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Title: Our People
       From the Collection of "Mr. Punch"


Author: Charles Samuel Keene



Release Date: October 14, 2012  [eBook #41057]

Language: English

Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)


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OUR PEOPLE

Sketched by

CHARLES KEENE.

from the Collection of "Mr. Punch."







Boston,
James R. Osgood & Co.
1881.



"Our People."
Sketches from 'Punch' by
'C. K.'

Illustration


  OUR PEOPLE. AT HOME.

  OUR PEOPLE. STREET-LIFE.

  OUR PEOPLE. IN THE COUNTRY.

  OUR PEOPLE. TRAVELLING.

  OUR PEOPLE. PROFESSIONAL.

  OUR PEOPLE. OFFICIAL.

  OUR PEOPLE. IN THE ARMY.

  OUR PEOPLE. ART AND ARTISTS.

  OUR PEOPLE. VOLUNTEERS.

  OUR PEOPLE. AT BUSINESS.

  OUR PEOPLE. DOMESTICS.

  OUR PEOPLE. WORKING FOLK.

  OUR PEOPLE. IN IRELAND.

  OUR PEOPLE. IN SCOTLAND.

  &c., &c.




Illustration: Toots! theres no a Jok' i' th' 'hale beuk!


                      COMPANION to "OUR PEOPLE,"

                       ENGLISH SOCIETY AT HOME,

                         Society Pictures By

                          GEORGE DU MAURIER.

                 JAMES R. OSGOOD & Co., PUBLISHERS.




Illustration: Mens Conscia.

=Inspector= (_who notices a backwardness in History_). "WHO SIGNED MAGNA
CHARTA?" (_No answer._)

=Inspector= (_more urgently_). "WHO SIGNED MAGNA CHARTA?" (_No answer._)

=Inspector= (_angrily_). "WHO SIGNED MAGNA CHARTA!!?"

=Scapegrace= (_Thinking matters are beginning to look serious_). "PLEASE,
SIR, 'TWASN'T ME, SIR!!"

Illustration: _Dignity._

=Club "Buttons."= "I'M AT THE 'JUNIOR PENINSULAR' NOW."

=Friend.= "WHAT! DID YOU 'GET THE SACK' FROM 'THE REYNOLDS'?"

=Buttons= (_indignant_). "GO ALONG WITH YER! 'GET THE SACK!' I SENT IN MY
RESI'NATION TO THE C'MMITTEE!"

Illustration: _Family Pride._

=First Boy.= "MY FATHER'S A ORFICER." =Second Boy.= "WHAT ORFICER?" =First
Boy.= "WHY, A CORPORAL!" =Third Boy= (_evidently "comic"_). "SO'S MY
FATHER--HE'S A ORFICER, TOO--A GENERAL, HE IS!" =Fourth Boy.= "GO ALONG
WITH YER!" =Third Boy.= "SO HE IS--HE'S A _GENERAL DEALER_!!"

Illustration: _Bad Customer._

=Landlady.= "WHAT GENTLEMAN'S LUGGAGE IS THIS, SAM?"

=Ancient Waiter.= "GE'TLEMAN'S LUGGAGE, 'M! 'OR' BLESHYER, NO, MUM! THAT'S
_ARTIS'S TRAPS_, THAT IS. THEY'LL 'AVE TEA HERE TO-NIGHT, TAKE A LITTLE
LODGIN' TO-MORROW, AND THERE THEY'LL BE A LOAFIN ABOUT THE PLACE FOR
MONTHS, DOIN' NO GOOD TO NOBODY!"

Illustration: "_March of Refinement._"

=Brown= (_behind the Age, but hungry_). "GIVE ME THE BILL OF FARE,
WAITER."

=Head Waiter.= "BEG PARDON, SIR?"

=Brown.= "THE BILL OF FARE."

=Head Waiter.= "THE WHAT, SIR? O!--AH!--YES!"--(_to
Subordinate_)--"CHAWLES, BRING THIS--THIS--A--GEN'LEMAN--THE _MENOO_!!"

Illustration: _Refrigerated Tourists._

=Provincial Waiter.= "ICE! GENTLEMEN! THERE AIN'T NO ICE IN AUTUMN TIME.
BUT IT'S EASY TO SEE YOU ARE GENTS FROM LONDON, AS DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT
NATURE, AND I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR IT, IN COURSE. BUT, ICE IN AUGUST!"
_Exit, sniggering._

Illustration: Intelligent Pet.

"MA, DEAR, WHAT DO THEY PLAY THE ORGAN SO LOUD FOR, WHEN 'CHURCH' IS
OVER? IS IT TO WAKE US UP?"

Illustration: "Durance."

=Little Daughter.= "WON'T THEY LET US OUT WITHOUT PAYING, MA'?"

Illustration: _The Mystery Solved._

=Effie= (_our Parson's little daughter: her first experience of "Church."
Aloud--with intense surprise_). "PA AND ALL THE DEAR LITTLE BOYS, IN
THEIR NIGHTGOWNS, GOING TO BYE-BYE!!"

Illustration: _A Pledged M. P._

=M. P.'s Bride= "OH! WILLIAM, DEAR--IF YOU ARE--A LIBERAL--DO BRING IN A
BILL--NEXT SESSION--FOR THAT UNDERGROUND TUNNEL!!"

Illustration: "_Perils of the Deep._"

=Unprotected Female= (_awaking old Gent., who is not very well_). "O,
MISTER, WOULD YOU FIND THE CAPTAIN? I'M SURE WE'RE IN DANGER! I'VE BEEN
WATCHING THE MAN AT THE WHEEL; HE KEEPS TURNING IT ROUND FIRST ONE WAY
AND THEN THE OTHER, AND EVIDENTLY DOESN'T KNOW HIS OWN MIND!!"

Illustration: "_The Pink of Fashion._"

"OUR FLOWER SHOW WAS A DECIDED SUCCESS THIS YEAR, AND LITTLE FIDKINS IN
AN EMBROIDERED FLORAL WAISTCOAT WAS KILLING!"

Illustration: _The Bird Show._

=That Charming Gal= _with the blue feather_ (_to Prize Canary_). "SWEETY,
DEAR!"

=Comic Man= (_"Dolcissimo con Brio," from the other side of the
pedestal_). "YES, DUCKY!"

_Utterly ruining the hopes, and taking the wind out o' the sails of his
tall friend (serious man), who had been spoonying about her all the
afternoon, and thought he had made an impression!_

Illustration: "_Trying._"

=Happy Swain= (_she has "named the day"_). "AND NOW, DEAREST EDITH, THAT
IS ALL SETTLED. WITH REGARD TO JEWELLERY, MY LOVE; WOULD YOU LIKE A SET
IN PLAIN GOLD, OR----"

=Edith= (_economical and courageous, and who suffers a good
deal from toothache_). "OH, AUGUSTUS, NOW YOU ASK ME--DO YOU
KNOW--I--REALLY--BUT--MR. CLINCH TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT HE COULD EXTRACT
ALL I HAVE, AND PUT IN A BEAUTIFUL NEW SET FOR ONLY FIFTEEN GUINEAS!!"

Illustration: Common Prudence.

=Snob.= "OH, LET'S GET OUT O' THIS MOB, 'ARRY! THEY'LL THINK WE'RE A GOIN'
TO _CHURCH_!"

Illustration: The Triumphs of Temper.

=Fare= (_out of patience at the fourth "jib" in a Mile_). "HI, THIS WON'T
DO! I SHALL GET OUT!"

=Cabby= (_through the trap, in a whisper_). "AH THIN, SOR, NIVER MIND HER!
SIT STILL! DON'T GIVE HER THE SATISFACTION AV KNOWIN' SHE'S GOT RID AV
YE!!"

Illustration: "For Better for Worse."

_Our friend Bagnidge (hasn't a rap) has just married the widow (rich) of
old Harlesden the stockbroker._

=Mrs. B.= (_Retiring_). "SHALL I SEND MY POPPET HIS SLIPPERS?"

=Mr. B.= "N-N-N-N-O--NOT AT PRESENT, THANKS!" (_Sotto voce to his guest
when the door was closed._) "NOT SO FOND OF HAVING THE MUZZLES ON MY
FEET AT EIGHT O'CLOCK IN THE EVENING, YOU KNOW, BARNEY!!"

Illustration: A Half Truth.

=Guard= (_of the Fatuous Railway Company, that still forbids tobacco_).
"STRONG SMELL OF SMOKE, SIR!"

=Passenger= (_his cigar covered by his newspaper_). "YA-AS; THE PARTY WHO
HAS JUST GOT OUT HAS BEEN SMOKING FURIOUSLY!!"

Illustration: Poor Humanity!

=Bride.= "I THINK--GEORGE, DEAR--I SHOULD--BE BETTER--IF WE WALKED
ABOUT----"

=Husband= (_one wouldn't have believed it of him_). "YOU CAN DO AS YOU
LIKE, LOVE. I'M VERY WELL(!) AS I AM!!"

Illustration: _Family Ties._

(_Respec'fully dedicated to Mr. Punch's excellent friends at the
Egyptian Hall--M. and C._)

=Aunt.= "GRACIOUS GOODNESS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CUPBOARD, YOU NAUGHTY
BOYS?"

=Jacky.= "OH, AUNT, WE'RE PLAYING 'MASCULINE AND COOK'! I TIE HIM TO THE
CHAIR, AND WHEN THE DOOR'S OPENED HIS HANDS ARE FREE. THEN HE DOES
ME!!"

Illustration: "_Prevention Better than Cure._"

=Jeames= (_excitedly_). "HERE--HERE--HERE'S THE SHILLIN'!
QUICK--QUICK--OFF WITH YOU!"

=German Impostor= (_affecting concern_). "DERE IS SOME VUN ILL?"

=Jeames.= "WELL, NOT JUST YET! BUT THERE PRECIOUS SOON WILL BE, IF YOU
DON'T KNOCK OFF!"

Illustration: The Roll-Call.

=Sergeant.= "ALISTER MCALISTER!"

=Answer.= "HAMISHO!"

=Sergeant.= "DONAL' MCBEAN!"

=Answer.= "HAMISHO!"

=Sergeant.= "PETER MCKAY!"

ANSWER. "HAMISHO!"

=Sergeant.= "JOHN SMITH!"

=Answer.= "HERE, SIR!"

=Sergeant= (_with a Sniff_). "UGH! 'ENGLISH POCK-PUDDING'"!!

Illustration: _Gentility in Greens._

(_Mrs. Brown finds Sandymouth a very different place from what she
remembers it years ago!_)

=Greengrocer.= "CABBAGE, MUM!? WE DON'T KEEP NO SECOND-CLASS VEGETABLES,
MUM. YOU'LL GET IT AT THE LOWER END O' THE TOWN!"

Illustration: _Plain to Demonstration._

=Customer= (_nervously_). "AH! THEY MUST BE VERY IRKSOME AT FIRST."

=Dentist= (_exultantly_). "NOT A BIT OF IT, SIR! LOOK HERE, SIR!"
(_Dexterously catching his entire set._) "HERE'S MY UPPERS, AND HERE'S
MY UNDERS!"

Illustration: Unprejudiced!

=Swell= (_at the R. A. Exhibition_). "Haw! 've you any Idea--w what
Fellaw's Pictu-ars we're to Admi-are this Ye-ar!!!?"

Illustration: A Kind Son.

=Paterfamilias= (_to his Eldest Son, who is at Bartholomew's_). "GEORGE,
THESE ARE UNCOMMONLY GOOD CIGARS! I CAN'T AFFORD TO SMOKE SUCH EXPENSIVE
CIGARS AS THESE."

=George= (_grandly_). "FILL YOUR CASE--FILL YOUR CASE, GOV'NER!!"

Illustration: Crass Ignorance.

=First Swell.= "LET'S SEE--TO-MORROW'S----WHAT'S T'DAY, BYTH'BY?"

=Second Swell.= "TUESDAY, ISN'T IT?--OR MONDAY?--WAS YEST'DAY SUNDAY? NE'
MIND--(_yawns_)--MY MAN'LL BE HERE PWESENTLY--PWECIOUS SHWEWD
FELLOW--'TELL US LIKE A SHOT!!"

Illustration: A Change in the Weather.

=Paterfamilias= (_with a sigh: his family have been to Boulogne for the
holidays_). "IT'S ALL UP!"

=Bachelor Friend= (_who has enjoyed these little Dinners_). "WHAT'S THE
MATTER?"

=Paterfamilias.= "TELEGRAM! SHE SAYS THEY'VE ARRIVED SAFE AT FOLKESTONE,
AND WILL BE HOME ABOUT 10.30!"

Illustration: "Res Angustae Domi."

=Family Man.= "WHERE DO YOU GO THIS YEAR, JINNINGS?"

=Bachelor= (_in a sketchy manner_). "OH--BADEN FOR A FEW WEEKS, AND THE
WHINE, BELGIUM--P'WAPS GET AS FAR'S VIENNAH! WHERE 'YOU OFF TO?"

=Family Man.= "OH, I SUPPOSE I SHALL TAKE THE OLD WOMAN DOWN TO
WORTHING--AS USUAL!"

_And he says this in anything but a sprightly manner--which was weak
and injudicious._

Illustration: _Irish Ingenuity._

=Saxon Tourist.= "WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU LOWERING THE SHAFTS FOR?" (_He has
just found out that this manoeuvre is gone through at every ascent._)

=Car-Driver.= "SHURE, YER 'ONNER, WE'LL MAKE 'M B'LAVE HE'S GOIN' DOWN
HILL!"

Illustration: _Scrupulous._

=Shepherd.= "O, JIMS, MUN! CAN YE NO GIE A WHUSTLE ON THA RAM'LIN' BRUTE
O' MINE? I DAURNA MYSEL'; IT'S JUST FAST-DAY IN OOR PARISH!!"

Illustration: A Game Two can Play at.

=Guard= (_to Excited Passenger at the Edinburgh Station, just as the Train
is Starting_). "YE'RE TOO LATE, SIR. YE CANNA ENTER."

=Stalwart Aberdonian.= "A' MAUN!"

=Guard= (_holding him back_). "YE CANNA!"

=Aberdonian.= "TELL YE A' MAUN--A' WEEL!" (_Gripping Guard._) "IF A'
MAUNNA, YE SANNA!!!"

Illustration: Decimals on Deck.

=Irish Mate.= "HOW MANNY IV YE DOWN THER-RE?!"

=Voice from the Hold.= "THREE, SOR!"

=Mate.= "THIN HALF IV YE COME UP HERE IMMADIATELY!!"

Illustration: More "Revenge for the Union."

=Saxon Tourist= (_at Irish Railway Station_). "WHAT TIME DOES THE
HALF-PAST ELEVEN TRAIN START, PADDY?"

=Porter.= "AT THRUTTY MINUTES TO TWILVE--SHARRUP, SOR!"

_Tourist retires up, discomfited._

Illustration: _The Ulster._

=Schoolboy= (_to Brown, in his new great-coat_). "YAH! COME OUT OF IT!
D'YOU THINK I DON'T SEE YER!!"

Illustration: "_Silence is Golden._"

=Chatty Old Gent.= "HAVE YOU LONG HOURS, HE-AR, PORTAR?"

=Railway Porter= (_whose Temper has been spoilt_). "SAME AS ANYWHERES
ELSE, I S'POSE--SIXTY MINUTES!"----(_Bell rings, Railway Porter touches
up Old Gent's favourite corn, and rushes off!_)

=Old Gent.= "PH--O--O--O--O--!"

Illustration: _Barometrical._

=Draper.= "LIGHT SUMMER DRESS? YES, M'M. SOLD A GREAT MANY THE LAST FEW
DAYS, M'M, THE WEATHER HAVIN' RISEN FROM A FRENCH MERINO TO A
GRENADINE!"

Illustration: _A Family Man._

=Cabby.= "VY, I'M A FATHER OF A FAM'LY MYSELF, MUM,--NOT SO 'ANDSOME AS
YOUR LITTLE DEARS, MUM, I DON'T SAY,--AN' D'YOU THINK I'D GO FOR TO
OVERCHARGE FOR 'EM? NOT I, MUM! NOT A SIXPENCE, BLESS THEIR LITTLE
'EARTS!" &c., &c.

_Claim allowed._

Illustration: _Unconscionable._

=Head of the Firm.= "WANT A HOLIDAY!? WHY, YOU'VE JUST BEEN AT HOME ILL
FOR A MONTH!"

Illustration: _A Narcotic._

=Doctor.= "LOOK HERE, MRS. MCCAWDLE. DON'T GIVE HIM ANY MORE PHYSIC. A
SOUND SLEEP WILL DO HIM MORE GOOD THAN ANYTHING."

=Gudewife.= "E-H, DOCTHOR, IF WE COULD ONLY GET HIM TAE THE KIRK!!"

Illustration: The Connoisseur.

=Host= (_smacking his lips_). "THERE, MY BOY, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? I
THOUGHT I'D GIVE YOU A TREAT. THAT'S '34 PORT, SIR!"

=Guest.= "AH! AND A VERY NICE, SOUND WINE, I SHOULD SAY! I BELIEVE IT'S
QUITE AS GOOD AS SOME I GAVE 37S. FOR THE OTHER DAY."

Illustration: Awful Warning!

=Guest= (_at City Company Dinner._) "I'M UNCOMMONLY HUNGRY!"

=Ancient Liveryman= (_with feeling_). "TAKE CARE, MY DEAR SIR, FOR
GOODNESS' SAKE, TAKE CARE! D'YOU KNOW IT HAPPENED TO ME AT THE LAST LORD
MAYOR'S DINNER TO BURN MY TONGUE WITH MY FIRST SPOONFUL OF CLEAR TURTLE;
'CONSEQUENCE WAS--(_sighs_)--'COULDN'T TASTE AT ALL--ANYTHING--FOR THE
REST OF THE EVENING!!"

Illustration: _The Sausage Machine._

=Cook= (_in a fluster_). "O 'F Y' PLEASE, 'M, NO WONDER THE FLAVIOUR O'
THEM SASSENGERS WASN'T TO-RIGHTS, 'M, WHICH I'VE JEST NOW KETCHED MASTER
ALFRED A CUTTIN' HIS 'CAVENDISH' IN THE MACHINE!"

Illustration: Just in Time.

=Veteran Piscator.= "HECH! BUT YON'S A MUCKLE FESH LOUPIN' AHINT
ME!"----(_It was lucky he looked round!--his Friend from London had
preferred Sketching on the Banks, had stumbled over a Boulder, and "Gone
a Header" into a deep hole. He was gaffed at his last kick!_)

Illustration: _Words and Weights._

=Angler.= "DEUCED ODD, DONALD, I CAN'T GET A FISH OVER SEVEN POUNDS, WHEN
THEY SAY MAJOR GRANT ABOVE US KILLED HALF A DOZEN LAST WEEK THAT TURNED
TWENTY POUNDS APIECE!"

=Donald.= "AWEEL, SIR, IT'S NO THAT MUCKLE ODDS I'TH' SAWMON,--BUT THAE
FOWK UP THE WATTER IS BIGGER LEEARS THAN WE ARE DOON HERE!"

Illustration: "_Mal Apropos._"

=Rector's Wife.= "WELL, VENABLES, HOW DO YOU THINK WE SOLD THE JERSEY
COW?"

=Venables.= (_Factotum and Gardener_) "WELL, M'M, MASTER BYLES HAS GOT THE
BETTER O' WE A MANY TIMES, BUT--(_proudly_)--I THINK AS WE A' DONE HE
TO-RIGHTS THIS TURN!!" "_So awkward! and before the Archdeacon, too!_"

Illustration: "_A Slip o' the Tongue._"

=Yachting Biped.= "THEN YOU'LL LOOK US UP AT PRIMROSE 'ILL?"

=New Acquaintance= (_gentlemanly man_). "OH, YES--NEAR THE 'ZOO,' ISN'T
IT? WE OFTEN DROP IN AND HAVE A LOOK AT THE MONKEYS!"

Illustration: _Confession in Confusion._

=Priest.= "NOW, TELL ME, DOOLAN, TRUTHFULLY, HOW OFTEN DO YOU GO TO
CHAPEL?"

=Pat.= "WILL, NOW, SHURE OI'LL TILL YER RIV'RENCE THE TRUT'. FAIX, I GO AS
OFTEN I CAN AVOID!"

Illustration: _The New Running Drill._

(_A respectful appeal to His Royal Highness the Commander-in-Chief._)

CAPTAIN BLUARD, AS HE APPEARED IN COMMAND OF HIS COMPANY.

Illustration: _Our Military Manoeuvres._

=Irish Drill-Sergeant= (_to Squad of Militiamen_). "PR'S'NT
'RRMS!"--(_Astonishing result._)--"HIV'NS! WHAT A 'PRISINT'! JIST STIP
OUT HERE NOW, AN' LOOK AT YERSILVES!!"

Illustration: The Race not yet Extinct.

=Country Excursionist= (_just landed at G. W. Terminus_). "COULD YOU
INFORM ME WHAT THESE 'ERE BUSSES CHARGE FROM PADDINGTON TO THE BANK?"

=Dundreary= (_with an effort_). "AU-H, PO' M'SOUL, HAVEN'T AN IDEA-H!
NEVER WODE 'N ONE IN M'LIFE! SHOULD SAY A MERE TWIFLE! P'WAPS A
SHILLING, OR TWO SHILLINGS. 'DON'T THINK THE WASCALS COULD HAVE THE
CONSCIENCE TO CHARGE YOU MORE THAN THWEE SHILLINGS! 'WOULDN'T PAY MORE
THAN FOUR! I'D SEE 'EM AT THE D-D-DOO-OOCE!"

Illustration: _A Dilemma._

=Party= (_overcome by the heat of the Weather_). "HOY! CAB!"

