What's he got, Ephraim?
Farmer Railfence—Paper says stained glass from cellar to garret. Nice glass, Maria, wouldn't have cost but little more than a lot of worthless stained stuff.
—Rochester Budget.
WEIGHT WILL TELL.
Ancient Mariner—Yes, mister, it was just down there the Mary Ann wrecked.
Doodle—Aw' me boy; sit down and tell me about it.
Yank Yahoo (to jeweler from whom he has just purchased a rolled plate engagement ring)—Naow, Mr. Jewelryman, what had I orter say when I put this 'ere ring on Mandy's finger? Dew I say "I ring yer," "I rang yer," or "I rung yer?"
Jeweler (repressing a smile)—You should say "I wrong you."
—Jeweler's Weekly.
Brown—The facial features plainly indicate character and disposition. In selecting your wife were you governed by her chin?
Jones—No, but I have been ever since we married.
—Omaha World.
—Wasp.
The youthful heir to a Walnut Hills ancestral establishment is of an inquiring turn of mind and directs his attention especially to the elucidation of religious problems. Last week he heard a Sunday school address on "The Prodigal Son." Just what the small boy thought of the address his father was curious to learn, and so he said to him that night at supper: "My son, tell me which of the characters in the parable of the prodigal son you sympathized with?" "Well, papa," replied the cherub with perfect nonchalance, "I think I'd feel disposed to sympathize most with the calf."
—Cincinnati Commercial Gazette.
He—Then this is your final answer, Miss Jones?
She—It is.
"You won't have me?"
"I am sorry, but I must decline."
"Then I will do something desperate."
"What will you do?"
"I will make away with myself."
"Oh! don't."
"I will. I'm determined to do it."
"Well, if you are determined, give a proof that you truly love me by insuring your life in my favor for $20,000 or so before you commit the desperate deed. I will get money from papa to pay the premium."
He left indignantly and at last accounts was still alive.
—Sunday Mercury.
He (of Boston)—I am so fond of Bacon! Aren't you?
She (of New Orleans)—Oh, yes; I don't think I could ever get tired of bacon, especially with eggs!
—Lowell Citizen.
Mr. Gunsaulus was telling a group of the bibliomaniacs yesterday that there was nothing so beautiful in a house as a bevy of bright children. "I have a very lovely family," said he. "I hold, as the sinful world would say, a bobtail flush."
"What's that?" asked Hon. Charles B. Farwell, the well-known collector of Bibles and psalm books.
"We were talking about children," exclaimed Mr. Gunsaulus, "and I was saying that in our family we had a bobtail flush—four girls and a boy."
"No," said Mr. Farwell, smiling sadly; "it is evident that you have had no experience in the ways of the world, otherwise you would not make so erroneous an application of terms. You do not hold a bobtail flush; you hold four of a kind—four queens and a jack—a powerful good hand, sir, and I should advise you to stand pat."
—Chicago News.
Grocer (who has lately joined the militia, practising in his shop)—Right, left, right, left. Four paces to the rear; march! (Falls down trapdoor into the cellar.)
Grocer's wife (anxiously)—Oh, Jim, are you hurt?
Grocer (savagely, but with dignity)—Go away, woman; what do you know about war?
—Liverpool Post.
MRS. O'FLAHERTY HAS THE BABY'S PICTURE TAKEN.
Minister (to Johnny, who is digging worms for bait)—Johnny, don't you know that it is wrong for you to do any work except work of necessity on the Sabbath?
Johnny—Necessity? Ain't this necessity? How's a feller to do any fishin' if he don't have bait?
—Lawrence American.
Judge—You say the prisoner threw you out of the door. Had you provoked him?
Plaintiff—Not at all. He advertised an unusually fine bargain sale of laces, and I went in and asked him for the lowest figure on a pair of shoe laces.
Judge—Prisoner is discharged. Mr. Clerk, swear out a warrant against plaintiff and have him arrested for criminal assault.
—Harper's Bazar.
"HEART BOWED DOWN!"
One of the officers of the Nypano, who is a great talker, received a rebuke from his little three-year-old girl on Memorial Day that was worse than he ever received from his older friends. He stayed at home that day to amuse his little girl who inherited the "gift of gab." She nearly wore him out asking questions until finally he said, "Amy, Amy, Amy. Do keep still; it's nothing but talk, talk, talk all the time." The little one didn't seem to care a bit, for she looked up innocently and said, "Talk, talk, talk. Jess 'ike papa."
—Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Old Friend—Well, Browne! what are you sending to the exhibition this year?