=Driver.= "ALL RIGHT, SIR, IF YOU'LL JUST WALK TO THE GATE."

=Party.= "O, BOTHER! WALKING TO 'GATE!"

=Driver.= "WELL, SIR, IF YOU CAN'T GET THROUGH, I DON'T SEE HOW I CAN GET
OVER!"

Illustration: Adjustment.

=Bootmaker= (_who has a deal of trouble with this Customer_). "I THINK,
SIR, IF YOU WERE TO CUT YOUR CORNS, I COULD MORE EASILY FIND YOU A
PAIR----"

=Choleric Old Gentleman=. "CUT MY CORNS, SIR!--I ASK YOU TO FIT ME A PAIR
O' BOOTS TO MY FEET, SIR!--I'M NOT GOING TO PLANE MY FEET DOWN TO FIT
YOUR BOOTS!!!"

Illustration: A Mine of Speculation.

=Dealer= (_to Wavering Customer_). "WELL, OF COURSE WE ALL KNOW THAT--HE'S
GOT 'IS BAD POINTS AN' 'IS GOOD POINTS; BUT WHAT I SAY IS, THERE'S NO
DECEPTION ABOUT 'IS BAD POINTS--WE CAN SEE 'EM. BUT WE CAN'T NONE OF US
TELL 'OW MANY GOOD POINTS HE MAY 'AVE TILL WE COMES TO KNOW 'IM!!" _The
"Party" took time to consider._

Illustration: "Argumentum ad Hominem!"

=Dealer.= "I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE HIS 'EAD, AND I ALLOW HE AIN'T GOT A
PURTY 'EAD; BUT LOR'--NOW LOOK AT GLADSTONE, THE CLEVEREST MAN IN ALL
ENGLAND!--AND LOOK AT 'IS 'EAD"!!!

Illustration: Veneration.

=Lodger.= "I SHALL NOT DINE AT HOME TO-DAY, MA'AM, BUT I'VE A FRIEND
COMING THIS EVENING. IF YOU COULD GIVE US SOMETHING NICE FOR SUPPER----"

=Landlady= (_Low Church_). "WOULD YOU LIKE THE REMAINDER OF THE COLD
TURKEY--AH ('_feels a delicacy_')--HEM! _BEELZE-BUBBED_, SIR?"

Illustration: A Soft Answer.

=Irascible Old Gent.= "WAITER! THIS PLATE IS QUITE COLD!"

=Waiter.= "YESSIR, BUT THE CHOP IS 'OT, SIR, WHICH I THINK YOU'LL FIND
IT'LL WARM UP THE PLATE NICELY, SIR!"

Illustration: Seasonable Luxury.

=Old Gent= (_disgusted_). "HECK, WAITER! HERE'S A--HERE'S
A--A--CATERPILLAR IN THIS CHOP!"

=Waiter= (_flippantly_). "YESSIR. ABOUT THE TIME O' YEAR FOR 'EM JUST NOW,
SIR!"

Illustration: Education!

=Papa= (_improving the occasion at Luncheon_). "NOW, LOOK, HARRY, THE
CIRCUMFERENCE OF THIS CAKE IS EQUAL TO ABOUT THREE TIMES THE DIAMETER,
AND----"

=Harry.= "OH, THEN, PA', LET ME HAVE THE C'CUMF'RENCE FOR MY SHARE!!"

Illustration: Cricket!

=Uncle.= "WELL, TOM, AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE IN CRICKET THIS HALF?"

=Tom.= "OH, BLESS YOU, UNCLE, WE'VE BEEN 'NOWHERE,' THIS SEASON; ALL OUR
BEST 'MEN,' YOU KNOW, WERE DOWN WITH THE _MEASLES_!"

Illustration: Treacherous Confederate.

=Uncle George= (_who has been amusing the Young People with some clever
Conjuring_). "NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU SAW ME BURN THE
HANDKERCHIEF.--WOULD YOU BE SURPRISED TO FIND--(_Roars of Laughter_)--I
SHALL PRODUCE THE ORANGE OUR YOUNG FRIEND HERE WAS SO OBLIGING AS TO
OFFER TO TAKE CARE OF, AND INSIDE WHICH, I'VE NO DOUBT, WE SHALL FIND
THE SHILLING?!"

Illustration: Breaking the Ice.

=Sprightly Lady.= "MR. DORMERS, WOULD YOU OBLIGE ME WITH----"

=Bashful Curate= (_who had scarcely spoken to his Fair Neighbour_). "O,
CERTAINLY. WHAT SHALL I HAVE THE PLEASURE TO OFFER?----"

=Lady.= "----A REMARK!!"

Illustration: The First Sermon.

=Aunt.= "WELL, DAISY, HOW DID YOU LIKE 'CHURCH' YESTERDAY?"

=Daisy.= "O, AUNTY, THEY WERE ALL SO QUIET AND LOOKED SO CROSS, I THOUGHT
I MUST 'A' SCREAMED!!"

Illustration: "Sweet is Revenge, Especially to Women!"

CAPTAIN OGLEBY, WHO ANNOYS THE MISS LANKYSTERS SO MUCH ON THE PROMENADE
BY HIS OBTRUSIVE ADMIRATION, IS DISCOVERED EARLY ONE MORNING, BY HIS
EXULTANT VICTIMS, IN THE ACT OF HAVING AN "EASY SHAVE" IN THE SOMEWHAT
LIMITED PREMISES OF THE VILLAGE FIGARO.

Illustration: Desperate Case!

=M. A.= (_endeavouring to instil Euclid into the mind of Private Pupil
going into the Army_). "NOW, IF THE THREE SIDES OF THIS TRIANGLE ARE ALL
EQUAL, WHAT WILL HAPPEN?"

=Pupil= (_confidently_). "WELL, SIR, I SHOULD SAY THE FOURTH WOULD BE
EQUAL, TOO!!"

Illustration: Exchange!

=Togswell= (_in the Washing Room at the Office, proceeding to dress for
the De Browney's Dinner-Party_). "HULLO! WHAT THE DOOCE"--(_Pulling out,
in dismay, from black bag, a pair of blue flannel Tights, a pink striped
Jersey, and a spiked canvas Shoe._)--"CONFOUND IT! YES!--I MUST HAVE
TAKEN THAT FELLOW'S BAG WHO SAID HE WAS GOING TO THE ATHLETIC SPORTS
THIS AFTERNOON, AND HE'S GOT MINE WITH MY DRESS CLOTHES!!"

Illustration: _A Degenerate Son._

=The Governor= (_indignantly_). "GEORGE, I'M SURPRISED AT YOU! I SHOULD
HAVE THOUGHT YOU KNEW BETTER! IT'S DISGRACEFUL! IS IT FOR THIS I'VE PAID
HUNDREDS OF POUNDS TO GIVE YOU AN UNIVERSITY EDUCATION, THAT YOU
SHOULD----"

=Son and Heir= (_with cigar_). "WHY--WHAT HAVE I DONE, GOVERNOR?"

=The Governor.= "DONE? DARED TO SMOKE, SIR, WHILE YOU ARE _DRINKING MY '34
PORT_!!"

Illustration: _Lucid!_

=Irish Sergeant= (_to Squad at Judging-Distance Drill_). "NOW, YE'LL PAY
THE GREATEST OF ATTINTION TO THE MAN AT EIGHT HUNDRED YAR-RDS: BECASE,
IF YE CAN'T SEE 'M, YE'LL BE DECEIVED IN HIS 'APPARANCE!!"

Illustration: _The Riding Lesson._

=Riding Master= (_to Sub, who is qualifying himself for the Punjaub
Cavalry_). "IF YER 'EAD WAS ONLY TURNED THE OTHER WAY, WHAT A SPLENDID
CHEST YOU'D 'AVE, MR. BOWDRIB!"

Illustration: _Look before you Leap._

=Middle-Aged Uncle.= "NOT PROPOSED TO HER YET! WHY, WHAT A
SHILLY-SHALLYING FELLOW YOU ARE, GEORGE! YOU'LL HAVE THAT LITTLE WIDOW
SNAPPED UP FROM UNDER YOUR NOSE, AS SURE AS YOU'RE BORN! PRETTY GAL LIKE
THAT--NICE LITTLE PROPERTY--EVIDENTLY LIKES YOU--WITH AN ESTATE IN THE
HIGHLANDS, TOO, AND YOU A SPORTING MAN----"

=Nephew.= "AH! THAT'S WHERE IT IS, UNCLE! HER FISHING'S GOOD, I KNOW; BUT
I'M NOT SO SURE ABOUT HER _GROUSE_!"

Illustration: _No Mistake, this Time._

=Lodger.= "DEAR ME, MRS. CRIBBLES, YOUR CAT'S BEEN AT THIS MUTTON AGAIN!"

=Landlady.= "OH NO, MUM, IT CAN'T BE THE CAT. MY 'USBAND SAYS HE B'LIEVES
IT'S THE COLLERLARDA BEETLE!"

Illustration: _State o' Trade._

=Small Girl.= "PLEASE, MRS. GREENSTOUGH, MOTHER SAYS WILL YOU GIVE HER A
LETTUCE?"

=Mrs. G.= "GIVE?! TELL THEE MOTHER GIV'UM'S DEAD, AND LENDUM'S VERY BAD.
NOTHINK FOR NOTHINK 'ERE, AND PRECIOUS LITTLE FOR SIX-PENCE!!"

Illustration: "Let Well Alone!"

=Swell.= "AH--WHAT'S YOUR FARE TO HAMPSTEAD BY THE--AH--NEW LAW?!"

=Cabby.= "OH, I DON'T KNOW NOTHIN' 'BOUT NO NEW LAWS, SIR!--SAME OLD FARE,
SIR--'LEAVE IT TO YOU,' SIR!"

Illustration: "_Le Jeu ne Vaut pas la Chandelle._"

=Old Gent= (_having had to pay twice_). "BUT I'M POSITIVE I HANDED YOU THE
MONEY! IT MAY PROBABLY HAVE DROPPED DOWN THE SLIT IN THE DOOR!"

=Conductor.= "SLIT IN THE DOOR!--WELL, 'TAIN'T LIKELY I'M GOIN' TO TURN
THE BUS UPSIDE-DOWN FOR SIXPENCE!"

Illustration: "Tho' Lost to Sight----"

=Aunt Jemima= (_from the country--her first experience of a "Hansom"_).
"HOY! HOY! STOP THE HORSE! WHERE'S THE COACHMAN!"

Illustration: Precise.

=Driver= (_impatient_). "NOW, BILL, WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT?"

=Conductor.= "GE'TLEMAN WANTS TO BE PUT DOWN AT NO. 20 A IN CLARINGDON
SQUARE, FUST PORTICO ON THE RIGHT AFTER YOU PASS THE 'RED LION,' PRIVATE
ENTRANCE ROUND THE CORNER!"

=Driver.= "O, CERTAINLY! ASK THE GE'TLEMAN IF WE SHALL DRIVE UP-STAIRS,
AN' SET 'IM DOWN AT 'IS BED-ROOM DOOR IN THE THREE-PAIR BACK?"

Illustration: _An Extensive Order._

"O, PLEASE, MISS, WILL YOU GIVE US TWO 'A'PENNIES FOR A PENNY, AND GI'
ME A DRINK O' WATER, AN' TELL US THE RIGHT TIME? AN' FATHER WANTS A
PIPE; AND LEND MOTHER YESTERDAY'S _'TIZER_."!!!

Illustration: "_No such Luck._"

=Young Lady.= "IS IT HUNGRY, THEN? COME ALONG, LITTLE DARLING, IT SHALL
HAVE ITS DINNER."

=Street-Sweeper= (_overhearing, and misapplying_). "HERE Y'ARE, MISS!
RIGHT YOU ARE! I JEST AM!" _Ah! but it was Fido she was speaking to!_

Illustration: "_'Tis Better not to Know._"

=Impudent Boy= (_generally_). "TRY YER WEIGHT--ONLY A PENNY!" (_To Lady of
commanding proportions in particular._) "TELL YER 'XACT WEIGHT TO A
HOUNCE, MUM!"

Illustration: _Vested Interests._

=Sweeper.= "IF YOU DON'T GET OFF MY CROSSIN', I'LL 'EV YOUR NUMBER!"

Illustration: "_Chaff._"

=Apple-Stall Keeper= (_to the Boys_). "NOW, THEN, WHAT ARE YOU GAPING AT?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

=Street Boy.= "NOTHIN'."

=Apple-Stall Keeper.= "THEN TAKE IT, AND BE OFF!"

=Street Boy.= "VERY WELL: WRAP IT UP FOR US IN A PIECE O' PAPER!"

_Bolts._

Illustration: "_Is It Possible?!_"

=Swell= (_lecturing Juvenile Member of Manufacturing Centre_). "YOU SHOULD
ALWAYS--AH--TOUCH YOUR HAT TO A GENTLEMAN----"

=Factory Lad.= "PLEASE, SIR, I DIDN'T KNOW AS YER WAS ONE!!"

Illustration: A Panic in the Kitchen.

=Facetious Page.= "NOW, THEN, HERE'S THE CENSUS, AND MASTER'S ORDERED ME
TO FILL IT UP. I'VE PUT DOWN YOUR AGES WITHIN A YEAR OR SO, AND YOU'RE
TO 'RETURN' YOUR FOLLERERS, IF ANY, HOW MANY, AND STATE 'P'LICE OR
MILITARY,' FEES AND TIPS FROM TRADESMEN AND WISITORS 'PER ANN.,' PRICE
O' KITCHEN-STUFF, AVERAGE O' BREAKAGES, &C., &C."

Illustration: _Proof Positive._

=Mistress.= "YOUR CHARACTER IS SATISFACTORY, BUT I'M VERY PARTICULAR ABOUT
ONE THING: I WISH MY SERVANTS TO HAVE PLENTY, BUT I DON'T ALLOW ANY
WASTE."

=Page.= "OH, NO, 'M, WHICH I'D EAT AND DRINK TILL I BUSTED, 'M, RATHER
THAN WASTE ANYTHINK, 'M!!"

Illustration: "_Qualifications._"

=Painter= (_who has always been ambitious of "writing himself down an
R. A._"). "THINK THEY MIGHT HAVE ELECTED ME, HAVING EXHIBITED AND HAD MY
NAME DOWN ALL THESE YEARS! I MIGHT HAVE----"

=Friend= (_Man o' the World_). "MY DEAR FELLOW, I'VE ALWAYS TOLD YOU, YOU
DON'T GO THE RIGHT WAY TO WORK. YOU SEE THEY COULD ONLY ELECT YOU FOR
YOUR PAINTING, FOR----WHY DO YOU WEAR SUCH THICK BOOTS?!!"

Illustration: _Temptation._

=Painter.= "YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY YOU WANT ME TO SIGN IT, WHEN I TELL YOU
I DID NOT PAINT IT? AND A BEASTLY COPY IT IS, TOO!"

=Picture-Dealer.= "VY NOT, GOOT SIR? VY NOT? TUT! TUT! TUT! I ONLY VISH
YOU ARTIS'S VOS MEN OF BIS'NESS!"

Illustration: "_Spoiling It._"

=Lord Dabbley.= "WA-AL, STREAKY, WHY I'VE HEARD--AH--YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO--(_yawns_)--HAVE A PICT-YAR AT THE EXHIBITION!"

=Streaky, R. A.= "HAW, VERY PROBABLY NOT, M'LORD. WELL, I THINK IT
ONLY--AH--GRACEFUL, M'LORD, WE SHOULD OCCASIONALLY FOREGO OUR PRIVILEGED
SPACE FOR THE SAKE OF OUR YOUNGER PAINTERS--AH! BESIDES--I QUESTION IF I
SHALL BE ABLE TO FINISH MY PUBLIC PORTRAITS IN TIME THIS YE-AR!"

Illustration: "_Particular!_"

=Young Mumford= (_airily, having learnt that the Lady comes from his part
of the country_). "DESSAY YOU KNOW THE CADGEBYS OF BILCHESTER?--AWFULLY
JOLLY PEOPLE! I----"

=Haughty Beauty.= "OH NO, WE ONLY VISIT THE COUNTY FAMILIES AND WE _WEED_
THEM!!"

_Her partner wishes this "First Set" was "The Lancers."_

Illustration: _Vivifying Treatment of a Partner._

(_A Tragedy of the last Harrogate Season._)

=Young Lady= (_to Partner, instantly on their taking their Places_).
"NOW----I'VE BEEN TO FOUNTAINS ABBEY, AND TO BOLTON, AND I'VE SEEN THE
BRIMHAM ROCKS, AND THE DROPPING WELL, AND THE VIEW FROM THE OBSERVATORY,
AND WE HAD A MORNING IN YORK MINSTER, AND WE HAVE BEEN HERE A FORTNIGHT,
AND WE ARE GOING TO STAY ANOTHER, AND PAPA TAKES THE CHALYBEATE WATERS,
AND I AM VERY GLAD THE CAVALRY ARE COMING. NOW YOU MAY BEGIN
CONVERSATION."

_Utter Collapse of Partner._

Illustration: _Arbiter Elegantiarum._

=Housemaid.= "OH, PLEASE, 'M, COULD I GO OUT THIS EVENING? 'CAUSE COOK
NEX' DOOR'S GOT A 'LANG'AGE O' FLOWERS BEE,' AND SHE_'s_ REQUESTED ME TO
BE ONE O' THE JUDGES!"

Illustration: "_The Servants._"

=Cook.= "THEN, SHALL YOU GO AS 'OUSEMAID?"

=Young Person.= "NO, INDEED! IF I GO AT ALL, I GO AS LADY 'ELP!"

Illustration: "_Hard Lines._"

=Mistress= (_to former Cook_). "WELL, ELIZA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?"

=Ex-Cook.= "WELL, MUM, AS YOU WOULDN'T GIVE ME NO CHARACTER, I'VE BEEN
OBLIGED TO MARRY A SOLDIER!"

Illustration: "_Not to Put too Fine a Point on It._"

_Transatlantic Party._ "LOOK 'ERE, WAITER! CHANGE THIS KNIFE FOR A
PEA-EATER. STRANGER AND ME AIR ON DIFFERENT PLATFORMS, AND I MIGHT HURT
HIM."

Illustration: "_Never Say 'Die'_"

=Nephew.= "SURE IT ISN'T GOUT, UNCLE?"

=Uncle.= "GOUT! SHTUFF AN' NONSHENSH! NOT A BIT OF IT! NO, FACT
IS--PHEW--(_winces_) THESE CON-FOUNDED BOOTMAKERS--THEY MAKE YOUR BOOTS
SO _TIGHT_!!"

Illustration: _"Ingenuas Didicisse" &c._

=Urbane Foreigner.= "THE--AH--CONTEMPLATION OF THESE--AH--RELICS OF
ANCIENT ART IN THE GALLERIES OF EUROPE, MUST BE MOST INT'R'STING TO
THE--AH--EDUCATED AMERICAN!"

=American Tourist.= "WA'AL, DON'T SEEM TO CARE MUCH FOR THESE _STONE GALS_
SOMEHOW, STRANGER!"

Illustration: A Plutocrat.

=Swell.= "'D YOU OBLIGE ME--AH--BY SHUTTING YOUR WINDOW?--AH----"

=Second Passenger= (_politely_). "REALLY, SIR, IF YOU WILL NOT PRESS IT,
AS YOURS IS SHUT, THE AIR IS SO WARM I WOULD RATHER KEEP THIS OPEN. YOU
SEEM TO TAKE GREAT CARE OF YOURSELF, SIR----"

=Swell.= "CARE OF MYSELF! SHOULD WATHER THINK SO. SO WOULD YOU, MY DEAR
FEL-LAH, IF YOU'D SIX THOUSAND A YE-AR!!"

Illustration: "Matter!"

=Portly Old Swell= (_on reading Professor Tyndall's Speech_). "DEAR ME! IS
IT POSS'BLE! MOST 'XTR'ORD'NARY!--(_throws down the Review_)--THAT I
SHOULD HAVE BEEN ORIGINALLY A 'PRIMORDIAL ATOMIC GLOBULE'!!"

Illustration: A Final Appeal.

"NOW, GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, I THROW MYSELF UPON YOUR IMPARTIAL
JUDGEMENT AS HUSBANDS AND FATHERS, AND I CONFIDENTLY ASK, DOES THE
PRISONER LOOK LIKE A MAN WHO WOULD KNOCK DOWN AND TRAMPLE UPON THE WIFE
OF HIS BOSOM? GENTLEMEN, I HAVE DONE!"

Illustration: _Division of Labor._

=Facetious Volunteer Sub.= "LOOK HERE, CAPTAIN; I'M TIRED OF THIS FUN. DO
YOU MIND LOOKING AFTER THE MEN WHILE I GO AND GET TAKEN PRISONER?"

Illustration: "_Off._"

=Sergeant O'Leary.= "DOUBLE! LEFT! RIGHT! WHAT THE BLAZES, PAT ROONEY,
D'YE MANE BY NOT DOUBLIN' WID THE SQUAD!?"

=Pat.= "SHURE, SERGEANT, 'TWASN'T A FAIR START!"

Illustration: _"Where Ignorance is Bliss" &c._

=Frugal Housewife= (_has a large Family_). "OH, MR. STICKINGS, I SEE BY
THE DAILY PAPERS THAT THE PRICE OF MEAT HAS FALLEN TWOPENCE A POUND. I
THINK YOU OUGHT TO MAKE SOME REDUCTION IN YOUR CHARGES!"

=Country Butcher.= "WERRY SORRY, MUM, BUT WE DON'T TAKE IN NO DAILY
PAPERS, MUM!!"

Illustration: _Complimentary._

=Collier= (_about the Dog_). "YES, SIR, AW GOT HIM IN MANCHESTER, YONDER,
AN' DOCTOR AW'S GOING T' AX YE, HEY Y' ONY OBJECTION TIN US NAMIN' HIM
EFTHER YE?!"