Our Artist (who really thinks he's done a good thing at last and longs for a little praise)—Oh—same old rot, as you see!
Old Friend—Ah—well—anyhow it brings grist to the mill, I suppose.
—Punch.
A HEAVY LOAD.
Lush—Gosh—hic—12 o'clock. Guess'll g'ome.
Young America (in the background)—Say, boss, drop in a nickel and weigh your load.
—Judge.
"Johnnie, my boy, wouldn't you have liked to have been George Washington?"
"Naw."
"No? And why?"
"He never seed a baseball game in his life."
—Nebraska State Journal.
A small manufacturer, who had engaged in many local speculations, which had always turned out well, had become a person of some wealth thereby. He was rather past the middle age when he bethought himself of insuring his life, and he had only just taken out his policy when he fell ill of an acute disease, which was certain to end fatally in a very few days. The doctor, half hesitatingly, revealed to him his hopeless state. "By jingo!" he exclaimed, rousing up at once into the old energy, "I shall do the insurance company! I was always a lucky fellow!"
—N. Y. Press.
—Life.
"Say, old man, why continue this coldness any longer? We haven't spoken to each other for two years, and because of a trivial quarrel."
"There is no reason why we shouldn't be friends. Of course, you were the aggressor in the quarrel, but I ask no apology."
"Oh, you're wrong. You started the row, you remember."
"No, I didn't. You killed my dog first——"
"Yes, but the hanged brute had been killing my chickens."
"It never killed one of them."
"It killed at least a dozen, and I'd shoot your other dog if it did that."
"And I'd pound the top of your head off for doing it."
"You couldn't pound one side of it."
"You're a liar."
"You're another."
"Come into the alley here and we'll have it out, you hound."
"I'll go you, you blear-eyed monkey."
—Lincoln Journal.
A Chicago gambler, whose first name was George, used to visit a Chinaman's establishment and smoke opium almost daily. One day he rushed into the place and said, excitedly: "Hip, loan me $10. Thanks. I'll come in and pay you to-morrow noon, if I'm alive," and out he went with the money. About three o'clock the next afternoon a friend of the gambler dropped in on the Chinaman and said: "Hip, where is George to-day?" and the confiding Celestial wiped his eyes with the corner of his blouse and replied: "George, him dead."
—Boston Globe.
It was on the St. Jose train and two young ladies—one as serious and good as a little nun, the other with a black eye with the devil's own glint in it—sat behind the youngest minister in town. The quiet one held in her hand a purple pansy so large that it attracted the attention of the young minister. While he was still looking at it the train rushed into a tunnel. The black-eyed young woman grabbed the pansy in the darkness from her companion, and leaning over, dropped it into the lap of the godly man. When the train reached daylight again the young minister had turned, and with the pansy in his hand was glaring reprovingly at the nun-like girl between whose fingers he had seen the flower. Her face was blazing and her downcast eyes seemed to confess her guilt. The whole car snickered and the malicious black-eyed girl read her book unconsciously.
This is why the young minister preached on the iniquity of flirting, yesterday.
—San Francisco Examiner.
"Husband, I've got a very serious thing to tell you."
"What is it, Laura?"
"Oh, it's dreadful, it's about Johnny."
"What has he been doing?"
"Well, he came into the house this morning, and what do you think—he was chewing tobacco."
"Pshaw! Don't give me such a turn again, Laura. I didn't know but he had been chewing gum."
—N. Y. News.
"I've got $10," says she, "and I want to open an account."
"With pleasure, madam. What is your name?"
"Simpkins."
"Christian name, please."
"Sophronisba."
"Any middle name?"
"Katherine."
"What is your age, please?"
"That's none of your business."
"Pardon me, madame, it is the rule of the bank to make these inquiries. I cannot go on without these inquiries. It is as necessary for your own protection as ours."
"Thirty-five, then."
"Are you married or single?"
"Now, look here, mister, you are impertinent. Do I look married? I'd like to see the man who'd marry me if he dared."
"Shall I write married or single? Be as quick as you can, please."
"Single, then. And, as I said, if you think——"
"Residence?"
"Right here in the city."
"Quite so, but the street and number, please."
"That's nothing to do with it. I don't want you to call, and if you dare to send a police to see——"
"What is the place and number?"
"Thirteen —— place. But I never saw anything like this in all my born——"
"Where were you born——"
"Same place, if you want to know."
"Have you an occupation?"
"Now see here. I suppose you want to know where I got this money. But I didn't steal it, if that's any satisfaction to you. Of course I——"
"What did you say your occupation is?"
"I didn't say; you didn't give me a chance. I keep the best boarding house in the town; meats three times day, and——"
"Please sign your name on this line."