=Young Medical Man= (_rather pleased_). "OH, DEAR NO, BY ALL MEANS--'DON'T
KNOW ABOUT THE COMPLIMENT, THOUGH, HE'S NOT A BEAUTY TO LOOK AT!"

=Collier.= "MEBBEES NOT, DOCTOR; BUT--SMASH!--MUN, HE'S A BEGGAR TO
KILL!!"

Illustration: "(_Not_) _Thankful for Small Mercies_"

=Cat's-Meat Man.= "WHAT 'A YER GOT FOR DINNER TO-DAY, JOE?"

=Crossing-Sweeper.= "OH, A BIT O' ROAST WEAL, SENT ME UP FROM NO. 6 IN
THE CRESCENT 'ERE--AN' YER WOULDN'T B'LLEVE IT!--NOT A MOSSEL O'
STUFFIN--AH, AN' NOT SO MUCH AS A SLICE O' LEMON!--AND (_with a sneer_)
CALLS THEIRSELVES RESPECT'BLE PEOPLE, I'VE NO DOUBT!!"

Illustration: _Delicacy._

=Edwin= (_as the Servant is present_). "AH--J'ETTAY SEE--AH--DISAPPOINTAY
DE NE PAS VOO VWORE A LA RINK CE MATTANG--POORQWAW ESKER----?"

=Angelina.= "AH WEE, MAIS MOMMONG----"

=Parlour-Maid.= "HEM! BEG YOUR PARDON, MISS; BUT I UNDERSTAND THE
LANGVIDGE!!"

Illustration: "The Servants."

=Mistress.= "JANE, TELL COOK I'LL COME DOWN AND SEE WHAT SHE WANTS DONE TO
THAT STOVE, AS THE BUILDER'S COMING TO-MORROW."

=Jane.= "O, PLEASE, 'UM, I DON'T THINK WE CAN AST YOU INTO THE KITCHING TO
DAY, MUM, AS COOK AND ME'S GOT A SMALL AND EARLY 'AT OME' THIS
AFTERNOON, MUM!"

Illustration: Retributive Justice.

=Farmer= (_giving the Culprit a Box o' the Ear_). "HOW DARE YOU BEAT THOSE
GOSLINS, YOU YOUNG RASCAL? I SAW YOU!"

=Boy.= "BOO, OO, OO, WHAT FURR'D THEY GORS-CHICKS FEYTHER BOITE OI THEN
FURR?!"

Illustration: "By the Card."

=Pedestrian.= "HOW FAR IS IT TO SLUDGECOMBE, BOY?"

=Boy.= "WHY 'BOUT TWENTY 'UNDERD THEAUSAN' MILD 'F Y' GOO 'S Y'ARE AGOOIN'
NOW, AN' 'BOUT HALF A MILD 'F YOU TURN RIGHT REAOUND AN' GOO T' OTHER
WAY!!"

Illustration: _In Jeopardy._

THE NEW BOY WAS ENJOINED TO BE VERY CAREFUL HOW HE CARRIED THE
FIDDLE-CASE--"BY THE HANDLE, AND TO MIND NOT TO KNOCK IT AGAINST
ANYTHING!" IMAGINE THE HORROR OF MR. PITSEY CARTER, HIS MASTER, WHO WAS
FOLLOWING, TO COME UPON THE RASCAL, WITH THE INVALUABLE "JOSEPH" ON HIS
HEAD, EXECUTING A PAS-SEUL OVER A SKIPPING-ROPE!!

Illustration: Heresy.

=Mamma.= "YOU KNOW WHO BUILT THE ARK, GEORGE?"

=George= (_promptly_). "NOAH, 'MA."

=Mamma.= "AND WHAT DID HE BUILD IT FOR?"

=George= (_dubiously_). "FOR LITTLE BOYS TO PLAY WITH, 'MA?!"

Illustration: "Oh, the Mistletoe Bough!"

=Greengrocer, Jun.= (_to whom our Little Friend in Velvet had applied for
a piece of Mistletoe for his own private diversion_). "I'VE GOT YER A
BIT, MASTER GEORGE. IT AIN'T A VERY BIG PIECE, BUT THERE'S LOTS O'
BERRIES ON IT; _AN' IT'S THE BERRIES AS DOES IT_"!!!

Illustration: Culture for the Working Classes.

=Philanthropic Employer= (_who has paid his Workpeople's expenses to a
neighbouring Fine-Art Exhibition_). "WELL, JOHNSON, WHAT DID YOU THINK
OF IT? 'PICK UP AN IDEA OR TWO?"

=Foreman.= "WELL, YER SEE, SIR, IT WERE A THIS WAY. WHEN US GOT THERE, WE
WAS A CONSIDERIN' WHAT WAS BEST TO BE DONE, SO WE APP'INTED A
DEPPERTATION O' THREE ON US TO SEE WHAT IT WERE LIKE; AN' WHEN THEY COME
OUT AN' SAID IT WERE ONLY PICTURS AN' SUCH, WE THOUGHT IT A PITY TO
SPEND OUR SHILLINS ON 'EM. SO WE WENT TO THE TEA-GARDENS, AND WERY
PLEASANT IT WERE, TOO. THANK YER KINDLY, SIR!"

Illustration: A Casual Acquaintance.

=West-End Man= (_addressing, as he supposes, Intelligent Mechanic_). "CAN
YOU DIRECT ME TO THE MOORGATE STREET STATION?"

=Seedy Party.= "MO'RGATE STREET STATION, SIR? STRAIGHT ON, SIR, FUST
TURNIN' T' THE RIGHT, AND IT'S JUST OPPOSYTE. AND NOW, YOU'VE
INTERDOOCED THE SUBJECT, SIR, IF YOU COULD ASSIST ME WITH A TRIFLE, SIR,
WHICH I'VE 'AD NOTHIN' TO EAT SINCE LAST FRIDAY----"

_West-End Man not having an answer ready, forks out, and exit._

Illustration: "Circumlocutory!"

=Polite Coster= (_seeing Smoke issuing from Brown's coat-pocket_). "YOU'LL
EXCUSE ME ADDRESSIN' O' YOU, SIR,--COMMON MAN IN A MANNER O'
SPEAKIN'--GEN'LEMAN LIKE YOU, SIR--BEGGIN' PARDON FOR TAKIN' THE
LIBERTY, WHICH I SHOULD NEVER A' THOUGHT O' DOIN' UNDER ORDINARY
SUCCUMSTANCES, SIR, ON'Y YOU DIDN'T SEEM TO BE AWARE ON IT, BUT IT
STRUCK ME AS I SEE YOU A GOIN' ALONG, AS YOU WERE A-FIRE, SIR!"

_By this time Brown's right coat-tail was entirely consumed. His fuzees
had ignited by private arrangement among themselves._

Illustration: _Alarming._

=Buttons= (_as he burst into his Master's room on the night of Wednesday,
the 7th: he had just seen that wonderful shooting star_). "OH, PLEASE,
SIR, THEM METEORS IS A GOIN' OFF AG'IN!!"

=Scientific Old Gent= (_startled out of his first sleep, and
misunderstanding the intelligence_). "OH!--EH!--WHAT!--TURN IT OFF AT
THE _MAIN_!!"

Illustration: _Weights and Measures._

=Valetudinarian= (_in the course of Conversation with intelligent
Passenger, whom he takes to be a Dignitary of the Church_). "NOW, WHAT
SHOULD YOU THINK WAS MY WEIGHT?"

=Gentleman in Black.= "WELL, SIR--LET ME SEE--YOU STAND ABOUT FIVE FEET
ELEVEN, THIRTY INCHES ACROSS CHEST, AND WE'LL SAY ELEVEN INCHES
DEEP--WELL, I SHOULD SAY, SPEAKING AT RANDOM, YOU WOULD 'LIFT' AT ABOUT
ELEVEN STUN' AND THREE QUARTERS!"

_Horror of Invalid--his fellow-passenger was an UNDERTAKER!_

Illustration: "_Small Mercies._"

=First Jolly Angler= (_with empty Creel_). "WELL, WE'VE HAD A VERY
PLEASANT DAY! WHAT A DELIGHTFUL PURSUIT IT IS!"

=Second Ditto= (_with ditto_). "GLORIOUS! I SHAN'T FORGET THAT NIBBLE WE
HAD JUST AFTER LUNCH, AS LONG AS I LIVE!"

=Both.= "AH!!"

Illustration: Tyranny.

=First Rough.= "WE'RE A GOIN' TO BE EDGICATED NOW, C'MPULSORY, OR ELSE GO
TO THE TREADMILL!"

=Second Rough.= "AH! NO VUNDER SO MANY POOR PEOPLE'S A EMIGRATIN'!"

Illustration: A Perfect Cure.

=Town Man.= "HOW JOLLY IT MUST BE, LIVING DOWN HERE IN THE COUNTRY!"

=Country Gentleman.= "OH, I DON'T KNOW. IT'S RATHER TORPID SORT OF LIFE;
TIME PASSES VERY SLOWLY."

=Town Man.= "TIME PASSES SLOWLY? YOU SHOULD GET SOMEBODY TO DRAW ON YOU AT
THREE MONTHS!!"

Illustration: In Consequence of the Tailors' Strike.

GEORGE AND THE GOVERNOR HAVE THEIR CLOTHES MADE AT HOME.

=George.= "ARE YOU SURE YOU TOOK MY RIGHT MEASURE, CHARLOTTE?"

=Charlotte.= "OH, GEORGE, I'M SURE IT FITS BEAUTIFULLY!!"

Illustration: "As Well as Can be Expected."

=Horsey Parish Doctor= (_late for the Meet_). "WELL, MOTHER, AND HOW'S
YOUR DAUGHTER, AND THE BABBY--POORLY, EH? AH, WELL, GIVE HIM A PINCH O'
BRIMSTONE IN HIS PAP, AND I'LL LOOK IN TO-MORROW."

Illustration: Penny Wise.

=National Schoolmaster= (_going round with Government Inspector_).
"WILKINS, HOW DO YOU BRING SHILLINGS INTO PENCE?"

=Pupil.= "PLEASE, SIR, 'TAKES IT ROUND TO THE PUBLIC-'OUSE, SIR!!"

Illustration: Reminiscences.

=Governess.= "SHOW MR. SMITHERS YOUR NEW DOLL, ADA."

=Old Rustic.= "AH--LOR'--DEARY ME, MUM, IF IT AIN'T THE VERY MODAL OF MY
OLD WOMAN WHEN SHE WAS IN HER PRIME!!"

Illustration: "Hoist with His Own 'Pomade'!"

=Customer= (_worried into it_). "WELL, I DON'T MIND TAKING A SMALL
BOTTLE----"

=Barber.= "BETTER 'AVE A TWO SHILLIN' ONE, SIR; IT 'OLDS FOUR TIMES AS
MUCH AS THE OTHER----"

=Customer= (_turning upon him_). "O, THEN IF I TAKE THIS SHILLING BOTTLE,
I SHALL BE DONE OUT OF HALF MY MONEY'S WORTH! THEN I WON'T HAVE ANY!"
_Escapes in triumph!_

Illustration: Distracting.

=Customer.= "WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE BISHOP'S SERMON ON SUNDAY, MR.
WIGSBY?"

=Hairdresser.= "WELL, REALLY, SIR, THERE WAS A GENT A-SETTIN' IN FRONT O'
ME AS 'AD HIS 'AIR PARTED THAT CROOKED I COULDN'T 'EAR A WORD!"

Illustration: A Compliment.

=Hairdresser.= "ANY OFF THE BEARD, SIR?"

=Customer.= "NO, THANK YOU. I'VE LATELY TRIMMED IT MYSELF."

=Hairdresser.= "INDEED, SIR! I SHOULD NOT HAVE THOUGHT ANY GENTLEMAN OUT
OF THE PROFESSION COULD HAVE DONE IT SO WELL!!"

Illustration: XXX Cellent Reasons.

=Free and Independent= (_to wavering_) =Elector=. "YOU DON'T ADMIRE HIS
POLITICS? POLITICS BE BLOWED! LOOK AT HIS PRINCIPLES! THAT MAN ALLUS
BREWS FIVE-AND-TWENTY BUSHELS TO THE HOGSHEAD!"

Illustration: Sympathy.

=Giles= (_ruefully_). "VILLIAM, I'VE BEEN AN' GONE AN' 'LISTED!"

=William.= "LOR'! 'AVE YER, THOUGH? GOT THE SHILLIN'?"

=Giles.= "YES."

=William.= "WELL, THEN, LET'S GO AN' 'AVE A GLASS AT THE 'BARLEY-MOW.'
DON'T LET'S BE DOWN'EARTED!"

Illustration: Liberal to a Fault.

=the missus= (_affably_). "MY 'USBAN'S OUT JUST NOW, SIR. CAN I GIVE HIM
ANY MESSAGE?"

=liberal candidate.= "AH--I HAVE CALLED WITH THE HOPE THAT--AH--HE'D
PROMISE ME HIS VOTE AT THE APPROACH----"

=the missus.= "OH, YES, SIR. YOU'RE CAP'M BILKE, THE 'YALLOW,' I S'POSE,
SIR! YES, I'M SURE HE'LL BE MOST 'APPY, SIR!"

=the captain= (_delighted_). "YA-AS--I SHALL BE MUCH OBLIGED TO
HIM--AND--AH--HE MAY DEPEND UPON MY----"

=the missus.= "YES, I'M SURE HE'D PROMISE YOU IF HE WAS AT HOME, SIR;
'CAUSE WHEN THE TWO 'BLUE' GENTS CALLED AND AS'ED HIM THE OTHER DAY,
SIR, HE PROMISED 'EM D'REC'LY, SIR!!"

Illustration: Civil Service Miseries.

=Mamma= (_who has been Shopping at the Co-Operative_). "GOOD GRACIOUS,
DEARS, WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THESE PARCELS?"

=Youngest Daughter.= "OH, PA' CAN TAKE THE LARGE ONE, MA', AND HE MIGHT
CARRY SOME OF THE SMALL ONES IN HIS POCKETS!!" _Pa', who has been
waiting outside, feels he's in for it._

Illustration: "Men were Deceivers Ever."

=Swell= (_at the Civil Service Co-Operative Store_). "HAW! I WANT TWO OR
THWEE POUNDS--BACON--AND--AW--'BLIGE ME BY DOING IT UP LIKE BOX--GLOVES
OR FLOWERS, OR SOMETHING O' THAT SORT!!"

Illustration: A Sinister Slip.

=Smith.= "HULLO, BROWN! 'BEEN FOR YOUR ANNUAL COLLIS----I MEAN YOUR ANNUAL
EXCURSION, YET?"

_Brown was highly nervous, and this malign suggestion quite upset him.
He spent his holiday at home!_

Illustration: Force of Habit.

=City Merchant= (_blissfully dozing in his Country Church_). "SEASON
TICKET!!"

Illustration: "_Alma Mater._"

_Young Puncheonby "cuts" the Army, and goes to Oxford to read for "the
Church."_

=Tutor.= "YOU ARE PREPARED IN SUBSCRIBE TO THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES----"

=Puncheonby= (_with alacrity_). "AH 'TH PLEASH 'AH,--AH--HOW MU-CH--."

Illustration: _Embarrassing._

=Nervous Spinster= (_to wary Old Bachelor_). "OH, MR. MARIGOLD, I'M SO
FRIGHTENED! MAY I TAKE HOLD OF YOUR HAND WHILE WE'RE GOING THROUGH THIS
TUNNEL?"

Illustration: A Straightforward View.

=High Church Curate.= "AND WHAT DO YOU THINK, MR. SIMPSON, ABOUT A
CLERGYMAN'S TURNING TO THE EAST?"

=Literal Churchwarden.= "WELL, SIR, MY OPINION IS, THAT IF THE CLERGY MAN
IS GOODLOOKIN', HE DON'T WANT TO TURN HIS BACK TO THE CONGREGATION!"

Illustration: "The Better the Day." &c.

=Rustic= (_to Curate who dabbles in Photography_). "I'D BE TURR'BLE MUCH
OBLIGED, ZUR, IF YOU'D MAP OFF MY PICTUR', ZUR!"

=Curate.= "WELL, MY MAN, I'LL TAKE YOUR LIKENESS FOR YOU. WHEN WILL YOU
COME?"

=Rustic.= "WELL, ZUR, IF YOU'VE NO 'BJECTIONS, I BE MOASTLY CLEANED UP AND
HAS MOAST TIME O' ZUNDAY MARNINS, ZUR!!"

Illustration: A Distinction.

=The "Good Parson"= (_to Applicant for Instruction in the Night School_).
"HAVE YOU BEEN CONFIRMED, MY BOY?"

=Boy= (_hesitating_). "PLEASE, SIR--I--DON'T KNOW----"

=Parson.= "YOU UNDERSTAND ME; HAS THE BISHOP LAID HIS HANDS ON YOU?"

=Boy.= "OH, NO, SIR; BUT HIS KEEPER HAVE, SIR--VERY OFTEN, SIR!!"

Illustration: Considerate.

=Churchwarden.= "TELL YE WHAT 'TIS, SIR. THE CONGREGATION DO WISH YOU
WOULDN'T PUT THAT 'ERE CURATE UP IN PULPIT--NOBODY CAN'T HEAR UN."

=Old Sporting Rector.= "WELL, BLUNT, THE FACT IS, TWEEDLER'S SUCH A GOOD
FELLOW FOR PARISH WORK, I'M OBLIGED TO GIVE HIM _A MOUNT_ SOMETIMES."

Illustration: Rustic Recollections.

=Boy.= "PLEASE, PA-ARSON, MOTHER WANTS SOME SOUP."

=The Rector.= "BUT I TOLD YOUR MOTHER SHE MUST SEND SOMETHING TO PUT IT
IN."

=Boy.= "OH, PLEASE, SHE'VE SENT THIS YEAR PA-AIL VOR 'UN, PA-ARSON!!"

Illustration: _Not a "Silver Lining" to a Cloud._

=Adolphus= (_grandly; he is giving his future brother-in-law a little
dinner down the river_). "WAITAR, YOU CAN--AH--LEAVE US!"

=Old Waiter.= "HEM!--YESSIR--BUT--YOU'LL PARD'N ME, SIR--WE'VE SO MANY
GENTS--'DON'T WISH TO IMPUTE NOTHINK, SIR--BUT MASTER--'FACT IS,
SIR--(_evidently feels a delicacy about mentioning it_)--WE'RE--YOU SEE,
SIR--_'SPONSIBLE FOR THE PLATE, SIR!!!_"

Illustration: "_What's in a Name?_"

=Waiter= (_to nervous invalid_). "THERE'S THE OLD CHURCH, SIR, CLOSE BY,
BUT SOME VISITORS GOES TO ST. WOBBLEOE'S, SIR. THERE THE CLERGYMAN
PREACHES _DISTEMPERY_!!"

_Clearly not the place for him, the old gentleman thinks, with a
shudder._

Illustration: _A New Dish._

=Sympathising Swell= (_waiting for some chicken_). "YOU'VE GOT NO SINECURE
THERE, THOMAS!"

=Perspiring Footman.= "VERY SORRY, SIR--JUST 'ELPED THE LAST OF IT AWAY,
SIR!"

Illustration: Our Artist

IS NOT IN THE BEST OF TEMPERS. HE HAS BEEN DISTURBED OFTEN BY BARGES,
AND BOTHERED BY THE BLUEBOTTLES, AND THEN HE'S ACCOSTED BY WHAT APPEARS
TO HIM IN THIS IRRITABLE MOOD TO BE AN

=Art-Critic= (_loq._) "THE PICTURE LOOKS BETTER A GOODISH BIT OFF,
GOV'NOUR!"

=Artist= (_maddened_). "CON--FOUND----SO DO YOU, SIR!" _Party makes off
hastily, "not liking the looks of him."_

Illustration: Hunting Idiot,

RETURNING FROM THE CHASE, PROPOSES TO "CHAFF THAT ARTIST FELLER."

=Huntsman.= "WHAT'LL YER TAKE ME FOR, GOV'NOUR?"

=Painter= (_without the slightest hesitation_). A _SNOB_!

Illustration: Boxing-Day.

(_Mrs. Bustleton's favourite Cabman has called for his usual
Christmas-Box in a state of----never mind._)

=Mrs. B.= "OH, SAWYER, I'M SURPRISED--I THOUGHT YOU SUCH A STEADY MAN! I'M
SORRY TO SEE YOU GIVEN TO DRINK!"

=Sawyer.= "BEG Y' PAR'N MUM, NO S'H 'HING MUM (_hic_). DRINK 'ASH GI'N T'
ME, MUM, 'SH MORN'N, MUM!!"

Illustration: An Old Offender.

=Country Gentleman= (_eyeing his Gardener suspiciously_). "DEAR, DEAR MR.
JEFFRIES, THIS IS TOO BAD! AFTER WHAT I SAID TO YOU YESTERDAY, I DIDN'T
THINK TO FIND YOU----"

=Gardener.= "YOU CAN'T SHAY--(_hic_)--I WASH DRUNK YESHT'DAY, SH----!"

=Country Gentleman= (_sternly_). "ARE YOU SOBER THIS MORNING, SIR?"

=Gardener.= "I'M--SHLIGHTLY SHOBER, SHIR!!"

Illustration: Irrevocable.

=Customer= (_for the Royal Wedding photograph_). "CAN'T I HAVE THE LADY
ONLY? I DON'T SO MUCH WANT THE GENTLEMAN!!"

=Young Person= (_with decision_). "NO, SIR; WE CAN'T PART THEM, SIR,
_NOW_!"

Illustration: Mrs. Jingleton. Learning that Young M Skirlygy

(FROM WHOSE FAMILY SHE RECEIVED SUCH POLITENESS WHEN SHE WAS IN THE
HIGHLANDS) WAS IN TOWN, AND HAVING HEARD SO MUCH OF HIS PLAYING, ASKS
HIM TO ONE OF HER LITTLE PARTIES FOR CLASSICAL MUSIC, AND HOPES HE WILL
'OBLIGE' DURING THE EVENING.--HA! HA! SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HIS
INSTRUMENT WAS!

Illustration: Arcadian Amenities.

=Little Rustic= (_after a "game" struggle, evidently overweighted_). "OH,
PLEASE, HELP US ALONG 'ITH THIS LINEN UP TO MOTHER'S----"

=Amiable Swell= (_aghast_). "EH! OH, RIDICULOUS--HOW CAN I?--LOOK HERE,
I'VE GOT A BAG--HEAVY BAG--TO CARRY MYSELF----"

=Little Rustic.= "I'LL CARRY YOUR BAG, SIR."

=Swell.= "EH--BUT (_to gain time_) WH--WHAT'S YOUR MOTHER'S ABSURD NAME?"
_This did not help him much. There was no escape; and ultimately----but
we draw a veil over the humiliating sequel._

Illustration: A Big Fish.

=Artful Damsel= (_who has made a successful throw_). "O, LORD FEUBIGGIN,
HOWEVER SHALL I MANAGE----."

=Lord Feubiggin= (_caught, two_). "PRAY LET ME SHOW YOU! ALL DEPENDS ON
HOW YOU PLAY YOUR FISH!" _We betray confidence for once. This Picture
comes from a Letter sent by a newly-married Lady (now of title), to a
particular Friend of hers, and is called a "Reminiscence of Scotland."
Perhaps our Readers can guess at the Story--we cannot._

Illustration: The Pic-Nic.

=Playful Widow.= "JUMP ME DOWN, MR. FIGGINS!!"

_The gallant little Man did his best, but fell--in her estimation for
ever!_

Illustration: Artful--Very!

=Mary.= "DON'T KEEP A SCREOUGIN' O' ME, JOHN!"

=John.= "WH'OI BEAN'T A SCREOUGIN' ON YER!"

=Mary= (_ingenuously_). "WELL, Y' CAN I' Y' LIKE, JOHN!"

Illustration: "_The Grey Mare!_"

=Mrs. B.= (_taking the reins_). "NO, BROWN, I WILL NOT HAVE THE PONY
BACKED! NO! THAT PERSON MUST HAVE SEEN US COME INTO THE LANE FIRST; AND
IF THE MAN'S GOT COMMON POLITENESS----"

=Mr. B.= "BUT, MY DEAR, WE'VE ONLY JUST TURNED THE----"

=Mrs. B.= "I DON'T CARE, BROWN! NO! I WON'T GO BACK, IF I STAY HERE
TILL----"

=Farmer.= "ALL RIGHT, SIR!--I'LL BACK, SIR. I'VE GOT JUST SUCH ANOTHER
_VIXEN_ AT HOME, SIR!"

Illustration: _How We Arrange Our Little Dinners._

=Mistress.= "OH, COOK, WE SHALL WANT DINNER FOR FOUR THIS EVENING. WHAT DO
YOU THINK, BESIDES THE JOINT, OF OX-TAIL SOUP, LOBSTER PATES, AND AN
ENTREE--SAY, BEEF?"

=Cook.= "YES, 'M--FRESH, OR AUSTR----?"

=Mistress.= "LET'S SEE! IT'S ONLY THE BROWNS--TINNED WILL DO!"

Illustration: _Conclusive._

=Lodger.= "I DETECT RATHER A DISAGREEABLE SMELL IN THE HOUSE, MRS. JONES.
ARE YOU SURE THE DRAINS----"

=Welsh Landlady.= "OH, IT CAN'T BE THE DRAINS, SIR, WHATEVER. THERE ARE
NONE, SIR!!"

Illustration: _Our Manoeuvres._

=Captain of Skirmishers= (_rushing in to seize Picket Sentries of the
Enemy_). "HULLO! HE-AR! YOU SURRENDER TO THIS COMPANY!"

=Opposition Lance-Corporal.= "BEG PARDON, SIR! IT'S THE OTHER WAY, SIR.
WE'RE A BRIGADE, SIR!!!"

Illustration: "Our Reserves,"--The Battle of Amesbury.

=Aide-de-Camp.= "GOOD GRACIOUS, SIR! WHY DON'T YOU ORDER YOUR MEN TO LIE
DOWN UNDER THIS HILL? CAN'T YOU SEE THAT BATTERY PLAYING RIGHT ON THEM?"

=Colonel of Volunteers.= "SO I DID, SIR. BUT THEY WON'T LIE DOWN. THEY SAY
THEY WANT TO SEE THE REVIEW!!"

Illustration: A Little Failing.

=Nervous Old Lady.= "NOW, CABMAN, YOU'RE SURE YOUR HORSE IS QUIET? WHAT'S
HE LAYING BACK HIS EARS LIKE THAT FOR? LOOK!"

=Cabby.= "O THAT'S ONLY HER FEMI-NINE CUR'OSITY, MUM. SHE LIKES TO HEAR
WHERE SHE'S A GOIN' TO!"

Illustration: The Connoisseurs.

=Groom.= "WHEW'S BEER DO YOU LIKE BEST--THIS 'ERE HOM'BREWED O' FISK'S, OR
THAT THERE ALE THEY GIVES YER AT THE WHITE HO'S?"

=Keeper= (_critically_). "WELL, O' THE TEW I PREFERS THIS 'ERE. THAT THERE
O' WUM'OOD'S DON'T FARE TO ME TO TASTE O' NAWTHUN AT ALL. NOW THIS 'ERE
DEW TASTE O' THE CASK!!"

Illustration: "Io Bacche!"

=Jeames.= "MORNIN', MR. JARVICE. WHAT'S THE NEWS?"

=Mr. J.= (_the old Coachman_). "WELL, I'VE 'EARD THE BEST BIT O' NEWS THIS
MORNING AS I'VE 'EARD FOR MANY A DAY, FROM OUR BUTLER. HE TELL ME THE
WIN'YARDS IS 'A COMIN' ROUND,' AND THERE'S EVERY PROSPEC' OF OUR GETTIN'
SOME MORE GOOD MADEIRY!!"

Illustration: A Veteran.

=Civil Service Captain.= "WILL--HE--AH--STAND POW-DAR?"

=Dealer.= "'POWDER?' WHY HE WAS ALL THROUGH THE BATTLE O' WATERLOO THAT
CHARGER WAS!!"

Illustration: "What's the Odds?"

=Purchaser.= "HE'S RATHER HEAVY ABOUT THE HEAD, ISN'T HE?"

=Dealer= (_can't deny it_). "WELL, SIR! (_Happy thought._) BUT Y'SEE, SIR,
HE'LL HEV TO CARRY IT HISSELF!"

Illustration: _"There's Many a Slip" &c._

WAGGLES SAW A SPLENDID THREE-POUND TROUT FEEDING IN A QUIET PLACE ON THE
THAMES ONE EVENING LAST WEEK. DOWN HE COMES THE NEXT NIGHT, MAKING SURE
OF HIM! BUT SOME OTHER PEOPLE HAD SEEN HIM TOO!!!

Illustration: _Lingua "East Anglia."_

=First Angler= (_to Country Boy_). "I SAY, MY LAD, JUST GO TO MY FRIEND ON
THE BRIDGE THERE, AND SAY I SHOULD BE MUCH OBLIGED TO HIM IF HE'D SEND
ME SOME BAIT."

=Country Boy= (_to Second Angler, in the Eastern Counties language_).
"THA' THERE BO' SAHY HE WANT A WURRUM!!"

Illustration: _A Luxurious Habit._

=Philanthropist= (_to Railway Porter_). "THEN WHAT TIME DO YOU GET TO
BED?"

=Porter.= "WELL, I SELDOM WHAT YER MAY CALL GETS TO BED MYSELF, 'CAUSE O'
THE NIGHT TRAINS. BUT MY BROTHER, AS USED TO WORK THE P'INTS FURTHER
DOWN THE LINE, WENT TO BED LAST CHRISTMAS AFTER THE ACCIDENT, AND
NEVER----"

_Train rushes in, and the Parties rush off._

Illustration: _The Golden Age Restored._

=Young Lady= (_Through Passenger, at West Riding Station_). "WHAT'S GOING
ON HERE TO-DAY, PORTER? HAS THERE BEEN A FETE?"

=Porter= (_astonished_). "BLESS THEE, LASS! THERE'S NEA FEIGHTIN'
NOO-A-DAYS; 'T'S AGIN T' LA-AW!--NOBBUT A FLOOER-SHOW!"

Illustration: "No Accounting for Taste."

=Materfamilias= (_just arrived at Shrimpville--the Children had been down
a Month before_). "WELL, JANE, HAVE YOU FOUND IT DULL?"

=Nurse.= "IT WAS AT FUST, M'M. THERE WAS NOTHINK TO IMPROVE THE MIND, M'M,
TILL THE NIGGERS COME DOWN!!"

Illustration: Sold Cheap.

=Little Brown= (_to "Nigger Minstrel," who always addresses his listeners
as "My Lord"_). "AH, HOW DID YOU KNOW MY----AH--HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS A
LORD?" _Sensation among the bystanders!_

=Minstrel.= "BLESS YER, MY LORD, I NEVER LOSE SIGHT O' MY SCHOOLFELLERS!"

_Roars of laughter. Little B. caves in, and bolts!_

Illustration: Selling Him a Pennyworth.

=Philanthropist.= "THERE'S A PENNY FOR YOU, MY LAD. WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH
IT?"

=Sweeper.= "WHAT ALL THIS AT ONCE! I'LL TOSS YER FOR IT, DOUBLE OR
QUITS!"

Illustration: A Change for the Better.

=Greengrocer.= "WANT A PENN'ORTH O' COALS, DO YER? YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO
'AVE A PENN'ORTH MUCH LONGER. THEY'RE A GOING UP. COALS IS COALS NOW, I
CAN TELL YER!"

=Boy.= "AH, WELL, MOTHER'LL BE GLAD O' THAT, 'CAUSE SHE SAYS THE LAST
COALS SHE HAD O' YOU WAS ALL SLATES!!"

Illustration: _Colloquial Equivalents._

=Papa.= "NOW, MY DEAR GIRLS, YOUR BROTHER IS RECEIVING A MOST EXPENSIVE
EDUCATION, AND I THINK THAT WHILE HE IS AT HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS YOU
SHOULD TRY TO LEARN SOMETHING FROM HIM."

=Emily.= "SO WE DO, 'PA. WE'VE LEARNT THAT A BOY WHO CRIES IS A 'BLUB,'
THAT A BOY WHO WORKS HARD IS A 'SWOT'"----

=Flora.= "YES, AND THAT ANYBODY YOU DON'T LIKE IS A 'CAD;' AND WE KNOW THE
MEANING OF 'GRUB,' 'PROG,' AND A 'WAX'"

Illustration: "The Meat Supply."

=Bathing-Man.= "YES, MUM, HE'S A GOOD OLD 'ORSE YET. AND HE'S BEEN IN THE
SALT WATER SO LONG, HE'LL MAKE CAPITAL BILED BEEF WHEN WE'RE DONE WITH
HIM!!!"

Illustration: "_Tracts._"

=First Navvy.= "T' NEW MISSION-ARY GAVE ME THIS 'ERE TRACK JUST NOW,
BILL."

=Second Navvy.= "AIN'T SEEN HIM. WHAT LOIKE IS HE?"

=First Navvy.= "LITTLE CHAP--PREACHES ABOUT EIGHT STUN TEN, I SHOULD
GUESS!"

Illustration: "_A Ticket of Leave_."

=Swell= (_who won't be done_). "H'YARS MY KYARD IF YOU'D--AH--LIKE TO
SUMMON ME."

=Cabby= (_who has pulled up and heard the dispute_). "DON'T YOU TAKE IT,
BILL. IT'S HIS TICKET O' LEAVE!"

Illustration: A Pleasant Prospect.

=Traveller= (_in Ireland_). "HI,--PULL HER UP, MAN! DON'T YOU SEE THE MARE
IS RUNNING AWAY?"

=Paddy.= "HOULD TIGHT, YER 'ONOR! FOR YER LIFE DON'T TOUCH THE
REINS!--SURE THEY'RE AS ROTTEN AS PEARS! I'LL TURN HER INTO THE RIVER AT
THE BRIDGE BELOW HERE. SURE THAT'LL STOP HER, THE BLAGYARD!"

Illustration: Reassuring.

=Traveller in Ireland= (_rheumatic, and very particular_). "NOW, I HOPE
THE SHEETS ARE CLEAN!"

=Kathleen= (_the Chambermaid_). "CLANE, SOR? SHURE THEY'RE JUST _DAMP_
FROM THE MANGLE, SOR!!"

Illustration: _Woman's Rights._

=Scotch Lady= (_who has taken a House in the Highlands, her Servants
suddenly giving "warning"_). "WHAT'S THE REASON OF THIS? HAVE YOU NOT
ALL YOU WANT?--GOOD ROOMS, AND GOOD FRESH AIR AND FOOD, AND EASY WORK?"

=Spokeswoman.= "YES, MEM--BUT--BUT THERE'S NO A DECENT LAAD WITHIN CRY O'
US!"

Illustration: "_Canny._"

=Sportsman.= "THAT'S A TOUGH OLD FELLOW, JEMMY?"

=Keeper.= "AY, SIR, A GRAND BIRD TO SEND TO YOUR FREENS!"

Illustration: _Stern Pulpit Critics._

=First Scot.= "FAT SORT O' MINISTER HAE YE GOTTEN, GEORDIE?"

=Second Ditto.= "OH, WEEL, HE'S NO MUCKLE WORTH. WE SELDOM GET A GLINT O'
HIM. SAX DAYS O' TH' WEEK HE'S ENVEES'BLE, AND ON THE SEVENTH HE'S
ENCOMPREHENS'BLE!!"

Illustration: The Commissariat.

=Squire= (_to new Butler_). "I HAVE THREE OR FOUR CLERGYMEN COMING TO DINE
WITH ME TO-MORROW, PRODGERS, AND----"

=Mr. Prodgers.= "'IGH OR LOW, SIR?"

=Squire.= "WELL--I HARDLY----BUT WHY DO YOU ASK, PRODGERS?"

=Mr. Prodgers.= "WELL, YOU SEE, SIR, THE 'IGH' DRINKS MOST WINE, AND THE
'LOW' EATS MOST VITTLES, AND I MUST PERWIDE ACCORDIN!!"

Illustration: Duty and Pleasure.

=Rural Butler= (_deferentially_). "AND WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUR COUNTRY
QUALITY DOWN HERE, SIR?"

=Town Gentleman= (_"in waiting" to Lord Marybone, who was visiting the
Squire_). "WELL, 'F COURSE, YOU SEE, SMITHARS, I DON'T MIND WAITIN' ON
'EM,--BUT--'CAN'T SAY I SHOULD CARE TO SIT DOWN WITH 'EM"!!!

Illustration: "Business!"

=Bath-Chairman.= "I S'POSE THE DUKE OF EDINBORO' AND HIS MISSIS WILL BE BY
DIRECTLY?"

=Policeman.= "NO, THEY WON'T. THEY AIN'T IN TOWN."

=Bath-Chairman.= "AIN'T THEY?--I SAY, IF THAT OLD LADY IN MY CHAIR ASTS
YOU, SAY 'YOU DON'T KNOW,' 'CAUSE SHE'S A WAITIN' TO SEE 'EM, AND I'M
ENGAGED BY THE HOUR!"

Illustration: _Sacrifice._

=Good Templar.= "TUT--T--T--REALLY, SWIZZLE, IT'S DISGRACEFUL TO SEE A MAN
IN YOUR POSITION IN THIS STATE, AFTER THE EXPENSE WE'VE INCURRED AND THE
EXERTIONS WE'VE USED TO PUT DOWN THE LIQUOR TRAFFIC!"

=Swizzle.= "Y' MAY PREASH AS MUSH AS Y' LIKE, GEN'L'M'N, BUR I CAN TELL Y'
I'VE MADE MORE PERSH'NAL EFFORSH TO (_hic_) PURROWN LIQUOR THAN ANY OF
YE!"

Illustration: _Extenuating Circumstances._

=Employer= (_on his way to business on Monday morning_). "AH, SAUNDERS!
I'M SORRY TO SEE YOU IN THIS WAY. I THOUGHT YOU'D TURNED OVER A NEW
LEAF!"

=Saunders= (_repentant_). "SHO I'AD, SHIR, BUT (_hic_) 'TSH ALL ALONG O'
THESH 'ERE WA'ER CO'PANIES--I 'SSHURE YOU, SHIR, 'ERE WASHN'T 'DROP O'
WA'ER IN OUR SHISHT'RN ALL YESHT'RDAY!!!"

Illustration: _A Definition._

=Shoeblack= (_pointing to Unsteady Party by the lamp-post_). "TEA-TOTALLER
ON 'THE STRIKE,' SIR!"

Illustration: _Mystification._

_Our young Landscape Painter's Preparations are Regarded with Intense
Interest by the Village Juveniles, yet evidently expect a Gymnastic
Entertainment_--(_he frames an Imaginary Picture with his Hands_).

=Omnes.= "HE'S A GOIN' TO SAY HIS PRAYERS FUST!!"

Illustration: _Obliging._

=Excursionist= (_to himself_). "ULLO! 'ERE'S ONE O' THEM ARTISTS. 'DESSAY
'E'LL WANT A GENTEEL FIGGER FOR 'IS FOREGROUND. I'LL _STAND FOR
'IM_!!!"

Illustration: Our Theatricals.

=Brown= (_rehearsing his part as the "Vicomte de Cherisac"_). "YAS, MARIE!
I'VE FONDLY LOVED YE. (_Sobs dramatically._) 'TIS WELL--BUT NO
MAT-TAR-R!"

=Housemaid= (_to Cook, outside the Door_). "LAUKS, 'LIZ'BETH, AIN'T MASTER
A GIVIN' IT TO MISSIS!"

Illustration: Flattering.

=Housemaid= (_to Cook, behind the laurels_). "HE'S A HAFFABLE YOUNG MAN,
THAT CAP'AIN LIMBER, MISSUS'S BROTHER. HOW BECOMIN' HE'D LOOK IN OUR
LIVERY, WOULDN'T HE?!!"

Illustration: _Comparisons._

=Barber.= "'AIR'S EXTR'ORDINARY DRY, SIR. (_Customer explains he has been
in the Country, and out o' doors a good deal._) AH! JUS' SO, SIR.
RUINATION TO THE 'AIR, SIR! IF I WAS TO BE KNOCKIN' ABOUT 'UNTING AND
FISHIN', LOR', SIR, MY 'AIR WOULDN'T BE IN NO BETTER STATE THAN YOURS,
SIR!!"

Illustration: _Delicately Put._

=Customer.= "I'M AFRAID I'M GETTING A LITTLE BALD!"

=Operator.= "WELL, SIR, I THINK, SIR, WHEN YOU ATTEND PUBLIC WUSHIP, IF I
WAS YOU, I'D SIT IN THE GALLERY."

Illustration: _A Rash Refusal._

=Customer= (_flying from Importunate Tradesman_). "NO, THANK YOU, NOTHING
MORE, REALLY! NOT ANOTHER ARTICLE, THANK YOU! GOOD MORNING!"

_Escapes--ha! ha! refusing his own Umbrella!!_

Illustration: _A Guilty Conscience._

=Country Parson= (_to hard-drinking Old Pauper_). "WHY, SURELY, MUGGRIDGE,
YOU WERE RELIEVED LAST WEEK FROM THE COMMUNION ALMS!"

=Muggridge.= "COMMUNION ARMS, SIR! 'S TRUE'S I STAND HERE, NEVER VAS
INSIDE THE 'OUSE IN ALL MY LIFE, SIR; NEVER HEERD OF IT, SIR!"

Illustration: _Equal to the Situation._

=The Parson.= "WELL, LIZZIE, YOUR MOTHER'S COME OUT OF PRISON, I HEAR. HOW
IS SHE NOW?"

=Lizzie.= "O, THANKY', SIR, SHE'S EV' SO MUCH BETTER. SHE'VE HAD CAPITAL
TIMES IN THERE. FATHER'S OUT O' WORK, AND RATHER POORLY, SO HE GOT TOOK
UP LAST NIGHT!!"

Illustration: _The Convalescent._

=New Curate= (_tenderly_). "MY GOOD MAN, WHAT INDUCED YOU TO SEND FOR ME?"

=Oldest Inhabitant.= "WHAT DOES HE SAY, BETTY?"

=Betty.= "'SAYS WHAT THE DEUCE DID YOU SEND FOR HIM, FOR!!"

Illustration: Awkward!

=Literal Servant Girl= (_to Brown, who was calling for the first time on
the Dibsworths_). "PLEASE SIR, YOUR CABMAN SAY HE DON'T HALF LIKE THE
LOOK OF THIS HERE HALF-CROWN YOU'VE GIVE HIM!!"

Illustration: "Suit Your Talk to Your Company."

=Mrs. Clovermead.= "AND, DAN, YOU'LL BRING THE TRAP--(_recollecting
herself--her fashionable Cousin, from London, is on a Visit at the
Farm_)--WE SHALL WANT THE CARRIAGE TO DRIVE INTO THE TOWN AFTER
LUNCHEON, DANIEL."

=Daniel.= "YES, MUM--(_hesitating--he had noticed the correction_)--BE
I--(_in a loud whisper_)--BE I TO CHANGE MY TROWSE'S, MUM?"!!