"Sign my name? Don't you believe me? I never sign anything, only——"
"Very well, if you can't write, make your cross."
"Make me cross? That's just it, you make me so cross I can't. Sophronisba Katherine Simpkins. There."
"That will do. Kindly make way for the next person."
"Oh, but mister, look here. What have you got it?"
"Got what?"
"The age."
"Thirty-five."
"Does it make any difference if it ain't right?"
"It might make a serious difference."
"Oh, dear! Oh, dear, I've gone and perjured myself. But it's all your fault, you horrid man, you flustered me so. Did I say thirty-five? I didn't mean it. It's forty-five, so there."
And away she goes in a state of great indignation and perplexity.
—Burlington Hawkeye.
While traveling in Virginia some time ago with a doctor we came upon an old colored man who was standing by a mule hitched to an old two-wheel vehicle. "Dis mule am balked, boss," said the old man; "an' I'll jis gib a dollah to de man what can start 'im."
"I will do it for less than that, uncle," said the doctor. He took his case from the carriage and selected a small syringe, which he filled with morphin. He went to the side of the mule and quickly inserting the syringe in his side pushed the contents into the animal. The mule reared upon his hind legs and giving an astonishing bray started down the road at a break neck speed. The aged colored man gave a look of astonishment at the doctor, and with a loud "Whoa!" started down the road after the mule. In the course of ten minutes we came up to the old man standing in the road waiting for us. The mule was nowhere in sight.
"Say, boss," said the darky, "how much you charge for dat stuff you put in dat mule?"
"Oh, ten cents will do," laughingly replied the doctor.
"Well, boss, heah is twenty cents. Squirt some of dat stuff in me. I must ketch dat ar mule."
—Philadelphia Press.
The racy flavor of much of the recent news from the New England States shows that the cider of the vintage of 1889, which lurks in the gallon jug behind the door, is beginning to get a head on it.
—Chicago News.
This is a photo of a gentleman employed by Chief Hubbard as a
Chicago detective.
That man's policy was wiser who catching his son taking a whiff or two from a cigar, merely insisted on his finishing it, standing by him until he had done so. The succeeding two hours were never forgotten.
—Tobacco Leaf.
That the moral nature of the pig is essentially mean and selfish is proven by the fact that he is always willing and ready to "squeal" when he gets into a tight place.
—Baltimore American.
After six months' service he looks just like the rest of 'em.
—Chicago Liar.
The New York Prohibitionists have formally condemned recklessness in the conduct of the Pension Bureau. It is a good place to introduce a little temperance.
—Boston Herald.
Husband—You want a bonnet and I want a pair of trousers, and I have only got ten dollars.
Wife (sobbing)—You don't suppose I can get a bonnet for ten dollars, do you?
—Clothier and Furnisher.
Heard in an elevated car: "That man must be a saint."
"What makes you think so?"
"Because he almost broke his fingers trying to raise that window and he didn't swear at all."
—N. Y. Morning Journal.
"Yas, sah, Mr. George," said an old negro, "we got ter keep clean; we got ter keep clean, sah, or dar ain't no hope o' de salwation."
"Why, then, don't you go and wash yourself?"
"Whar—whar—what, sah? W'y doan I go wash merse'f?"
"Yes, and put on a clean shirt. You are as dirty as you can be."
"Oh, now, yere, I ain't talkin' 'bout dat sorter keepin' clean. I waz talkin' 'bout keepin' clean in the faif, sah, in de faif. I ain't got no time ter fool erlong wid de waters o' dis yere life. Whut I means is ter keep yer speret clean, washed in the dewdraps o' de New Jerusalem; means, as I tells you, dat we mus' keep clean in de faif, sah—keep clean in de faif."
—Arkansaw Traveler.
Crimsonbeak—I expect a large party here to-day.
Yeast—Indeed! Who's coming?
"My uncle."
"Who else?"
"No one else."
"But you said a large party."
"Well, my uncle weighs 350 pounds."
—Yonkers Statesman.
Mrs. Flynn relates with much pathos an incident in her life, that graphically illustrates woman's trustfulness and man's perfidy.
"Oi waz in the market wan mornin' lookin' fer some mate, an' a Dootch butcher axed me how an illegant bit av Spring lamb wad soot. Oi sed it wad do af it waz good, an he sed it waz the best in the market or he wudn't be offerin' it to a lady loike meself. Oi'm fond av Spring lamb, an so Oi took a hunk av it home an' cooked it fer me ould mon an' meself.