Illustration: _Silly Suffolk (?) Pastorals. Reciprocity._

=Parson.= "I HAVE MISSED YOU FROM YOUR PEW OF LATE, MR. STUBBINGS----"

=Farmer= (_apologetically_). "WELL, SIR, I HEV' BEEN TO MEET'N' LATELY.
BUT--Y' SEE, SIR, THE REVEREND MR. SCOWLES O' THE CHAPEL, HE BOUGHT SOME
PIGS O' ME, AND I THOUGHT I OUGHT TO GI' 'M A TARN!!"

Illustration: Lapsus Linguae.

=Our Athletic Curate= (_who, with the young men of his parish, had been
victorious in a great match the day before; please forgive him this
once, only_). "HE-AR ENDETH THE FIRST INNINGS!!"

Illustration: The Archery Meeting.

=Curate= (_to Fair Stranger_). "I PERCEIVE YOU ARE NOT A TOXOPHILITE!"

=Fair Stranger= (_promptly_). "OH DEAR NO! 'CHURCH OF ENGLAND,' I ASSURE
YOU!"

Illustration: _Grandiloquence_

=Captain of Schooner.= "WHAT 'A' YOU GOT THERE, PAT?"

=Pat.= (_who has been laying in some Firewood and Potatoes_). "TIMBER AND
FRUIT, YER HONOUR!!"

Illustration: _Levelling Up._

=Sub.= (_just arrived by rail_). "HOW MUCH TO THE BARRACKS?"

=Car-Driver.= "AH, SHURE THIN, CAPTIN, THE MANEST OV 'EM GIVES ME T'REE
AND SIXPENCE!"

Illustration: Rural Simplicity.

"BEEN TO SCHOOL, LITTLE LASSIE?" "AY, SIR." "GOOD GIRL--THERE'S A PENNY
FOR YOU." "THANK YOU, SIR. I'LL HAE TO BE STEPPIN'--BUT AWM GAUN TO
SKEULL I' THE MORNIN'--WULL YE BE THIS WAY I' THE EFTERNEUN?!"

Illustration: _Catechism under Difficulties._

=Free Kirk Elder= (_preparatory to presenting a Tract_). "MY FRIEND, DO
YOU KNOW THE CHIEF END OF MAN?"

=Piper= (_innocently_). "NA, I DINNA MIND THE CHUNE! CAN YE NO WHUSTLE
IT?"!!

Illustration: _In Vino Memoria._

=Major Portsoken= (_a pretty constant Guest_). "I SAY, BUCHANAN, THIS
ISN'T--(_another sip_)--THE SAME CHAMPAGNE----!"

=Scotch Butler.= "NA, THAT'S A' DUNE! THERE WAS THRUTTY DIZZEN; AND YE'VE
HAD YERE SHARE O'T, MAJOR!!"

Illustration: Mind and Matter.

=Augustus= (_poetical_). "LOOK, EDITH! HOW LOVELY ARE THOSE FLEECY
CLOUDLETS DAPPLED OVER THE----"

=Edith= (_prosaic_). "YES. 'XACTLY LIKE GRAVY WHEN IT'S GETTING COLD.
ISN'T IT?"!!

Illustration: Perspective!

IN CRITICISING AND CORRECTING HIS PRETTY COUSIN'S PERSPECTIVE, OF COURSE
FREDERICK'S FACE MUST BE AS NEARLY AS POSSIBLE IN THE SAME PLACE AS
HERS!--TABLEAU!--PA (IN THE BACKGROUND) IS EVIDENTLY MAKING UP HIS MIND
TO SEE ABOUT THIS! _Note._ FRED _hasn't a rap!_

Illustration: Those Dreadful Boys!

=Algernon.= "AND, DEAREST, IF THE DEVOTION OF A LIFE----" (_At this moment
his hat is knocked over his eyes by a common Starfish, or Five-fingers
(Asterias rubens), thrown, with considerable force and precision, by one
of those_ infern----_high-spirited little fellows her younger brothers_,
TOMMY _and_ BERTIE!!!)

Illustration: Profanation.

=Gent.= "I LEFT A LOCK OF HAIR HERE A FEW DAYS AGO TO BE FITTED IN A
LOCKET, IS IT--AH--READY?"

=Artiste.= "VERY SORRY, SIR, IT HAS BEEN MISLAID. BUT IT'S OF NO
CONSEQUENCE, SIR--WE CAN EASILY GET IT MATCHED, SIR."!!

Illustration: "Turn About."

=George.= "I SAY, TOM, DO TAKE CARE! YOU NEARLY SHOT MY FATHER THEN!"

=Tom.= "'SH! DON'T SAY ANYTHING, THERE'S A GOOD FELLOW! TAKE A SHOT AT
MINE!!"

Illustration: Making Things Pleasant.

=Irishman= (_to English Sportsman_). "IS IT THROUTS? BE JABERS, THE
WATTHER'S STIFF WID 'EM!!!"

"_Regardless of strict truth, in his love of hyperbole and generous
desire to please," as our Friend recorded in his Diary after a blank
day._

Illustration: Angling Extraordinary.

=Customer= (_in a great hurry_). "A SMALL BOX OF GENTLES, PLEASE. AND LOOK
SHARP! I WANT TO CATCH A 'BUS'!!"

Illustration: "Happy Thought."

=Mistress= (_who had come down to see about the Bass Voice she had heard
in the Kitchen--Guardsman discovered!_). "O, YOU DECEITFUL GIRL, TO SAY
THERE WAS NOBODY HERE! AND AFTER I'D GIVEN YOU DISTINCTLY TO UNDERSTAND
I DIDN'T ALLOW 'FOLLOWERS'; AND HERE, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HERE A WEEK----"

=Cook.= "LAUKS, M'M, IT MUST BE ONE O' THE FOLLERERS AS THE LAST COOK LEFT
BE'IND 'ER!!"

Illustration: _Romance of the Kitchen._

=Cook= (_from the Area_). "O, 'LIZA, GI' ME MY WINIGRETTE--I'VE 'AD
A--OFFER--FROM THE DUSTMAN!!"

Illustration: "_Compliments of the Season._"

=Comely Housemaid.= "O, MR. JAMES, I'M SO FRIGHTENED IN THE RAILWAY!
SUPPOSE THE BILER WAS TO BUST!"

=Mr. James.= "THEN, MY DEAR, YOU'D BE A SINGIN' AMONG THE ANGELS IN ABOUT
TEN MINUTES!!"

Illustration: "Ready!"

=Emily.= "WHAT'S CAPITAL PUNISHMENT, MAMMA?"

=Master Harry.= "WHY, BEING LOCKED UP IN THE PANTRY! _I_ SHOULD CONSIDER
IT SO!"

Illustration: Dear, Dear Boy!

=George.= "OH! SHOULDN'T I JUST LIKE TO SEE SOMEBODY IN THAT DEN, AUNT!"

=Serious Aunt.= "YE-ES. DANIEL, I SUPPOSE, DEAR?"

=George.= "OH NO, AUNT; I MEAN 'OLD TWIGSBY,' OUR HEAD-MASTER!!"

Illustration: "Brother Brush."

=Ship-Painter.= "NICE DRYIN' WEATHER FOR OUR BUSINESS, AIN'T IT, SIR?"

=Amateur= (_disconcerted_). "YA-A-S!"----

_Takes a dislike to the place._

Illustration: "The Compliments of the (Sketching) Season."

=Papa.= "THERE, HENRY! IF YOU COULD DO LIKE THAT, I'D HAVE YOU _TAUGHT
DRAWING_, MY BOY!"

Illustration: A Pleasant Prospect.

=English Tourist.= "I SAY, LOOK HERE. HOW FAR IS IT TO THIS GLENSTARVIT?
THEY TOLD US IT WAS ONLY----"

=Native.= "ABOOT FOUR MILES."

=Tourist= (_aghast_). "ALL BOG LIKE THIS?"

=Native.= "EH--H--THIS IS JUST NAETHIN' TILL'T!!"

Illustration: Compliments of the Season.

=Squire= (_who interests himself with the Moral and Material Condition of
his Peasantry_). "HULLO, WOODRUFF! WHAT AN EYE YOU'VE GOT! HOW DID YOU
GET THAT?!"

=Labourer.= "O, IT'S NAWTHIN' PARTIC'LAR, SIR. LAST NIGHT--AT THE WHITE
'ART, SIR. BUT--(_in extenuation_)--CHRISHMASH TIME, SIR--ON'Y ONCE A
YEAR!"

Illustration: Two Sides to a Question.

=Squire.= "YOUR NAME SMITH?"

=Smith.= "YESSIR."

=Squire.= "AH, I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE THE MAN WHO GIVES SO MUCH TROUBLE TO MY
KEEPERS!"

=Smith.= "AX YER PARDON, SQUIRE, YOUR KEEPERS IS MUCH MORE TROUBLE TO
ME!"

Illustration: Suspicion!

=Stout Visitor= (_on discovering that, during his usual Nap after
Luncheon, he has been subjected to a grossly personal Practical Joke_).
"IT'S ONE O' THOSE DASHED ARTISTS THAT ARE STAYING AT THE 'LORD NELSON'
'A' DONE THIS, I KNOW!"

Illustration: Depression.

SCENE--_The Exchange. Industrial Centre._

=First Commercial Man= (_dryly_). "MORNIN'!"

=Second ditto= (_coldly_). "MORNIN'!"

=First C. M.= (_hopelessly_). "OWT?"

=Second ditto= (_mournfully_). "NOWT!"

=First C. M.= (_gloomily_). "MORNIN'!"

=Second ditto= (_despairingly_). "MORNIN'!"

_They part._

Illustration: Reductio ad Absurdum.

=Stout Party= (_the first time he went for his Dividends since his Aunt
left him that Legacy_). "WHERE DO YOU GO FOR THESE DIVIDEND WARRANTS?"

=Bank Beadle.= "WHAT STOCK, SIR?"

=Stout Party.= "WELL, THREE PER CENT. SOMETHING "----(_The word stuck in
his throat_).

=Bank Beadle.= "AH!--(_giving him the Information, and saying the word for
him_)--_REDOOCED,_ SIR!!"

_Stout Party sighs, and exit._

Illustration: "The More Haste the Less Speed."

=Intelligent Peasant= (_who has been overlooking our Artists with much
interest_). "YAR MATE'S A STAININ' O' HIS'N A'READY, SIR!"

Illustration: The Point of View.

=Tomkins= (_he has heard his friend Stodge talk so much about that lovely
spot Wobbleswick, whither he was going sketching, that he was induced to
accompany him. A day has elapsed, and he is awaking to the horror of his
situation!_) "SEEMS TO ME AN INFERN----I CALL IT RATHER A DULL PLACE!"

=Stodge.= "DULL, MY DEAR FELLOW! HOW CAN YOU SAY SO? LOOK AT THIS
BEAUTIFUL, BREEZY COMMON! AND THE LINES OF THOSE OLD HOUSES ON THE
BEACH, BREAKING THE HORIZON, AND THE COLOUR! AND THE JOLLY QUIET OF THE
PLACE! NONE O' YOUR BEASTLY BARREL-ORGANS OR GAPING TOURISTS SWARMING
ABOUT! I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE IT!!"

Illustration: "Lucus a Non" &c.

=Visitor.= "HOW LONG HAS YOUR MASTER BEEN AWAY?"

=Irish Footman.= "WELL, SORR, IF HE'D COME HOME YISTHERDAY, HE'D A' BEEN
GONE A WAKE TO-MORROW; BUT EV HE DOESN'T RETURN THE DAY AFTHER, SHURE
HE'LL A' BEEN AWAY A FORTNIGHT NEXT THORSDAY!!"

Illustration: Hyperbole.

=Saxon Sportsman.= "ANY SNIPE ABOUT HERE, MY MAN?"

=Pat.= "SNIPES, IS IT?! FAIX, THEY'RE GINERALLY JOSTLIN' 'ACH OTHER
HEREABOUTS!"

Illustration: Real Irish Grievance.

=Irish Model= (_requested to put on rather a dilapidated costume_). "THE
BLISSED SAINTS DIRICT ME INTO THIS COAT, SOR!"

Illustration: Our Inspection.

=Lieutenant-Colonel.= "HULLO! CONFOUND IT! THERE'S A MAN BLOWING HIS
NOSE--AND WITH A POCKET-HANDKERCHIEF, TOO! TUT-T-T-T-T!"

Illustration: Hunting Appointments.

=Scientific Colonel.= "ARE YOU GOING TO THE 'KRIEGSPIEL' TO-MORROW?"

=Cavalry Sub.= (_Hunting Man_). "AUGH! 'THINK NOT, SIR. AUGH! 'MEET
THE-ARE, DO THEY? NEVAR HEARD OF THE PLACE! WHERWE ON EARTH IS I--T?"!!

Illustration: Encouraging!

=Riding-Master= (_to Sub. belonging to one of the new Mounted Batteries_).
"WELL, SIR! YOU'RE ALL 'OF A HEAP' ON THE HORSE'S NECK--YOU'VE LOST YOUR
SWORD AND YOUR FORAGE-CAP, AND YOU'VE LOST YOUR STIRRUPS--AND----YOU'LL
LOSE YOURSELF NEXT!!"

Illustration: "It's an Ill Wind" &c.

=Sporting Sub.= "I SHOULD LIKE TO HAVE MY LEAVE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE,
COLONEL, FOR I'VE JUST HEARD MY FATHER'S HAD A BAD FALL OUT HUNTING."

=Colonel.= "DEAR ME! I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT! I HOPE HE'S NOT HURT!"

=Sporting Sub.= "OH, IT ISN'T THAT!--ONLY I WANT TO HAVE HIS HORSE!!"

Illustration: Particular!

=Adjutant of Volunteers= (_to Recruit_). "WELL, SIR, AND WHAT COMPANY DO
YOU WISH TO BE IN?"

=Recruit.= "AUGH! I'VE BEEN--AH--USED TO THE CO'PANY OF--AH--GE'TLEMEN,
SIR!!!!"

Illustration: The Last Word.

=Cabby= (_to stately Party, who has given him his legal Fare_). "MAKIN'
YER FORTUNE, SIR, NO DOUBT!"

=Swell= (_not exactly catching the Remark_). "EH?"

=Cabby.= "YOU'RE A LAYIN' BY A GOOD BIT O' MONEY, SIR, I'LL BE BOUND!"

=Swell= (_indignantly_). "What d'you mean, Sir?"

Cabby. "WHY YOU DON'T SPEND MUCH, SEEMIN'LY!"

_Drives off in triumph._

Illustration: A Dilemma.

=Cabby.= "ERE'S A GO, P'LICEMAN! WHAT AM I TO DO?--I VOS ORDERED TO TAKE
THESE 'ERE GENTS AS 'A BEEN A DININ' YOU SEE, TO THEIR 'SPECTABLE 'OMES,
VUN VOS FOR 'ANOVER SQUARE, ANOTHER FOR THE HALBANY, AND THE TOTHERS
ELSEVERES----VELL, THEY VOS ALL CAREFULLY SORTED VEN I STARTED, AN' NOW
THEY'VE BEEN AN' GONE AN' MIXED THE'RSELVES UP, AN' I DON'T KNOW VICH IS
VICH!!"

Illustration: Too True!

=Mamma.= "MY DEAR CHILD, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT DREADFUL SCRATCH ON YOUR
ARM?"

=Little Ada.= "OH, 'MA, IT WAS 'LISBETH'S BIG BRASS BROOCH WITH THE GREEN
GLASS IN IT, THAT THE TALL SOLDIER GAVE HER!"

Illustration: "Once for All."

=Mistress.= "BY THE WAY--ANNA--HANNAH--I'M NOT SURE. IS YOUR NAME ANNA, OR
HANNAH?"

=New Cook= (_tartly_). "WHICH MY NAME IS ANNA, MUM--HAICH, HA, HEN, HEN,
HA, HAICH,--'ANNA'"----

=Mistress= (_giving it up in despair_). "AH! THANK YOU."

Illustration: Up and Down Stairs.

=Young Mistress= (_at the Parlour Door_). "ELIZA, WHAT IS THAT BELL
RINGING FOR SO VIOLENTLY?"

=Cook= (_below_). "IT'S ON'Y ME, M'UM. I WANT YOU DOWN IN THE KITCHING A
MINUTE!!"

Illustration: Terms--Cash.

=Lady Bountiful.= "HERE, MY GOOD MAN, HERE'S A TICKET FOR THE ORGANISING
CHARITABLE RELIEF AND REPRESSING MENDI----"

=Professional Beggar= (_with a sneer_). "O, THANKY FOR NOTHINK, MUM,
_HOURS IS A READY MONEY BUSINESS_!"

Illustration: Gratitude.

=Fastidious Vagrant.= "AND THEY AIN'T 'ALF BUTTERED! I COULD 'A DONE AS
WELL IF I'D GONE UP THE LANE TO THE 'UNION!'"

Illustration: Music of the Future. Sensation Opera.

=Manager= (_to his Primo Tenore, triumphantly_). "MY DEAR FELLOW, I'VE
BROUGHT YOU THE SCORE OF THE NEW OPERA. WE'VE ARRANGED SUCH A SCENE FOR
YOU IN THE THIRD ACT! O' BOARD OF THE PIRATE SCREW, AFTER THE
KEELHAULING SCENE, YOU KNOW! HEAVY ROLLING SEA, EH?--YES, AND WE CAN
HAVE SOME REAL SPRAY PUMPED ON TO YOU FROM THE FIRE-ENGINE! VOLUMES OF
SMOKE FROM THE FUNNEL, CLOSE BEHIND YOUR HEAD--IN FACT, YOU'LL BE
ENVELOPED AS YOU RUSH ON TO THE BRIDGE! AND THEN YOU'LL SING THAT LOVELY
BARCAROLLE THROUGH THE SPEAKING-TRUMPET! AND MIND YOU HOLD TIGHT, AS THE
SHIP BLOWS UP JUST AS YOU COME UPON YOUR HIGH D IN THE LAST BAR!!!"

Illustration: Club Law.

=Waiter.= "DID YOU RING, SIR?"

=Member= (_trying to be calm_). "YES. WILL YOU WAKE THIS GENTLEMAN, AND
SAY I SHOULD BE OBLIGED IF HE'D LET ME HAVE THE _SPECTATOR_, IF HE'S NOT
READING IT."

_Old Wacklethorpe has been asleep, with the Paper firmly clutched, for
the last two hours._

Illustration: "'High' Life Below Stairs!"

=Master= (_sniffing_). "THERE'S A MOST EXTRAORDINARY SMELL, JAMES. I'VE
NOTICED IT SEVERAL----"

=Hall Porter.= "I DON'T WONDER AT IT, SIR. I'VE SPOKE ABOUT IT
DOWN-STAIRS. THE BUTLER, SIR, YOU SEE IS ''IGH CHURCH,' WHICH HE 'AS FIT
UP A HORATORY IN THE PANTRY, AND BURNS HINCENSE. WE COULD STAND THAT;
BUT THE COOK IS THE 'LOW CHURCH' PERSUASION, AND SHE BURNS BROWN PAPER
TO HOBVIATE THE HINCENSE. IT'S PERFECTLY HAWFUL ON SAINTS' DAYS,
SIR!!!"

Illustration: Wages and Wives.

=Philanthropic Farmer.= "WELL, TOMKINS, AFTER THIS WEEK, INSTEAD OF PAYING
YOU PARTLY IN CIDER, I SHALL GIVE YOU TWO SHILLINGS EXTRA WAGES."

=Tomkins.= "NO, THANKY', MASTER; THAT WON'T DO FOR ME!"

=Farmer.= "WHY, MAN, YOU'LL BE THE GAINER; FOR THE CIDER YOU HAD WASN'T
WORTH TWO SHILLINGS!"

=Tomkins. ="AH, BUT YOU SEE I DRINKS THE CIDER MYSELF; BUT THE OW'D OOMAN
'LL 'EV THE TWO SHILLUN'!!"

Illustration: Pursuit o' Knowledge!

=First Agricultural= (_quite a Year after our Branch had been Opened_).
"WHAT BE THEY POST-ES VUR, MAS'R SAM'L?"

=Second Ditto= (_Wag of the Village_). "WHY, TO CARRY THE TELEGRAFT
WOIRES, GEARGE!"

=First Ditto.= "WHAT BE THE WOIRES VUR, THEN?"

=Second Ditto.= "WHAT BE THE WOIRES FUR? WHY, TO HOOLD UP THE POST-ES,
SART'N'Y, GEARGE."!!!

Illustration: A Nice Prospect!

=Traveller= (_benighted in the Black Country_). "NOT A BEDROOM DISENGAGED!
TUT-T-T-T!"

=Landlady= (_who is evidently in the Coal Business as well_). "OH, WE'LL
ACCOMMODATE YOU SOMEHOW, SIR, IF ME AND MY 'USBAND GIVES YOU UP OUR OWN
BED, SIR!"

Illustration: Boon Companions!

=Bargee.= "WHAT! GE-ARGE!"

_Rustic grins in response._

=Bargee.= "I'M ALLUS MAIN GLAD TO SEE THEE, GE-ARGE!"

=Rustic.= "WHOY?"

=Bargee.= "'CAUSE I KNOW THERE MUST BE A PUBLIC-'OUSE CLOSE BY!"

Illustration: Bereaved.

=First Pitman.= "THOU HESSENT BEEN AT THE TOUN LATELY, GEORDIE. HOO'S
THAT, MAN?"

=Second Pitman.= "THOU KNAWS THE DOG'S DEED, AND AW KENNET GETTEN ANOTHER;
AN' A CHAP LECKS SA FOND WITOUT A DOG!"

Illustration: Geology.

=Scientific Pedestrian.= "DO YOU FIND ANY FOSSILS HERE?"

=Excavator.= "DUNNO WHAT YUH CALLS 'VOSSULS.' WE FINDS NOWT HERE BUT MUCK
AND 'ARD WORK!"

Illustration: The Morning Concert.

=Swell= (_doesn't care for music himself_). "MY DEAR, IS
THIS--AH--(_yawns_)--TE-DIUM OVAR?"!!

Illustration: A Cool Card.

=Swell= (_handing "Sporting Life" to Clerical Party_). "AW--WOULD
YOU--AW--DO ME THE FAVOUR TO WEAD THE LIST OF THE WACES TO ME WHILE
WE'RE WUNNING DOWN?--I'VE--AW--FORGOTTEN MY EYEGLASS. DON'T MIND WAISING
YOUR VOICE--I'M PWECIOUS DEAF!"

Illustration: "Relapse."

=Squire.= "WHY, PAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, STANDING BY THE WALL OF THE
PUBLIC-HOUSE? I THOUGHT YOU WERE A TEETOTALLER!"

=Pat.= "YES, YER HONNOR. I'M JUST LISTENIN' TO THEM IMPENITENT BOYS
DRINKING INSIDE!"

Illustration: "_In Confidence._"

=Hungry Customer.= "'TAINT BAD."

=Chef.= "GLAD YOU LIKE IT; FOR, TO TELL YER THE TRUTH, A'THOUGH I'VE BEEN
A MAKIN' O' THIS SOUP FOR FIFTEEN YEAR, I AIN'T NEVER TASTED IT
MYSELF!!"

Illustration: "_The Struggle for Existence._"

=Darwinian Coster= (_to thrifty Housewife_). "WELL, FISH IS DEAR, MUM; YOU
SEE IT'S A-GETTIN' WERY SCA'CE IN CONSEKENCE O' THESE 'ERE AQUERIUNS!"

Illustration: _A Satisfactory Character._

Mrs. Brisket (_about the Squire's new Bride_). "OH, YES, MUM, SHE COME
IN 'ERE YESTERDAY, MUM. BLESS YER! A PUFFECT LADY. MUM! DON'T KNOW ONE
J'INT O' MEAT FROM ANOTHER, MUM!!"

Illustration: _Hard Up on a Wet Day._

=Richard.= "WHAT ARE YOU RINGING FOR, BOB?"

=Robert.= "THE BEEF!"

=Richard.= "YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO EAT BEEF AGAIN, BOB, ARE YOU? WHY IT
ISN'T HALF-AN-HOUR SINCE BREAKFAST!"

=Robert.= "WELL, I'M NOT EXACTLY HUNGRY, BUT ONE MUST DO SOMETHING!"

Illustration: _Incombinable Elements._

=First Medical Student.= "WHAT ARE YOU SIGHING FOR, JACK?"

Second Ditto. "UGH! I WAS THINKING OF THAT INFERNAL CHEMISTRY CRAM
TO-MORROW, AND WHAT A DEUCED PRETTY GIRL I SAW IN GOWER STREET JUST
NOW!!"

Illustration: A Desperate Case!

=First Driver.= "HOW'S POOR BOB?"

=Second Driver.= "OH, HE'S A GOOD DEAL BETTER--TAKES HIS _LOTIONS_ MORE
REG'LAR----"

=First Driver= (_reassured_). "AH!"

Illustration: "Bon Voyage!"

=Bus-Conductor= (_to Portly Female, who was indignant at having been
carried a little beyond her destination_). "WELL, THERE Y'ARE, MUM, FUST
TO YER LEFT. Y'AINT GOT SO VERY FAR TO GO, AND THE _WIND'S AT YER
BACK_!!"

Illustration: _Personal!_

=Driver= (_impatient_). "NOW THEN, BILL!"

=Conductor.= "O, LOOK ALIVE, PLEASE, M'M! (_To the Driver._) CAN'T HELP
IT! ALL IN THE 'ANTIQUE' LINE THIS MORNIN'! 'ERE'S THREE MORE ON 'EM!"
_"'Antique,' indeed! Odious Wretch!" thought one of the parties alluded
to._

Illustration: "_The Conscience Clause_"

=Rector's Wife.= "AND WHAT'S YOUR FATHER, MY BOY?"

=Boy.= "MY FATHER'S A 'HAGITATOR,' AN' HE SAYS HE WON'T HAVE ME LEARNT NO
CATECHISM, 'R ELSE YOU'LL ALL OF YER EAR OV IT!"

Illustration: _Education._

=Squire.= "HOBSON, THEY TELL ME YOU'VE TAKEN YOUR BOY AWAY FROM THE
NATIONAL SCHOOL. WHAT'S THAT FOR?"

=Villager.= "'CAUSE THE MASTER AIN'T FIT TO TEACH UN!"

=Squire.= "O, I'VE HEARD HE'S A VERY GOOD MASTER."

=Villager.= "WELL, ALL I KNOWS IS, HE WANTED TO TEACH MY BOY TO SPELL
'TATERS' WITH A 'P'!!!"

Illustration: "Exempli Gratia."

=Ancient Mariner= (_to credulous Yachtsman_). "A'MIRAL LORD NELSON! BLESS
YER, I KNOWED HIM; SERVED UNDER HIM. MANY'S THE TIME I'VE AS'ED HIM FOR
A BIT O' 'BACCO, AS I MIGHT BE A ASTIN' O' YOU; AND SAYS HE, 'WELL, I
'AIN'T GOT NO 'BACCO,' JEST AS YOU MIGHT SAY TO ME; 'BUT HERE'S A
SHILLIN' FOR YER,' SAYS HE"!!

Illustration: Dignity.

=Shipping Clerk.= "ARE YOU THE MATE O' THE '_MAGGIE LAUDER_,' OF
STONEHAVEN?"

=Mate= (_sternly_). "ASK IF I'M THE FIR-R-R-ST OFFICER, YOUNG MAN, AN'
MAYBE I'LL GIE YE AN ANSWER!"

Illustration: _A Woman-Hater._

=Spiteful Old Party= (_who is tarring the Stays of the Flagstaff_).
"STRIPED GOWNDS SEEM ALL THE 'GO' WITH 'EM, EH? (_Chuckles._) I'LL
STRIPE 'EM! PUT A EXTRA STREAK O' ILE IN, O' PURPOSE--WON'T DRY FOR A
MONTH! COME LOLLOPIN' ABOUT HERE WITH THEIR CRIN'LYNES AN' TR'INES, THEY
MUST TAKE THE CONSEKENSES!!"

Illustration: _When You are About it._

=Magister Familias= (_parting with his Butler_). "HERE IS THE LETTER,
FLANAGAN. I CAN CONSCIENTIOUSLY SAY YOU ARE HONEST AND ATTENTIVE, BUT I
SHOULD HAVE TO STRETCH A POINT IF I WERE TO SAY YOU ARE SOBER."

=Mr. Flanagan.= "THANK YOU, SOR. BUT WHEN YOU _ARE_ AFTHER STHRITCHIN' A
POINT, SOR, WOULDN'T YOU, PLASE, STHRITCH IT A LITTLE FURTHER, AND SAY
I'M _AFTEN_ SOBER!!"

Illustration: _Sympathy._

=Epicurus.= "PAH! O, GOOD GRACIOUS, MIVINS, THAT LAST OYSTER WAS--UGH!"

=Butler= (_with feeling_). "T-T-T-T--DEAR ME! CORKED, SIR?!!"

Illustration: _The Run of the House._

=First Flunkey.= "WON'T YOU COME IN, JOHN, AND TAKE SOMETHING?"

=Second Ditto.= "THANKS, NO; I'LL LOOK YOU UP NEXT WEEK. 'BE ON
BOARD-WAGES THEN, YOU KNOW!"

Illustration: "_What Next?_"

=Mistress= (_to New Housemaid_). "JANE, I'M QUITE SURPRISED TO HEAR YOU
CAN'T READ OR WRITE! I'M SURE ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS WOULD GLADLY UNDERTAKE
TO TEACH YOU----"

=Maid.= "O, LOR', MUM, IF THE YOUNG LADIES WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO LEARN ME
ANYTHING, I SHOULD SO LIKE TO PLAY THE PIANNER."!!

Illustration: "_The Servants._"

=Cook.= "YES, SUSAN, I'M A WRITIN' TO MARY HANN MIGGS. SHE'VE APPLIED TO
ME FOR THE CHARICTER OF MY LAST MISSUS, WHICH SHE'S THINKIN' OF TAKIN'
THE SITIWATION----" =Susan.= "WILL YOU GIVE HER ONE?"

=Cook.= "WELL, I'VE SAID THIS. (_Reads._) 'MRS. PERKSITS PRESENTS HER
COMPLIMINKS TO MISS MIGGS, AND BEGS TO INFORM HER THAT I CONSIDER MRS.
BROWN A RESPEK'ABLE YOUNG PERSON, AND ONE AS KNOWS HER DOOTIES; BUT SHE
CAN'T CONSHESALY RECOMMEND HER TEMPER, WHICH I HAD TO PART WITH HER ON
THAT ACCOUNT.' IT'S ALLUS BEST TO BE CANDIED, YOU KNOW, SUSAN!"

Illustration: _Quite Superfluous._

=Stout Passenger= (_obstreperously_). "HOY! HOY! HOY!!"

=Bus-Driver.= "ALL RIGHT, SIR, WE CAN SEE YER, SIR; WE CAN SEE YER VITH
THE NAKED EYE, SIR!"

Illustration: "_Noblesse Oblige._"

=Stodge= (_in answer to the reproachful look of his Cabman_). "WELL, IT'S
YOUR RIGHT FARE; YOU KNOW THAT AS WELL AS I DO!"

=Cabby.= "OH! WHICH I'M WELL AWARE O' THAT, SIR! BUT----("_more in sorrow
than in anger_")--AN' YOU A ARTIS', SIR!!"

_Gets another Shilling!_

Illustration: _The Beard Movement._

=Policeman= (_invidiously_). "IT'S PUFFECTLY HOPTIONAL VITH US, YOU KNOW!"

(_"The Hairs them P'licemen give theirselves," John remarked afterwards,
in the Servants' Hall._)

Illustration: _Too Late._

=Departing Guest.= "BUT MY HAT WAS A BRAN-NEW ONE!"

=Greengrocer= (_Footman for the nonce_). "OH, SIR! THE SECOND-BEST 'ATS A'
BEEN GONE 'ALF-AN-HOUR AGO, SIR!"

Illustration: _Music in the Midlands._

=Intelligent Youth of Country Town.= "AH SAY, BILL, ULL THAT BE T' ELIJAH
GOIN' OOP I' THAT BIG BOX?!"

Illustration: _A Perfect Excuse._

=Rector= (_to his Keeper_). "'MORNING, WOODGATE. DIDN'T I SEE YOU AT
CHURCH YESTERDAY?"

=Keeper= (_apologetically_). "YES, SIR. BUT--I FELT I WAS A DOIN' WRONG
ALL THE TIME, SIR!"

Illustration: "_Fahrenheit._"

=Rector.= "AH, WE SHALL BE COMFORTABLE THIS MORNING, GRUFFLES, I SEE
YOU'VE GOT THE TEMPERATURE UP NICELY. SIXTY, I DECLARE!"

=Clerk.= "YES, SIR, I ALLUS HEV A TROUBLE TO GET THAT THING UP. I TOOK AND
WARMED IT JEST THIS MINUTE!"

Illustration: _Pleasuring!_

=Vicar= (_to Old Lady, who is returning from a Funeral_). "WELL, MARTHA,
I'M AFRAID YOU'VE HAD A SAD AFTERNOON. IT HAS BEEN A LONG WALK, TOO, FOR
YOU----"

=Martha.= "SURE-LY, 'TIS, SIR! AH, SIR, 'TAIN'T MUCH PLEASURE NOW FOR ME
TO GO TO FUNERALS; I BE TOO OLD AND FULL O' RHEUMATIZ. IT WAS VERY
DIFFERENT WHEN WE WAS YOUNG--THAT 'TWER!!"

Illustration: _Awkward!_

FLITHERS SPENDS HIS CHRISTMAS AT A COUNTRY HOUSE, AND THE FIRST DAY, ON
THE LADIES LEAVING THE TABLE AFTER DINNER, HE JUMPS UP, AND OPENS THE
_WRONG DOOR_!!

Illustration: _He Thought He was Safe_

=Irascible Old Gentleman.= "BUY A COMB! WHAT THE DEVIL SHOULD I BUY A COMB
FOR! YOU DON'T SEE ANY HAIR ON MY HEAD, DO YOU?"

=Unlicensed Hawker.= "LOR' BLESS YER, SIR!--YER DON'T WANT NO 'AIR ON YER
'EAD FOR A TOOTH-COMB!!"

Illustration: _Hygiene._

=Hearty Old Gentleman= (_to dyspeptic Friend_). "DOESN'T AGREE WITH YOU?!
OH, I NEVER LET ANYTHING OF THAT SORT BOTHER ME! I ALWAYS EAT WHAT I
LIKE, AND DRINK WHAT I LIKE, AND FINISH OFF WITH A GOOD STIFF GLASS O'
GROG AT BED-TIME, AND GO FAST ASLEEP, _AN' LET 'M FIGHT 'T OUT 'MONG
'MSELVES_!!!"

Illustration: _Considerate Criticism._

=Rustic= (_to his friend_). "WA--AT, THA'S BETTER THAN DOIN' O' NAWTH'N'.
I S'POOS', GEARGE!!"

Illustration: "_The Finishing Touch!_"

=Farmer= (_who has been most Obliging, and taken great Interest in the
Picture_). "GOOD MORN'N', SIR! BUT--(_aghast_)--I SAY, WHAT ARE YOU A
DOIN' OF, MISTER?! A P'INTIN' ALL THEM BEASTLY POPPIES IN MY CORN!--'A
BIT O' COLOUR?'--WHAT 'OULD MY LANDLORD SAY, D' YOU THINK?--AND AFTER
I'D PUT OFF CUTTIN' CAUSE YOU HADN'T FINISHED, TO OBLIGE YER, I DIDN'T
THINK YOU'D A DONE IT! YOU DON'T COME A P'INTIN' ON MY LAND ANY MORE!"
_Exit, in great dudgeon._

Illustration: _A Fortiori._

=Ticket Collector.= "NOW, THEN, MAKE HASTE! WHERE'S YOUR TICKET?"

=Bandsman= (_refreshed_). "AU'VE LOST IT!"

=Ticket Collector.= "NONSENSE! FEEL IN YOUR POCKETS. YE CANNOT HEV LOST
IT!"

=Bandsman.= "AW CANNOT?! WHY, MAN, AU'VE LOST THE _BIG DRUM_!"

Illustration: "_Nae That Fou!_"

=Country Gentlemen= (_who thought he'd got such a treasure of a new
Gardener_). "TUT, TUT, TUT! BLESS MY SOUL, SAUNDERS! HOW--WHAT'S ALL
THIS? DISGRACEFULLY INTOXICATED AT THIS HOUR OF THE MORNING! AIN'T YOU
ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?!"

=Saunders.= "'SH-HAMED? (_Hic._) NA, NA, 'M NAE SAE DRUNK AS THAT COMES
T'! AH KEN VARRA WEEL WHAT A'M ABOOT!!"

Illustration: Hibernian Veracity.

=Paterfamilias= (_with his Family in Ireland_). "HAVE YOU ANY WEST INDIA
PICKLES, WAITER?"

=Paddy.= "WE'VE NOT, SOR."

=Paterfamilias.= "NO HOT PICKLES OF ANY DESCRIPTION?"

=Paddy.= "NO; SHURE THEY'RE ALL COULD, SOR."

Illustration: Quite Another Thing.

=Paddy= (_the loser_). "ABRAM, G'ALONG! I SAID I'D LAY YOU FOIVE TO WAN,
BUT I WASN'T GOIN' TO BET MY HA'F-CROWN AGIN YOUR TATH'RIN LITTLE
SIXPENCE!"

_Exeunt fighting._

Illustration: A Fair Offer.

=Athletic Barman.= "NOW, IF YOU DON'T TAKE YOURSELF OFF, I'LL PRECIOUS
SOON TURN YOU OUT!"

=Pat= (_with a yell_). "TUR-R-RN ME OUT? IS IT TUR-R-RN ME OUT? THIN,
BEDAD! COME OUTSIDE, AN' TUR-R-RN ME OUT!!"

Illustration: "The Way We Live Now."

=Swell Coachman= (_with his eye on the Brougham's cockade_). "YOUR GUV'NER
IN THE ARMY?"

=Brougham= (_artlessly_). "NOT 'ZACTLY IN THE HARMY. BUT MISSIS SAY AS
THEY SOLD MILINGTARY CUR'OSITIES WHEN THEY KEP' A SHOP IN 'OLBORN!!"

Illustration: Re-Assuring.

=Nervous Old Lady= (_Band in the Distance_). "OH, THERE ARE THOSE DREADFUL
VOLUNTEERS, JOSEPH! I KNOW THE HORSE WILL TAKE FRIGHT! HADN'T YOU BETTER
TURN HIM ROUND?!"

=Coachman= (_who will have his own way_). "OH, LET 'IM ALONE, 'M; HE'LL
TURN 'ISSELF ROUND, AND PRETTY QUICK, TOO, IF HE'S FRIGHTENED!!"

Illustration: Well Meant.

=Shoeblack= (_to daily Customer_). "SUCH A TREAT WE'VE GOT TO-NIGHT, SIR!
TEA AN' BUNS, AN' SPEECHES AT EXETER 'ALL! WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO GO,
SIR?"

=City Magnate.= "OH, THEY WOULDN'T LET ME IN, MY BOY."

=Shoeblack.= "UM!" (_Ponders._) "WELL--LOOK 'ERE. I THINK I COULD SMUG YER
IN AS MY _FATHER_!!"

Illustration: Nature and Art.

=Pedestrian.= "THAT'S AN EXTRAORDINARY LOOKING DOG, MY BOY. WHAT DO YOU
CALL HIM?"

=Boy.= "FUST OF ALL HE WER' A GREY'OUND, SIR, AN' 'IS NAME WAS 'FLY,' AS'
THEN THEY CUT 'IS EARS AN' TAIL OFF, AN' MADE A MASTI' DOG ON 'IM, AN'
NOW 'IS NAME'S 'LION'!"

Illustration: Natural Advantages.

=Teacher.= "WHAT BIRD DID NOAH SEND OUT OF THE ARK?"

=Smallest Boy In the Class= (_after a Pause_). "A DOVE, SIR."

=Teacher.= "VERY WELL. BUT I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT SOME OF YOU BIG BOYS
WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT!"

=Tall Pupil.= "PLEASE, SIR, THAT BOY OUGHT TO KNOW, SIR, 'CAUSE HIS
FATHER'S A BIRD-KETCHER, SIR!!!"

Illustration: The Restraints of Society.

=Juvenile Bohemian.= "HATE GOIN' OUT TO TEA! 'HAVE TO BE GOOD SUCH A
PRECIOUS LONG TIME!!"

Illustration: Simple Addition.

=New Governess.= "WHY ARE YOU STARING SO INTENTLY, BLANCHE, DEAR?"

=Blanche.= "I WAS TRYING TO COUNT THE FRECKLES ON YOUR FACE, MISS
SANDYPOLE, BUT I CAN'T!"

Illustration: Secrets.

=Intelligent Housemaid.= "OH, PLEASE, MISS, THERE WAS A YOUNG GENTLEMAN
CALLED WHEN YOU WAS OUT. HE DIDN'T LEAVE NO CARD, MISS; BUT I CAN SHOW
YOU WHO HE IS, 'CAUSE THERE'S THREE OF HIS PHOTYGRAPHS IN YOUR ALBUM."

Illustration: "A Parthian Shaft."

=Cook.= "NOW, I'M A LEAVIN' OF YER, M'UM, I MAY AS WELL TELL YER AS THE
KEY O' THE KITCHING-DOOR FITS YOUR STORE-ROOM!"

Illustration: Sweet Simplicity.

=Visitor.= "JANE, HAS YOUR MISTRESS GOT A BOOT-JACK?"

=Maid-of-all-Work.= "NO, SIR; PLEASE, SIR, I CLEAN ALL THE BOOTS, SIR!"


Illustration: Master of the Situation?!

SCENE--_Mr. Tethershort's Sanctum._ ENTER _Mrs. T. and her Cook._

=Cook= (_with her usual promptitude--SHE never kept anybody waiting_).
"OH, IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, I WISH TO COMPLAIN OF MISSIS! WHICH SHE COME A
DICTATERIN' AND A HINTERFERIN' IN YOUR KITCHING IN A WAY AS I'M SURE YOU
WOULDN'T APPROVE ON," &C., &C., &C.!!

_T. confesses he felt (for the first and last time) a delicious
sensation of being apparently master in his own house. She was an
admirable Cook, and altogether a most excell---- BUT HOWEVER SHE HAD TO
GO_!

Illustration: Manners!

=Young Mistress.= "JANE, I'M SURPRISED THAT NONE OF YOU STOOD UP WHEN I
WENT INTO THE KITCHEN JUST NOW!"

=Jane.= "INDEED, MUM! WHICH WE WAS SU'PRISED OURSELVES AT YOUR A COMIN'
INTO THE KITCHING WHILE WE WAS A 'AVIN' OUR _LUNCHEONS_!!"

Illustration: A Regular Turk!

=Adjutant.= "WELL, SERGEANT, HOW'S YOUR PRISONER GETTING ON?"

=Sergeant of the Guard.= "BEDAD, SOR, HE'S THE VI'LENTEST BLAGGYARD I IVER
HAD TO DO WID! WE'RE ALL IN TIRROR IV OUR LOIVES! SHURE WE'RE OBLIGED TO
FEED HIM WID FIXED BAY'NITS!"