"May the divil take me av it tasted roight. It had a sort av a rank an romantic flavor thet Oi niver kem across afore, an' heaven help me, may Oi niver come across it again.
"Oi kept me jaw to meself, and said nathin'. After dinner the ould mon said the Spring lamb tasted kin o' quare an' he wondered had Oi cooked the baste enough. Oi said Oi had cooked the baste joost roight, an' Oi saw nathin wrong wid the taste av it.
"Whin the ould mon had gone out to wurruk, Oi tuk a luck at the chunk av mate that was left, an' phat do you tink Oi saw? A bit av the skin av the varmint, an' it had hair on it instead of wool, begorra. The thavin' Dootchman hed sold me goat instead av lamb! Bad luk to him!
"Oi coodn't affoord to lose the mate, d'ye see, an' so Oi kept me jaw to meself an' said nothin agin. Oi stewed it up wid spices and tings to disguoise the taste, an' we had it agin fer supper. Oi told the ould mon Oi didn't care fer enny Spring lamb fer supper, but it wuz very beautiful cooked up wid spices, an he needed plenty av mate now that he wuz wurkin' wid the Park Commishioners. He ate awhoile, an' thin he said the Spring lamb tasted kind o' quare, an' he thought it wuz too high-toned fer us.
"'Now, me darlint,' Oi said, 'the Spring lamb is a little high-toned, but it is none too good fer the loikes av us, an' ye moost ate hearty so ye can do good wurruk fer the Park Commishioners.'
"He said the Park Commishioners be blowed, an' he cood do good enough wurruk fer them on roast bafe, an' wad Oi git roast bafe the nixt toime?
"Oi said, 'My darlint, av coorse Oi'll git roast bafe the nixt toime, but we moost ate all the Spring lamb foorst.'
"Well, ye see it took me hoosband several days to git away wid the Spring lamb, but he foinly got trough wid the job, an' thin Oi took the bit av skin wid the hair on, phat Oi had saved as a guarantay av good faith, an' Oi wint down to the market. Oi hoonted up the beautiful Dootchman, an' sez Oi:
"'Have you enny noice mate this mornin', Dootchy?'
"'Phat koind wad you loike this mornin', Mrs. Flynn?' sez he.
"'Oi ate nothin' but the best,' sez Oi.
"'How wad a noice bit av Spring lamb soot?' sez he.
"'Tanks,' sez Oi. 'Spring lamb is a bit high-toned fer me. Oi'll take a foine large steak av ye plaze.'
"'About how large?' sez he.
"'About tin pounds,' sez Oi, 'an' a foine juicy wan, av ye plaze.'
"So Oi tuk the steak an' takin' a good grip av it, Oi slammed it around his big Dootch ears till he yelled bloody murther in fourteen languages. 'The nixt toime ye sell me goat fer Spring lamb, ye thavin' Dootchman'—an' Oi kept bastin' him around the ugly lugs—'the nixt toime ye sell me goat, Oi say, Oi'll make ye ate his whuskers.'"
—N. Y. World.
"It is a paneful sight," as the man said when his host took him out to inspect his new conservatory.
"You are a counter attraction," as the masher whispered to the pretty girl in the confectioner's shop.
"Teeth inserted without gas," as the fellow who owned a savage dog inscribed on a board outside his garden gate.
"He is suffering from organic diseases," as the doctor observed when he was called in to prescribe for a man who had been driven wild by a peripatetic piano-organ.
"She is painted by Heaven," as the enthusiastic young man exclaimed when he beheld a girl with a beautiful complexion.
"This is a sloe meeting," as one husband remarked to another at the tea fight which their wives had compelled them to attend.
—Judy.
Enthusiastic Friend—Ah, how d'do, Charlie? Gone into literature, I see. Quite a book of yours. I bought a copy yesterday.
Author (thoughtfully)—Now, if I could only find out who bought the other copy!
—N. Y. Evening Sun.
A story is told about a Kingston minister's marriage fee that causes amusement among the clergy. He was paid $1 for marrying a couple. After they departed he was about to hand the money to his wife, when the door bell was rung. The newly-married wife said she wanted a certificate. No marriage was good without one. It cost twenty-five cents for a blank that would suit her. The reverend gentleman filled the blank out in the usual form and she went away seemingly satisfied. A few days later she again appeared at the door. "Mister," said the woman in an aggrieved tone, "I looked through the papers and can't find a notice of our wedding. You ought not to treat us different from other folks." So the dominie went to a newspaper office and paid fifty cents to have a notice inserted. When he reached home he handed the remaining twenty-five cents to his wife with the remark: "Here, my dear, hurry and take this before that woman makes another call."
—Kingston Freeman.
"Mighty fine woman I saw you lifting your hat to back there, old boy."
"Yes, rather."
"Some mash of yours?"
"Yes."
"Couldn't introduce a fellow, eh?"
"Might, if you'll come up to the house some evening."
"Oh! your wife?"
"Yes."
"Pshaw! I supposed it was your cook."
—Detroit Free Press.
"Pap, did you ever hear music from a rubber band?" said Johnnie.
"No, my son, never. What in the world do you mean. Is it a lot of rubber figures that you blow up and then do they play music?"
"Naw, pap. Come out in the next room and I'll let you hear some music from a rubber band."
The old gentleman becoming interested, laid down his paper, wiped his glasses, and followed his son into the next room, where Johnnie had a rubber band stretched from one side of the wood box to the other, which he began to pick with his finger. "Now, pap, you can say that you have heard music from a rubber band."
"Yes," said the old man, "and I will be able to add that I have caused music by a leather band," and suiting the action to the word, he reached around for a strap, and before John knew it he felt as if eight million rubber bands were snapping him where his pants fit the tightest.
—Liverpool Post.
Kansas Tramp—Mister, could you do a little something to assist a poor man?
Stranger—You don't look as though you were unable to work. You ought to be ashamed of yourself to go around this way. You are a disgrace to humanity. Why don't you go down to the river and take a bath and try to earn a living?
K. T. (pathetically)—Take a bath. Ain't it enough to have to drink the stuff?
—Merchant Traveler.
The young ladies at the Delaware Water Gap had a "paint and powder party," one night recently, each maid appearing painted and powdered. There doesn't seem to have been any thing save the name to distinguish it from any other party attended by young ladies.
—Norristown Herald.
—Pick-Me-Up.
1.—On the way to be infused.
Assistant (to magazine editor)—I see this young Miss —— is making herself famous through the medium of the newspapers.
Magazine Editor—Yes—um—haven't we got a story of hers sent in four or five years ago?
Assistant—Yes, sir.
M. E.—Run it in this month and give a page editorial to "A Newly Discovered Genius."
—St. Paul Pioneer Press.
Housewife—Your impudence amazes me. I infer by your nose that——
Tramp—Ah, madam, you do me great wrong. I do not drink. My nose is simply a blush absorber.
—Detroit Free Press.
2.—TWENTY-FOUR HOURS LATER.
Doctor—Now, gentlemen, how do you feel, one at a time, please?
Darky—I feels gay, boss. Chickens better roost high to-night.
Hebrew—So help me, Abraham, I vould give a quarter for a job lot of dat stuff.
Irishman—I fale loike kicking the stoofin out of Branigan's bull pup.
Father—Mr. Sand, the grocer, tells me he discharged you for swindling him. This is a terrible disgrace to the family.
Son—I couldn't help it, father. He gave me some lead to put under the scales, and I made a mistake and put it on the wrong side.
—Life.
Uncle—Bobby, don't you hear your mother calling you?
Bobby—Yes'r.
"Well, why don't you hasten to her?"
"Why, ma has heart disease and she'd be surprised most to death if I answered the first time she called me. Besides, this game of marbles must be finished."
—Omaha World.
3.—LATER ON.
Three new recruits for the golden shore.
Long ago there was a time when Sir Walter Raleigh laid his cloak over a puddle, so that the royal Elizabeth might go on her way dry-shod.
In similar circumstances, Queen Victoria would be lucky if she could elicit from the gilded youth of the present day the languid cry of "Skip the gutter, old lady!"
—Harvard Lampoon.
The Oklahoma Snorter, in its last issue, contained the following breezy locals:
Jim Highbee has secured the beautiful lot at the corner of Bullwhacker avenue and Kill'emquick street, and has begun the erection of a tent thereon. This lot formerly belonged to Dick Skinner, but he gave it up at the same time he give up his life. Col. Jim is a good shot.
We are glad to learn that our friend Dan Bunker has at last come into possession of a choice lot. Dan killed the former claimant with his first shot. Dan is a rustler, and never does things by halves.
The report that the ten men found dead last night on Goosebristle Creek had been shot, proves a fabrication. They were the victims of congestive chills.
Wanted—Ten first-class grave diggers. Also, four or five more coffin makers. Must be willing to work twelve hours a day, but pay is large. Cophin & Son.
Subscribers must pay for this paper in advance. Life is too uncertain to take any chances.