Illustration: "Incidit in Scyllam," &c.

=Ensign Muffles= (_alluding to his Moustache_). "YOU SEE, SOME SAY, 'WEAR
IT,' YOU KNOW; AND SOME SAY, 'CUT IT OFF,' YOU KNOW; BUT IF I TOOK
EVERYBODY'S ADVICE I SHOULD BE LIKE THE OLD MAN AND HIS DONKEY."

=Sergeant O'Rourke.= "YOUR'R HON'RR WOULD--(BUT NOT WISHING TO BE PERSONAL
ABOUT HIS OFFICER'S AGE) THAT IS--LASTE-WAYS,--BARRIN THE OULD MAN, YOUR
HON-R-R-R!!!"

Illustration: What H. M. Civil Servants have to Endure.

(BESIDES THE RIDICULOUSLY LOW SALARIES.)

=Mr. Registrar.= "WHAT'S THE NUMBER OF YOUR DEED, SIR?"

=Attorney's Clerk.= "H-eight, H-ought H-eight, H-ought, Sevin, Sir!"

=Mr. Registrar= (_faintly_). "OH DEAR! OH DEAR!--(NOTES DOWN THE
NUMBER)--THAT WILL DO."

_And is so upset that he takes a month's holiday on the spot._

Illustration: Curious.

=English Tourist= (_in Ireland_). "TELL ME, WAITER, AT WHAT HOUR DOES THE
FIRST TRAIN LEAVE FOR CLONMEL?"

=Waiter.= "IS IT THE FURRST THRAIN, SOR? I'M NOT RIGHTLY SHURE. THE NOINE
THRAIN UP USED TO LAVE AT HA'F-PAST NOINE--BUT FAIX IT GOES AT TIN NOW,
AND THERE'S NO FURRST THRAIN NOW AT ALL AT ALL. BUT I'LL AX AT THE BAR,
SORR!!"

Illustration: Anything for a Change.

=Artist= (_to Old Fellow-Student_). "AND WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL
THESE YEARS,--WHAT ARE YOU PAINTING?"

=Swell.= "OH, I GAVE UP PAINTING, MY DEAR FELLOW--THEN I TOOK TO TEACHING!
BUT YOU CAN'T FIND PUPILS IN GENIUS, YOU KNOW, SO NOW I GO IN FOR ART
CRITICISM! I KNOW I'M STRONG IN THAT! DID YOU SEE MY ARTICLE IN THIS
WEEK'S 'NOW A DAYS?'"

Illustration: Appearances.

=Plushington.= "I SAY, STODGE, SINGULAR THING--YOUR LANDLADY ADDRESSED ME
'MY LORD' WHEN I ASKED IF YOU WERE WITHIN!"

=Artist.= "NOT AT ALL, MY DEAR FELLOW. IT'S YOUR HAT AND PERSONAL
APPEARANCE! IF YOU DON'T MIND, WE'LL ENCOURAGE THE IDEA. IT WILL GIVE
HER CONFIDENCE IN ME, AND----EH?"

_Plushington will be delighted._

Illustration: From One Point of View.

SCENE--_British Jury Room. All agreed on their Verdict except_----

=Irish Juryman= (_who holds out_). "AH, THIN, ILIV'N MORE OBSTINIT' MEN I
NIVIR MET IN ALL ME LOIFE!!"

Illustration: Our Art-School Conversazione

AT WHICH (IN CONSEQUENCE OF THE INCREASED SPACE ANTICIPATED AT THE R. A.
EXHIBITION) THERE IS A GREATER CROWD THAN USUAL.

=Model= (_who has charge of the Hats and Coats_). "NO. 97? YESSIR. THERE
NOW! IF I DIDN'T SEE THAT 'AT--AH--NOT A QUARTER OF AN HOUR AGO!!"

_Not a very satisfactory look-out for Bouncefield, who has barely time
to catch his last train!_

Illustration: Between Two Shoeblacks We Fall to, &c.

=First Shoeblack.= "I COTCHED 'OLD ON 'IM FUST!"

=Second Ditto.= "YOU'RE A ----!"

_Old Gentleman is flung heavily._

Illustration: Im-pertinent.

=Stout Gent.= (_naturally suspicious of the Street Boy_). "GE' OUT O' MY
WAY, YOU YOUNG RASCAL!"

=Street Boy.= "VICH VAY ROUND, GOV'NOUR?"

Illustration: Register! Register!!

=Aunt Sophy.= "NOW SUPPOSE, GEORGE, AS A SINGLE WOMAN I SHOULD HAVE MY
NAME PUT ON THE REGISTER, WHAT SHOULD I GET BY IT?"

=Pet Nephew.= "OH, A GOOD DEAL. YOU'D BE ALLOWED TO SERVE ON CORONER
JURIES, COMMON JURIES, ANNOYANCE JURIES, PAY POWDER TAX AND ARMORIAL
BEARINGS, ACT AS PARISH BEADLE AND NIGHT CONSTABLE OF THE CASUAL WARD,
AND INSPECTOR OF NUISANCES, REPORT ON FEVER DISTRICTS, AND ALL JOLLY
THINGS OF THAT SORT."

Illustration: "Not Proven."

=Presbyterian Minister.= "DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S WICKED TO CATCH FISH ON THE
SAWBATH!?"

=Small Boy= (_not having had a rise all the Morning_). "WHA'S CATCHIN'
FESH?!"

Illustration: An Evening's Fishing (Behind the Distillery at Sligo).

=First Factory Lad.= "DOM'NICK, DID YOU GET E'ER A BITE AT ALL?"

=Second Ditto.= "SORRA WAN, PAT. ONLY WAN SMALL WAN!"

=First Ditto.= "YERRAD! LAVE IT THERE, AN' COME HOME. SHURE
YOU'LL GET MORE THAN THAT IN BED!"

Illustration: "The Harp in the Air."

=Irish Gentleman= (_who has vainly endeavoured to execute a Jig to the
fitful Music of the Telegraph Wires_). "SHURE! WHOIVER Y'ARE YE CAN'T
PLAY A BIT! HOW CAN A JINTLEMAN DANCE--(_hic!_)--IV YE DON'T KAPE
THIME?"!!

Illustration: Irish Ideal of Themis.

=Biddy= (_to Pat in charge about a difficulty_). "NEVER FEAR, PAT! SHURE
Y'AVE GOT AN UPRIGHT JIDGE TO THRY YE!"

=Pat.= "AH, BIDDY DARLIN', THE DIVEL AN UPRIGHT JIDGE I WANT! 'TIS WONE
THAT'LL _LANE_ A LITTLE!!"

Illustration: "Canny."

=First North Briton.= "'T'S A FINE DAY, THIS?"

=Second Ditto.= "NO ILL, AVA."

=First North Briton.= "YE'LL BE TRAVELLIN'?"

=Second Ditto.= "WEEL, MAYBE I'M NO."

=First North Briton.= "GAUN T'ABERDEEN, MAYBE?"

=Second Ditto.= "YE'RE NO FAUR AFF'T!!"

_Mutually satisfied, each goes his respective way._

Illustration: _Irish Architecture._

=Angler= (_in Ireland_). "HULLO, PAT, WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT NOW?"

=Pat.= "SHURE, I'M RAISIN' ME ROOF A BIT, YER HONOUR-R!!"

Illustration: _Thrift_.

=Peebles Body= (_to Townsman who was supposed to be in London on a
visit_). "E--EH, MAC! YE'RE SUNE HAME AGAIN!"

=Mac.= "E--EH, IT'S JUST A RUINOUS PLACE, THAT! MUN, A HAD NA' BEEN
THE-ERRE ABUNE TWA HOOURS WHEN--_BANG_--WENT _SAXPENCE_!!!"

Illustration: _Scruples._

=English Tourist= (_having arrived at Greenock on Sunday morning_). "MY
MAN, WHAT'S YOUR CHARGE FOR ROWING ME ACROSS THE FRITH?"

=Boatman.= "WEEL, SIR, I WAS JIST THINKIN' I CANNA BREAK THE SAWBATH-DAY
FOR NO LESS THAN F'FTEEN SHULL'N'S!!"

Illustration: A Bad Season.

=Sportsman.= "I CAN ASSURE YOU, WHAT WITH THE RENT OF THE MOOR, AND MY
EXPENSES, AND 'WHAT NOT,' THE BIRDS HAVE COST ME--AH--A SOVEREIGN
APIECE!!"

=Keeper.= "A' weel, Sir! 'Deed it's a Maircy ye didna Kill na mair o'
'em!!"

Illustration: "Familiarity breeds Contempt."

=Keeper= (_who wants to drive the Pheasants to the Squire's corner_).
"HOOO-O-O-SH! HERE, BILL, COME HERE! THEY 'ON'T GET UP FOR ME! THEY KNOW
ME TOO WELL!"

Illustration: Intelligent!

=Artist= (_who thinks he has found a good Model for his TOUCHSTONE_.)
"HAVE YOU ANY SENSE OF HUMOUR, MR. BINGLES?"

=Model.= "THANK Y' SIR, NO, SIR, THANK Y'. I ENJ'YS PRETTY GOOD 'EALTH,
SIR, THANK Y' SIR!"

Illustration: The "Nimble Ninepence."

=City Gent= (_after a critical Inspection_). "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR THAT
MOONLIGHT?"

=Picture-Dealer.= "I'LL SHELL YER THE TWO A BARGAIN, SHIR! CHEAP ASH DIRT,
SHIR! SHEVENTY-FIVE GUINEASH APEICSHE, SHIR! I'LL WARRANT 'EM UNDOUBTED
SMETHERS'S. SHEVENTY-FIVE----"

=City Gent.= "O, COME, I DON'T MIND GIVING YOU--THIRTY SHILLINGS FOR THE
PAIR."

=Picture-Dealer= (_closing with alacrity_). "DONE! WITH YOU, SHIR!!"

_City Gent is in for 'em!_

Illustration: Menace.

=Little Angler= (_to her refractory Bait_). "KEEP STILL, YOU TIRESOME
LITTLE THING! IF YOU DON'T LEAVE OFF SKRIGGLING, I'LL THROW YOU AWAY,
AND TAKE ANOTHER!"

Illustration: "A Thing of Beauty."

=Visitor.= "WELL, GEORGE, AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN TO BE, WHEN YOU HAVE GROWN
UP?"

=George= (_promptly_). "AN ARTIST!"

=Visitor.= "WELL, THEN, YOU SHALL PAINT MY PORTRAIT."

=George.= "AH! BUT I MEAN TO PAINT PRETTY THINGS!!"

Illustration: Mixed Pickles.

=Domestic= (_in terrified accents_). "O, MUM, HERE'S MASTER PLANTAG'N'T,
'M, HAS BEEN AND BROKE HIS GRAN'PA'S INK-BOTTLE IN THE LIB'ARY, AND CUT
HIS FINGER DREADFUL, 'M!!"

=Grandmamma's Darling= (_gleefully alluding to his Nasal Organ_). "AND GOT
A MARBLE UP BY DOZE, GRA'DBA'!!"

Illustration: The Trials of a District Visitor.

=The Honourable Miss Fuzbuz= (_loq._). "IS MRS. HIGGINS WITHIN?"

=Mrs. Tomkins.= "I'LL CALL 'ER, M'UM." (_At the top of her Voice._) "MRS.
'IG----GINS! ERE'S THE PERSON WITH THE TRAC'S!" (_To the Honourable
Miss._) "THE LADY WILL BE DOWN PRESENTLY, M'UM!!"

Illustration: Legitimate Criticism.

=Aged Village Matron= (_to Sympathising Visitor_). "IT'S A 'COOKERY BOOK,'
AS MRS. PENEWISE, OUR 'DISTRICT LADY,' GIVE ME THIS CHRISTMAS, MISS. I'D
A DEAL SOONER A' HAD THE INGRIDDIMENTS, MISS!!"

Illustration: "The Servants."

=Old Lady.= "THEY'RE ALL ALIKE, MY DEAR. THERE'S OUR SUSAN (IT'S TRUE
SHE'S A DISSENTER), BUT I'VE ALLOWED HER TO GO TO CHAPEL THREE TIMES
EVERY SUNDAY SINCE SHE HAS LIVED WITH ME, AND I ASSURE YOU SHE DOESN'T
COOK A BIT BETTER THAN SHE DID THE FIRST DAY!!"

Illustration: Pleasant for Simpkins!

=Photographer= (_to Mr. Simpkins_). "KEEP YOUR HEAD STEADY, PLEASE, SIR,
AND LOOK IN THE DIRECTION OF THOSE YOUNG LADIES. STEADY NOW, SIR! DON'T
WINK, SIR!"

=Mrs. S.= (_by a look that Mr. S. quite understood_). "JUST LET ME SEE HIM
WINK!!"

Illustration: A Misnomer.

=Country Valetudinarian.= "AH YES, MU'M, I'VE HAD THE 'LUMBAGER TURR'BLE
BAD, MU'M! 'KETCHES ME IN THE _SMALL_ O' THE BACK 'ERE, MU'M!!"

Illustration: "Winkles!"

=Philanthropic Coster'= (_who has been crying "Perry-wink--wink--wink!"
till he's hoarse--and no buyers_). "I WONDER WHAT THE P'OR UNFORT'NATE
CREETERS IN THESE 'ERE LOW NEIGHB'R'OODS DO LIVE ON!!"

Illustration: "The Last (Co-operative) Feather."

'=My Lady.=' "JUST TAKE AND TIE UP A COUPLE OF THOSE SACKS BEHIND THE
CARRIAGE, JAMES. THERE'LL BE ROOM, IF ONE OF YOU RIDES ON THE BOX!!"

Illustration: Disaffection!

=Adjutant.= "What's the Matter, Drum-Major?"

=Drum-Major.= "Please, Sir, the Drums is in a state of Mutiny, and these
are the Ringleaders!!"

Illustration: Zoology.

=Railway Porter= (_to Old Lady travelling with a Menagerie of Pets_).
"'STATION MASTER SAY, MUM, AS CATS IS 'DOGS,' AND RABBITS IS 'DOGS,' AND
SO'S PARROTS; BUT THIS ERE 'TORTIS' IS A INSECT, SO THERE AIN'T NO
CHARGE FOR IT!"

Illustration: Extortion.

=Porter, S. E. R.= "TICKET FOR MUSICAL INSTRUMENT, PLEASE, SIR."

=Amateur Violoncellist= (_who never travels without his bass,
indignantly_). "WHAT! PAY FOR THIS? I'VE NEVER HAD TO PAY ON ANY OTHER
LINE. THIS IS MY 'CELLO!"

=Porter= (_calmly_). "NOT PERSONAL LUGGAGE, SIR. ALL THE SAME IF YOU'D A
HURDY-GURDY, SIR!!"

_Our Amateur's feelings are too much for him._

Illustration: "Any Ornaments for your Fire-Stoves?"

=Little Flora= (_in great distress_). "OH, MAMMA, LOOK HERE! JACK SAYS
IT'S AUNT FANNY! SHE'S GOT ON HER BEAUTIFUL BALL-DRESS WITH THE ROSES ON
IT, AND SHE'S _STUCK IN THE CHIMNEY_!"

Illustration: Compliments of the Season.

=Fond Parent.= "I HOPE YOU WILL BE VERY CAREFUL, MR. STIMPSON. I HAVE
ALWAYS BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO CUT THEIR HAIR MYSELF."

=Mr. Stimpson.= "SO I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT, MADAM!"

Illustration: On the Face of It.

=Pretty Teacher.= "NOW, JOHNNY WELLS, CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT IS MEANT BY A
MIRACLE?"

=Johnny.= "YES, TEACHER. MOTHER SAYS IF YOU DUN'T MARRY NEW PARSON, 'TWULL
BE A MURRACLE!"

Illustration: Obvious Initiative.

(_A lively Native of the Deep Sea seizes hold of a Shepherd's Dog by the
Tail, who makes off as fast as he can._)

=Fishmonger= (_in a rage_). "WHUSTLE ON YER DOG, MUN!"

=Highlander= (_coolly_). "WHUSTLE ON M' DOG? NA, NA, FRIEND! WHUSTLE YOU
ON YOUR _PARTAN_!!"

Illustration: Driving a Bargain.

=Economical Drover.= "A TEECK'T TAE FAA'KIRK."

=Polite Clerk.= "FIVE-AND-NINEPENCE, PLEASE."

=Drover.= "AH'LL GIE YE FIVE SHILLINGS!"

=Clerk= (_astonished_). "EH!"

=Drover=. "WEEL, AH'LL GIE YE FIVE-AN'-THRIPPENCE, AN' DEIL A BAWBEE MAIR!
IS'T A BARGAIN?!"

Illustration: Candid.

=Tam= (_very dry, at door of Country Inn, Sunday Morning_). "AYE, MAN, YE
MICHT GIE ME A BIT GILL OOT IN A BOTTLE!"

=Landlord= (_from within_). "WEEL, YE KEN, TAMMAS, I DAURNA SELL ONYTHING
THE DAY. AND FORBYE YE GOT A HALF-MUTCHKIN AWA' WI' YE LAST NICHT (AFTER
HOORS TAE); IT CANNA BE A' DUNE YET!"

=Tam.= "DUNE! LOSH, MAN, D'YE THINK A' COULD SLEEP AN' WHUSKEY I' THE
HOOSE?!"

Illustration: An Irish Model.

=Mrs. Magillicuddy= (_to her Daughter_). "WHY, WHY, ROSEEN! WHAT'S BEEN
DELAYIN' YE? WHY! AND ME WAITIN' THIS HOUR PAST TO COME IN WID THE
MILK!"

=Rose.= "O, SURE, THIN, MOTHER DEAR, ON ME WAY BACK FROM THE MEADA' I MET
SUCH A DARLIN' ENGLISH JINTLEMAN--A RALE ARTIST. WHY, AND HE AXED ME TO
ALLOW HIM TO TAKE ME LANDSKIP; AND O, MOTHER MAVRONE, IT'S A WONDER HOW
LIKE ME HE'S MED IT, GLORY BE TO THE SAINTS!"

Illustration: A Benediction!

=Irish Beggarwoman= (_to our friend, Dr. O'Gorman, whose Nose is of the
shortest_). "WON'T YE GIVE ME A COPPER, DOCTHER DEAR? THEY, NOW, IF YE
HAVEN'T WAN PENNY CONVANIENT!--AND MAY THE BLISSED SAINTS INCRASE YE!"

=Dr. O'Gorman.= "STAND ASIDE, MY GOOD WOMAN. I'VE NOTHING FOR YOU."

=Beggarwoman.= "O, THIN, THE LARD PRESARVE YER EYESIGHT, FOR THE DIVIL A
NOSE YE HAVE TO MOUNT THE 'SPECS' UPON!!"

Illustration: Mrs. Frummage's Birthday Dinner-Party.

=Mrs. F.= ("_coming from behind the Screen, sneakin' just like her_").
"THERE! OH YOU GOODFORNOTHING BOY, NOW I'VE FOUND YOU OUT. HOW DARE YOU
TOUCH THE WINE, SIR?"

=Robert.= "PLEASE 'M, I WAS--I WAS ONLY JUST A GOIN' TO WISH YOURS AN'
MASTER'S WERY GOOD 'EALTH 'M!"

Illustration: Confession.

=Old Lady= (_who can't stand her Page's destructive carelessness any
longer_). "NOW, ROBERT, I WANT YOU CLEARLY TO UNDERSTAND THE REASON I
PART WITH YOU. CAN YOU TELL ME?"

=Robert= (_affected to tears_). "YES, 'M."

=Old Lady.= "WHAT, ROBERT?"

=Robert.= "'CAUSE I'M--(_SNIFF_)--'CAUSE I'M--'CAUSE I'M _SO UGLY_!!"

Illustration: A Stroke of Business.

=Village Hampden= (_"who with dauntless breast" has undertaken, for
sixpence, to keep off the other boys_). "IF ANY OF YER WANTS TO SEE WHAT
WE'RE A PAINTIN' OF, IT'S A 'ALFPENNY A 'EAD, BUT YOU MARN'T MAKE NO
REMARKS."

Illustration: Proper Reproof.

=Fussy Party.= "WHY DON'T YOU TOUCH YOUR HAT TO ME, BOY?"

=Country Boy.= "SO I WUL I' YEAOU'LL HOWD THE CA-ALF!"

Illustration: Little and Good.

=Gentleman.= "WHO DO THESE PIGS BELONG TO, BOY?"

'=Chaw.=' "WHY, THIS 'ERE OWD ZOW."

=Gentleman.= "YES, YES; BUT I MEAN WHO'S THEIR MASTER?"

'=Chaw.=' "WHY, THAT THERE LITTLE 'UN; HE'S A VARMUN TO FOIGHT!"

Illustration: "Mistakes Will Happen."

=Mamma= (_alarmed_). "WHAT IS IT, MY DARLING?"

=Pet.= "YA--AH, BOO--OOH--AH!"

=Mamma.= "WHAT'S THE MATTER, THEN? COME AND TELL ITS OWN----"

=Pet.= "BA--H-OO-H--SHE--SHE DID--WASH ME ONCE--AN'--SAYS--SHE
DIDN'T--AN'--SHE'S BEEN--AN' GONE AN' WASHED ME OVER AGAIN!!"

Illustration: Brushing Pa's New Hat.

=Edith.= "NOW, TOMMY, YOU KEEP TURNING SLOWLY, TILL WE'VE DONE IT ALL
ROUND."

Illustration: More Than One for His Nob.

=Irritable Old Gentleman= (_who is rather particular about his
appearance_). "I WISH YOU'D BE CAREFUL. THAT'S THE THIRD OR FOURTH TIME
YOU'VE PRICKED ME WITH YOUR SCISSORS!"