Major Burdock, one of our gentlemanly undertakers, came up yesterday to see us. The Major is smiling, and says he never had more flattering business prospects. He is running a large corps of men day and night in order to keep up with his orders. He says he is prepared to make liberal terms with those who contemplate taking claims, if they wish to arrange in advance for burial.
There was quite a lot of freight received at the depot yesterday, consisting chiefly of coffins and guns.
Notice—We are prepared to bury boomers quicker and cheaper than any other house in the city. Send in your friends. We will take pleasure in burying them. Plantum & Co.
Real estate has changed hands rapidly the last few days. The new owners usually show their liberality by burying the former claimants.
Several Texans came in yesterday to locate claims. Our undertakers are watching the corners for a good harvest.
Food and ammunition are becoming scarce. We learn, however, that a carload of shot and powder is expected to-day.
First-class meals at all hours at Tremont hotel. Bean soup, fifty cents a dish; eggs, ten cents each (when we have them); water, five cents a glass. Call in second tent above the Snorter office.
We learn that our genial friend Dick Tucker has given up his claim and returned home. We are sorry to lose Dick, as he was one of the most cheerful and whole-hearted men among us. If he had known the claim was so worthless it is doubtful if he would have shot the man who held it down before him.
Bill Swanson was in to-day and reported that he had secured a fine claim just east of town. Of course he had to remove the man who was on it, but Bill did it neatly, and then paid the funeral expenses. There is nothing small about Bill.
—Time.
"Good evening, Neighbor Yager. What's your opinion about marriage being a failure?"
"Vell, I dinks it vas vone dem dings und it don'd vas vone dem dings. Vhen a man got him marriedt he got him marriedt; dat vas somedings sure; der don'd vhas some vailures about dot. Aber ouf him got a frau vhat vhas some dem Arisdodle's preed, vhat neffer done got dalkin', den dem marridges vas so pig failures as you marry some vomans vhat peen a brudder mit der teifel. Dot marridges vas some loddery dickets—dot vhas all luck vhat kind a frau youm gatch; shoost like dis: ouf dem vomans vas some fishes der sea in, und der vas one vone den-times goot vomans fishes derein, vhen youm a frau fishin' gone meppy youm vone dimes in a hunnert gatch vone dem goot fishes, aber not more as dot."
"Did you catch one of the good fishes, Herr Yager?"
Then Herr Yager looked back at the front windows of his residence and remarked in a kind of graveyard tone:
"I seen you lader."
—Kentucky State Journal.
—Minneapolis Tribune.
It is related that Sir Nicholas Bacon was about to pass judgment upon a man who had been guilty of robbery, at that time punishable by death; but the culprit pleaded for mercy on the ground that he was related to the judge.
"How is that?" he was asked.
"My Lord," was the reply, "your name is Bacon, mine is Hogg, and hog and bacon have always been considered akin."
"That is true," answered Sir Nicholas; "but as hog is not bacon until it has hung, until you are hanged you are no relation of mine."
—Chiel.
—Boston Courier.
Traveler (in buggy)—This is a hot day.
Old Farmer (in a potato patch)—Speakin' to me?
Traveler—This is a hot day.
Old Farmer (coming to the fence)—What did you say, mister?
Traveler—I said this is a hot day!
Old Farmer (climbing the fence and approaching the buggy)—Beg pardon, I'm a little hard o' hearin'. What is it?
Traveler—I merely said that this is a hot day.
Old Farmer—Oh, go to thunder!
—Owl.
"Martha, does thee love me?" asked a Quaker youth of one at whose shrine his heart's fondest feelings had been offered up. "Why, Seth," answered she, "we are commanded to love one another, are we not?" "Ah, Martha! but doest not thee regard me with that feeling that the world calls love?" "I hardly know what to tell thee, Seth; I have greatly feared that my heart was an erring one; I have tried to bestow my love on all; but I may have sometimes thought, perhaps, that thee was getting rather more than thy share."
"Martha, my dear," said a loving husband to his spouse, who was several years his junior, "what do you say to moving to the far West?" "Oh, I'm delighted with the idea! You recollect when Mr. Morgan moved out there he was as poor as we are; and he died in three years, leaving his widow worth a hundred thousand dollars."
"Ma," said a juvenile grammarian, when she returned from school; "ma, mayn't I take some of the currant-jelly on the sideboard?" "No," said the mother, sternly. "Well, then, ma, mayn't I take some of the ice-cream?" "No," again replied "ma." It was not long, however, before the young miss was found "diggin'" into both. "Did I not tell you," said the maternal parent, in a somewhat angry tone, "not to touch them?" "You said no twice, ma," said the precocious girl, "and the schoolmistress says that two negatives are equal to an affirmative; so I thought you meant that I should eat them."
"Mat, I want another porter." "What ales the one you have, Dick?" "He's dead." "Gone to his bier, eh?" "Hang you, Dick, your wit's always a broad-cider."
"Jack, Jack!" cried a sailor, on board a ship at sea, lately, to one of his companions.—"Hello!" replied Jack; "what is it?"—"Your brother's overboard."—"Overboard?"—"Yes."—"Blow the lubber! he has got my sea-boots and monkey-jacket on!"
Judge Rooke, in going the western circuit, had a great stone thrown at his head; but, from the circumstance of his stooping very much, it passed over him. "You see," said he to his friends, "that had I been an upright judge, I might have been killed."
"Kitty, where's the frying-pan?"—"Johnny's got it, carting mud and oyster shells up the alley, with the cat for a horse."—"The dear little fellow! what a genius he'll yet make; but go and get it. We're going to have company, and must fry some fish for dinner."
Lighting an editor's fire with rejected contributions—Burns' Justice.
Lady F—— had arrived to so extreme a degree of sensibility, that, seeing a man go by with a mutilated wheelbarrow, she cried out to her companion, "Do turn aside, it distresses me above measure to see that poor unfortunate wheelbarrow with one leg."
"La, me!" sighed Mrs. Muggins, "here have I been sufferin' the begamies of death for three mortal weeks. Fust, I was seized with a painful phrenology in the left hampshire of the brain, which was exceeded by a stoppage of the left ventilator of the heart. This gave me an inflammation in the borax, and now I'm sick with the chloroform morbus. There is no blessin' like that of health, particularly when you're sick."
"Jack," said a commercial traveller to a country joskin, "which is the way to Harlingford?" "How did you know my name was Jack?" inquired the countryman. "Why, I guessed it," replied the bagman. "Then guess your way to Harlingford," says Jack, "for I shan't tell you."
"John, what is the past of see?" "Seen, sir." "No, it is saw—recollect that." "Yes, sir. Then if a sea-fish swims by me, it becomes a saw-fish when it is past, and can't be seen." "You may go home, John."
Judge Peters, a Philadelphian and a punster, having observed to another judge on the bench that one of the witnesses had a vegetable head, "How so?" was the inquiry. "He has carroty hair, reddish cheeks, a turnup nose, and a sage look."
"John," screamed a country girl, seated by the side of her dull lover, "leave me alone!" John, astonished, cried, "Why, I ain't a-touching yer!" "No," replied she, "but you might have done—if you liked."
"Jim, why is it that a musician's strains are always heard so much less distinctly when he plays alone, than when in a band?"—"Why, I didn't know it was so—suppose it must be because he plays so-lo."
"Jack," said a gentleman to an old negro, who was rather lazily engaged in clearing the snow from his premises, "Jack, my old boy, you don't get along with this job very fast."—"Why, master," replied Jack, scratching his wool, "pretty considerable for an old man, I guess; and I conceit myself, that I can clear more snow away in dese here short days, than the spryest nigga in the city could do in the longest summer day as ever was."
Mr. Russell once asked a nigger to call him early in the morning, because he wanted to go by the first boat. "At wat time, massa?" "At half-past three o'clock." "Half-pass tree o'clock?" "Yes, sir." The nigger, after grinning, departed; but immediately reappeared, saying: "Please, massa, don't forget to ring for me at tree o'clock in the morning, and I can be sure to wake you."
"Mr. Smith, you said you once officiated in a pulpit—do you mean by that that you preached?" "No, sir; I held the light for a man what did." "Ah; the court understood you differently. They supposed that the discourse came from you." "No, sir; I only throwed a light on it." "No levity, Mr. Smith. Crier, wipe your nose, and call on the next witness."
Mrs. Hopkins told me, that she heard Green's wife say, that John Glucks told her, that Fanny Hopkins heard the Widow Busham say, that Captain Weed's wife thought Colonel Hodgkins' sisters believed, that old Miss Quint reckoned that Mrs. Samuel Dunham had told Spoldin's wife that she heard John Fink's daughter say, that her mother told her, that old Miss Jenks heard Grandmother Cook declare, that it was an undoubted fact.
"Misther! Misther! what have you done?" said a little fellow with protruding eyes, to a greenhorn, who had just tied his horse to a spruce pole, as he thought, on the street. "Done!" said the fellow, "what do you mean? I haint been doin' nothin' as I knows on!" "Why, yeth you have, thir; you've hitched your hoth to the magnetic telegraph, and you'll be in Bothton in leth than two minutes, if you don't look out!" The man untied his horse with nervous anxiety, and, jumping into his wagon, drove hastily down the street.
"I'm not afraid of a barrel of cider!" said a toper to a temperance man. "I presume not, from your appearance; I should think a barrel of cider would run at your approach," was the reply.
"I tell you, Susan, that I will commit suicide, if you won't have me."—"Well, John, as soon as you have given me that proof of your affection, I will believe that you love me."
If the speculator misses his aim, everybody cries out, "He's a fool," and sometimes "He's a rogue." If he succeeds, they besiege his door and demand his daughter in marriage.
"I'm sitting on the style, Mary," as the lover said when he seated himself on a bonnet of the latest Paris fashion.
"If you say another crooked word I'll knock your brains out," said a blacksmith to his termagant wife. "Ram's horns, you dog!" exclaimed his hopeful helpmate, "ram's horns, if I die for it!"
It is said there is a man in Connecticut who walks so fast, that it puts his shadow out of breath to keep up with him.
In the course of the Irish state trial, Mr. Whiteside quoted an extraordinary figure once used by an advocate: "I smell a rat—I see it brewing in the storm—and I will crush it in the bud!"
"I say, Pat, what are you writing there in such a large hand?" "Array, honey, an' isn't it to my poor mother, who is very deaf, that I'm writing a loud letther?"
I think it is a very foolish thing for any man to become a sleeping partner, because he may awake and find himself in the Gazette.
"Dad," said an incipient legislator to his indulgent parent, who had gratified him with a visit to the galleries of the capital, "say do you see any row going on? I don't." "No," said the astonished father, "of course not. Why did you ask?" "Cause the man in the big desk says—'the eyes have it!'—and just now he said the nose had it—so I thought there was some fun down there some'ers!"
During a learned lecture by a German adventurer, one Baron Vondullbrains, he illustrated the glory of mechanics, as a science, thus:—"De t'ing dat is made is more superior dan de maker, I shall show you how in some t'ings. Suppose I make de round wheel of de coach? Ver' well; dat wheel roll round five hundred mile!—and I cannot roll one myself! Suppose I am a cooper, what you call, and I make de big tub to hold wine? He hold tons and gallons; and I cannot hold more dan five bottle! So you see dat what is made is more superior dan de maker."
"Doctor, that ere ratsbane of yourn is fust rate," said a Yankee to a village apothecary.—"Know'd it," said the pleased vendor of drugs. "Don't keep nothing but first-rate doctor's stuff."—"And, doctor," said the joker, coolly, "I want to buy another pound of ye."—"Another pound?"—"Yes, sir; I gin that pound I bought the other day to a nibbling mouse, and it made him dreadful sick, and I am sure another pound would kill him!"
Drunken Davy, after spending his day's earnings at a grocery, set out for home. "Well," says he, "if I find my wife up, I'll kick her—what business has she to sit up, wasting fire and light, eh? And if I find her in bed, I'll kick her—what business has she to go to bed before I get home?"
Page 5, added missing period.
Page 7, changed single to double quote after "you'll have a good time."
Page 13, changed "Blatter" to "Blätter" for consistency; corrected "eat their meals" to "ate their meals."
Page 17, removed stray quote after "winnowing."
Page 28, added missing open quote to first sentence of "Certainly." Changed "Doodle" to "Doddle."
Page 33, added missing quote after "Well, what ails your town this year?"
Page 35, changed "mawrnin,'" to "mawrnin',"
Page 38, changed double quote to single quote after "Do you have to wear that when you are seeking religion?" and changed question mark to exclamation point in "Yes, Marse Thompson!"
Page 46, added missing comma after "Tennessee."
Page 66, changed comma to period after "recoiling."
Page 67, added missing period to first sentence.
Page 69, changed "its mighty risky" to "it's mighty risky."
Page 80, changed "hay mow" to "haymow" for consistency.
Page 93, changed "fonnd" to "found."
Page 94, changed "explaimed" to "explained."
Page 109, added missing quote after "dat mule."
Page 110, due to a flaw in the original book, the Chief's name in the photo caption is partially illegible. The name presented here is a best guess (there was a General Superintendant George W. Hubbard in Chicago from 1888 to 1890).
Page 114, added missing period after "sez he."
Page 122, added missing "this" to "that this is a hot day" and changed "someting" to "something."
Page 123, added missing italics around "bier."
Page 126, changed ! to ? in "do you mean by that that you preached?"
The last six pages of this book come from "The Journal of Solomon Sidesplitter," which is a whole book in its own right. It is unclear whether this is an intentional excerpt or a printer's error.
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