=Young Man= (_from "Round the Corner"_). "BEG YER PARDON, SIR, BUT THE
FACT IS, SIR, I 'AVEN'T BEEN IN THE 'ABIT O' CUTTIN' 'AIR, SIR. WE'RE
RATHER SHORT OF 'ANDS, SO----"

_Old Gent explodes._

Illustration: A Passage of Arms.

=Hairdresser.= "'AIR'S VERY DRY, SIR!"

=Customer= (_who knows what's coming_). "I LIKE IT DRY!"

=Hairdresser= (_after awhile, again advancing to the attack_). "'EAD'S
VERY SCURFY, SIR!"

=Customer= (_still cautiously retiring_). "YA-AS, I PREFER IT SCURFY!"

_Assailant gives in defeated_

Illustration: Flunkeianum.

=Master.= "THOMPSON, I BELIEVE THAT I HAVE REPEATEDLY EXPRESSED AN
OBJECTION TO BEING SERVED WITH STALE BREAD AT DINNER. HOW IS IT MY
WISHES HAVE NOT BEEN ATTENDED TO?"

=Thompson.= "WELL, SIR, I REELY DON'T KNOW WHAT IS TO BE DONE! IT WON'T DO
TO WASTE IT, AND WE _CAN'T_ EAT IT DOWN-STAIRS!!"

Illustration: _A Dilemma._

=Auxiliary Recruit= (_to himself_). "MURDER! MURDER! WHAT'LL I DO NOW?
'DRILL-SARJINT TOULD ME ALWAYS TO SALUTE ME OFFICER WID THE FAR-OFF
HAND, AND HERE'S TWO IV EM! FAIX, I'LL MAKE IT STRAIGHT FOR MESELF
ANYHOW!"

_Throws up both Hands._

Illustration: _Lessons in the Vacation._

=Public School-man.= "HE-AR, CABBY, WE'LL GIVE YOU EIGHTEEN-PENCE TO TAKE
US TO BRIXTON."

=Cabby.= "WELL, I GENERALLY DO CARRY CHILDREN 'ALF PRICE, BUT I'M ENGAGED
THIS MORNING, GENTS!"

Illustration: Wimbledon.

=The Irrepressible 'Arry= (_to Swell--Small-bore Man--who has just
fired_). "YA--AH! NEVER 'IT IT!!"

Illustration: Wimbledon.

=Volunteer Mounted Officer= (_Midnight_). "HULLO HERE! WHY DON'T YOU TURN
OUT THE GUARD? I'M THE FIELD-OFFICER OF THE DAY!"

=Volunteer Sentry.= "THEN WHAT THE DEUCE ARE YOU DOIN' OUT THIS TIME O'
NIGHT?"

Illustration: A Hardship.

=Mistress.= "I THINK, ELIZABETH, I MUST ASK YOU TO GO TO CHURCH THIS
AFTERNOON INSTEAD OF THIS MORNING, BECAUSE----"

=Elizabeth= (_indignantly_). "WELL, MUM, WHICH IN MY LAST PLACE I WAS
NEVER AS'ED TO GO AN' 'EAR A CURATE PREACH!"

Illustration: "Like her Impudence."

=Missis and the Young Ladies= (_together_). "GOODNESS GRACIOUS, J'MIMA!
WHAT HAVE YOU----_WHERE'S_ YOUR CR'N'LIN?" (_This word snappishly._)

=Jemima.= "OH 'M, PLEASE 'M, WHICH I UNDERSTOOD AS THEY WAS A GOIN' OUT,
'M----"

_Receives warning on the spot._

Illustration: "Too Bad!"

=Comic Man= (_in an audible Whisper, while his Friend is "obliging" with
"Adelaide"_). "LOOK OUT! HE'S COMING TO THE PASSIONATE PART NOW. YOU'LL
SEE HIM WAG HIS SHOULDERS!"

Illustration: "It's the Pace that Kills."

=Miss Rattleton= (_who means Waltzing_). "OH, I DID NOT SAY 'STOP,' MR.
PLUMPLEY."

=Mr. Plumpley= (_utterly blown, in gasps_). "'MSURE YOU--MUSTBETIRED----"

_And joins the Card-players._

Illustration: The Gamut.

=Jack Bowbell= (_beginning his Song_). "'APPY LAND, 'APPY LAND----"

=Tom Belgrave.= "ONE MOMENT--EXCUSE ME, MY DEAR FELLOW--BUT DON'T YOU
THINK THE SONG WOULD GO BETTER IF YOU WERE TO SOUND YOUR _H_'S JUST A
LITTLE?"

=Jack Bowbell.= "EH? SOUND MY _H_'S?" (_Chuckles._) "SHOWS HOW MUCH YOU
KNOW ABOUT MUSIC!--NO SUCH NOTE--ONLY GOES UP TO _G_!" (_Continues._)
"'APPY LAND, 'APPY LAND----"

Illustration: _Garrison Instruction._

=Instructor= (_lecturing_). "GENTLEMEN, A THREE-LEGGED TRESTLE IS A
TRESTLE WITH THREE LEGS. YOU HAD BETTER MAKE A NOTE OF THAT, GENTLEMEN."
(_Intense scribbling._)

=General in Embryo= (_but not at present noted for smartness_), _after a
pause of some Minutes_. "I BEG YOUR PARDON, MAJOR, BUT HOW MANY LEGS DID
YOU SAY THE TRESTLE HAD?" (_Left sitting._)

Illustration: Cavalry Criticism.

=Adjutant= (_to Riding-Master_). "AH, THERE'S MR. QUICKSTEP!" (_Who had
just Exchanged into the Regiment from the Infantry_.) "HOW DOES HE GET
ON?"

=Riding-Master=. "WELL, SIR, I THINK HE'S THE HOSSIEST GEN'LEMAN AFUT--AND
THE FUTTIEST GEN'LEMAN ON A HOS THAT EVER I'VE MET WITH SINCE I'VE BEEN
IN THE REG'MENT!"

Illustration: "_The Way we Had in the Army._"

=Colonel= (_of the pre-Examination period--to studious Sub_). "I SAY,
YOUNGSTER, YOU'LL NEVER MAKE A SOLDIER IF YOU DON'T MIND WHAT YOU'RE
ABOUT!"

=Sub= (_mildly_). "I SHOULD BE SORRY TO THINK THAT, SIR!"

=Colonel.= "I SAW YOU SNEAKING UP THE HIGH STREET YESTERDAY, LOOKING LIKE
A METHODIST PARSON IN REDUCED CIRCUMSTANCES!--HOLD UP YOUR HEAD, SIR!
BUY A STICK, SIR! SLAP YOUR LEG, SIR! AND STARE AT THE GIRLS AT THE
WINDOWS!"

Illustration: "An Officer and a Gentleman!"

=Volunteer Captain= (_bumptiously_). "OFFICER'S TICKET!"

=Considerate Clerk=. "GOVER'MENT TARIFF'S HIGH ON THIS LINE, SIR. YOU'D
BETTER GO AS A GENTLEMAN! CHEAPER!"

_The Captain is shocked, loses his presence of mind, and takes advantage
of the suggestion_.

Illustration: "The Service going to, &c.!"

ENSIGN BROWN SHARES A TENT AT WIMBLEDON WITH HIS FRIEND JONES, PRIVATE
IN THE SAME COMPANY.

=Ensign Brown=. "OH, I SAY, JO--MR. JONES, THERE'S ONE OF THOSE PEGS
LOOSE. HEM--WILL YOU--I WISH--JUST JUMP OUT, AND MAKE IT FAST!"

=Private Jones=. "OH, HANG IT, BR--MR. BROWN! COME, I DON'T MIND TOSSING
YOU!!"

Illustration: Presence of Mind.

=Constables= (_in chorus_). "HOY! HULLO! STOP! TURN BACK THERE! CAN'T COME
THROUGH THE PARK!"

=Elderly Female= (_in a hurry to catch a train_). "P'LICEMAN, I'M THE
_'OME SECRETARY_!!!"

=Sergeant of Police= (_taken aback_). "OH, I BEG YOUR PARDON, I'M SURE,
MUM! ALL RIGHT--DRIVE ON, CABBY!"

_Old Lady saves the train._

Illustration: "Bric a Brac."

=Mamma=    }           {                     {SAM!"
           }_together_ {"GOODNESS, GRACIOUS, {
=Daughters=}           {                     {PA'!"

=Papa= (_who has a passion for Antiques_). "MY DEARS, I THOUGHT IT WOULD
DO SO NICELY FOR THE LANDING AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS, EH."

Illustration: Encouraging.

=First Bystander= (_evidently Village Schoolmaster--ignorant set of people
generally!_). "DON'T SEEM TO BE MAKING MUCH OF IT, DO 'E?"

=Second Bystander= (_you'd have thought him an intelligent Farmer, by the
look of him_). "AMMY-TOOR, SEEMIN'LY!!"

Illustration: "Fine Art."

=Rural Connoisseur.= "HE'S A P'INTIN' TWO PICTUR'S AT ONCE, D' YER SEE?
'BLEST IF I DON'T LIKE THAT THERE LITTLE 'UN AS HE'S GOT HIS THUMB
THROUGH, THE BEST!"

Illustration: _Our Reserves._

(AUXILIARY FORCES, NORTH OF IRELAND.)

=Last Joined Supernumerary.= "NOW, THEN, SENTRY, WHY DON'T YOU SALUTE YOUR
OFFICER?"

=Militia Sentry= (_old Yankee Irish Veteran, who has been through the
"Secesh" War_). "SALUTE, IS IT? DIVEL A SALUTE YOU'LL GET ONTILL YE PAY
YER FUTTIN'!!"

Illustration: _Badinage._

=Facetious 'Bus-Driver= (_offering to pull up_). "'ERE Y'ARE, SIR. LOOK
SHARP, BILL AND 'ELP THE GEN'LEMAN IN WITH HIS LUGGAGE!"

=Chimney-Sweep= (_whose self-respect is hurt_) _uses strong language!_

='Bus-Driver.= "BEG PARD'N, SIR. GEN'LEMAN AIN'T FOR US, BILL. HE'S A
LOOKIN' OUT FOR A 'HATLAS. GOIN' TO MADAM TOOSAWD'S, TO 'AVE HIS STATTY
DONE IN WAX-WORK!!"

Illustration: _Particular to a Hair._

=Irate Major= (_to hairy Sub._). "WHEN NEXT YOU COME ON PARADE, SIR, HAVE
THE GOODNESS TO LEAVE THOSE CONFOUNDED WEATHERCOCKS BEHIND YOU!"

Illustration: _Chronology._

='Bus-Driver.= "THEY TELL ME THERE'VE BEEN SOME COINS FOUND IN THESE 'ERE
'EXKYVATIONS THAT 'A BEEN BURIED THERE A MATTER O' FOUR OR FIVE 'UNDRED
YEAR!!"

=Passenger Friend.= "OH, THAT'S NOTHIN'! WHY, THERE'S SOME IN THE BRI'SH
MUSEUM--AH--MORE THAN TWO THOUSAND YEAR OLD!!"

='Bus-Driver= (_after a pause_). "COME, GEORGE, THAT WON'T DO, YER KNOW!
'CAUSE WE'RE ONLY IN EIGHT'N 'UNDRED AN' SIXTY-NINE NOW!!!"

Illustration: "_Bus-Measure._"

='Bus-Driver.= "NEVER SEE THE COMET?! WHY, WHEREVER COULD YOU 'A'----"
(_Notices Shortness of "Ge'tleman's" hair, &c., and hesitates_).
"HOWSOMEVER----"

=Passenger= (_relieving his embarrassment_). "WHEREABOUTS WAS IT?"

=Driver.= "WELL, I'LL TELL YER. IT WAS ABOUT THE LENGTH O' THIS YERE BUS
FROM THE FORRARDEST LEADER IN THE GREAT BEAR!"

Illustration: Tricks upon Travellers.

=Bonsor= (_down upon little Stannery, who's a great boaster about his
"Swell" acquaintance, and his extensive "Travel," and this year
especially, down Palestine way_). "DID YOU SEE THE DARDANELLES?"

=Stannery.= "EH! THE--EH? OH, YE'--YES! JOLLY FELLARS AS EVER I MET! DINED
WITH 'EM AT VIENNAH!"

_Little S. has left the Club._

Illustration: Quantity not Quality.

=Brown, Senior.= "WELL, FRED, WHAT DID YOU SEE DURING YOUR TRIP ABROAD?"

=Brown, Junior.= "AW--'PON M'WORD, 'DON'T KNOW WHAT I SAW 'XACTLY, 'ONLY
KNOW I DID MORE BY THREE COUNTRIES, EIGHT TOWNS, AND FOUR MOUNTAINS,
THAN SMITH DID IN THE SAME TIME!"

Illustration: "A Woman of Business."

=Husband= (_who has been on the Continent, and left his Wife some Blank
Cheques_). "MY DEAR LOUISA, I FIND YOU HAVE CONSIDERABLY OVERDRAWN AT
THE BANK!"

=Wife.= "O, NONSENSE, WILLY, HOW CAN THAT BE? WHY, I'VE TWO OF THOSE BLANK
CHEQUES LEFT YET!!"

Illustration: "Reason in Woman."

=Young Wife.= "GEORGE, DEAR, I'VE HAD A TALK WITH THE SERVANTS THIS
MORNING, AND I'VE AGREED TO RAISE THEIR WAGES. THEY SAID EVERYTHING WAS
SO DEAR NOW--MEAT WAS SO HIGH, AND COALS HAD RISEN TO SUCH A PRICE, AND
EVERYTHING----I THOUGHT THIS WAS REASONABLE, BECAUSE I'VE SO OFTEN HEARD
YOU COMPLAIN OF THE SAME THING."

Illustration: "Our Failures."

=Husband.= "I SAY, LIZZIE, WHAT ON EARTH DID YOU MAKE THIS MINT-SAUCE OF?"

=Young Wife= (_who has been "helping" Cook_). "PARSLEY, TO BE SURE!"

Illustration: "_Where there's a Will there's a Way!_"

=Cook.= "PLEASE, 'M, I WISHES TO GIVE WARNING----"

=Mistress= (_surprised_). "WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?"

=Cook.= "THE FACT IS, MUM, I'M GOING TO GET MARRIED!"

=Mistress.= "WHY, COOK, I DID NOT KNOW YOU WERE ENGAGED!"

=Cook.= "WHICH I HAM NOT AZACTLY ENGAGED AS YET, MUM; BUT I FEELS MYSELF
TO BE OF THAT 'APPY DISPOSITION AS I COULD LOVE HANY MAN, MUM!"

Illustration: "_Satisfactory!_"

=Mistress.= "WELL, JESSIE, I'M GOING INTO NAIRNE, AND WILL SEE YOUR
MOTHER. CAN I GIVE HER ANY MESSAGE FROM YOU?"

=Jessie= (_her first "place"_). "OU, MEM, YE CAN JUST SAY I'M UNCO' WEEL
PLEASED WI' YE!!"

Illustration: "_Ha! Ha! The Wooin' O't!_"

=Young Mistress= (_gravely; she had seen an affectionate parting at the
garden-gate_). "I SEE YOU'VE GOT A YOUNG MAN, JANE!"

=Jane= (_apologetically_). "ONLY WALKED OUT WITH HIM ONCE, M'UM!"

=Mistress.= "O, BUT I THOUGHT I SAW--DIDN'T YOU--DIDN'T HE--TAKE A KISS,
JANE?"

=Jane.= "O, M'M, ONLY AS A FRIEND, M'M!!"

Illustration: "_The Way we Build now._"

=Indignant Houseowner= (_he had heard it was so much cheaper, in the end,
to buy your House_). "WH' WHAT'S THE--WHAT AM I!--WHA'--WHAT DO YOU
SUPPOSE IS THE MEANING OF THIS, MR. SCAMPLING!?"

=Local Builder.= "T' TUT, TUT! WELL, SIR, I 'SPECTS SOME ONE'S BEEN
A-LEANIN' AGIN IT!!"

Illustration: "In the Long Run."

=Town Gent.= "NOW DO YOU FIND KEEPING POULTRY ANSWERS?"

=Country Gent= (_lately retired_). "O, 'ES, S'POSED TO ANSWER. Y' SEE
THERE'S THE ORIGINAL COST OF THE FOWLS--'F COURSE THE FOOD GOES DOWN TO
ME, Y' KNOW. WELL, THEN, I PURCHASE THE EGGS FROM THE CHILDREN, AND THEY
EAT THEM!!!"

Illustration: Rather too Literal.

=Country Gentleman= (_in a rage_). "WHY, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO, YOU
IDIOT! YOU'VE LET HIM DOWN, AND----"

=New Groom.= "YES, YER HONNER, YE TOULD ME TO BREAK HIM; AN' BRUK HE IS,
KNEES AN' ALL, WORSE LUCK!"

Illustration: "Bon Voyage!"

=Mossu= (_shot into a nice soft loam_) _exultingly_. "A--HA--A! I AM SAFE
O-VERE! NOW IT IS YOUR TURN, MEESTER TIMBRE JOMPRE! COME ON, SABE!"

Illustration: "Fiat Experimentum," &c.

=The Rector.= "GOOD MORNING, MRS. SMITHERS. HOW'S THE BABY? ISN'T IT
RATHER EARLY TO BRING HIM TO CHURCH? DON'T YOU THINK HE'LL BE RESTLESS?"

=Mrs. Smithers.= "O, NO, SIR, HE'LL BE QUIET, SIR, WHICH WE TOOK HIM TO
THE METHODIS' CHAPEL LAST SUNDAY O' PURPOSE TO TRY HIM, SIR!"

Illustration: Irreverent.

=Policeman= (_on the occasion of our "Confirmation"_). "STOP! STOP! GO
BACK! YOU MUSTN'T COME IN HERE! WE'RE EXPECTIN' O' THE BISHOP EVERY
MINUTE!"

=Cabby= (_fortissimo_). "ALL RIGHT! WHY'VE GOT THE OLD BUFFER INSIDE!"

Illustration: Wet and Dry.

=Careful Wife.= "ARE YOU VERY WET, DEAR?"

=Ardent Angler= (_turning up his flask_). "NO; DRY AS A LIME-KILN--HAVEN'T
HAD A DROP THESE TWO HOURS!"

Illustration: "_Not so Fast!_"

=Old Gent.= (_soliloquising, in the Wilds of Glenmuchie_). "AH, WELL, THIS
IS VERY JOLLY! WEALTH'S A GREAT BLESSING--NOT THAT I'M A RICH MAN--BUT
AFTER THE TURMOIL AND WORRY OF BUSINESS, TO BE ABLE TO RETIRE TO THESE
CHARMING SOLITUDES, THE SILENCE ONLY BROKEN BY THE GRATEFUL SOUNDS OF
THE RIPPLING STREAM ('BURN,' I MEAN. AH! I NEARLY HAD HIM THEN!), AND
THE HUM OF THE BEE! TO BE ABLE TO LEAVE LONDON AND ITS TIRESOME
MILLIONS, AND FORGET ALL THE LOW----"

=Voice from the Bridge= (_the ubiquitous "'Arry"_). "COULD YER 'BLIGE US
WITH A WORM, GOV'NOUR?"!!

Illustration: Banting in the Yeomanry.

=Troop-Sergeant Major.= "IT COMES TO THIS, CAPTAIN, 'A MUN E'THER HEV' A
NEW JACKET OR KNOCK OFF ONE O' MY MEALS!"

Illustration: Something from the Provinces.

=Excursionist= (_politely_). "CAN YOU KINDLY DIRECT ME THE NEAREST WAY TO
SLAGLEY?"

=Powerful Navvy.= "AH CAN POONCH TH' HEAD O' THEE!"

_Excursionist retires hastily._

Illustration: "Ways and Means."

=First Country Gentleman.= "'MEAN HUNTING THIS WINTER, CHARLIE?"

=Second Country Gentleman= (_doubtfully_). "'SHALL TRY AND 'WORK' IT."

=First Country Gentleman.= "HOW?"

=Second Country Gentleman.= "GIVE UP THE UNDER-NURSE, I THINK."

Illustration: Blank Firing.

=Ancient Sportsman= (_whose Sight is not what it used to be_). "PICK 'EM
UP, JAMES, PICK 'EM UP! WHY DON'T YOU PICK 'EM UP?"

=Veteran Keeper.= "'CAUSE THERE BEAN'T ANY DOWN, MY LORD!"


                                CONTENTS.
                                           PAGE

  Adjustment                                25

  A Fortiori                               110

  Alarming                                  44

  Alma Mater                                50

  Angling Extraordinary                     81

  Answer, a Soft                            22

  Anything for a Change                    118

  Appeal, a Final                           37

  Appearances                              118

  Arbiter Elegantiarum                      35

  Arcadian Amenities                        56

  Archery Meeting, the                      76

  Architecture (Irish)                     123

  Argumentum ad Hominem                     21

  Artful--Very!                             57

  Artist, Our                               54

  Art-School Conversazione, Our            119

  As Well as can be Expected                46

  Awkward!                             75, 108


  Badinage                                 146

  Bagpipes and Classical Music              56

  Banting in the Yeomanry                  155

  Bargain, Driving a                       132

  Barometrical                              14

  Beard Movement, the                      106

  Beauty, a Thing of                       126

  Benediction! a                           133

  Bereaved                                  96

  Between two Shoeblacks
  we fall, &c.                             120

  Bird Show, the                             5

  Birthday Dinner-Party,
   Mrs. Frummage's                         134

  Blank Firing                             155

  Bon Voyage!                         100, 152

  Boon Companions                           96

  Boxing-Day                                55

  Boys, those Dreadful                      80

  Breaking the Ice                     24, 156

  Bric a Brac                              144

  Brother Brush                             84

  Brushing Pa's New Hat                    136

  Business!                                 69

  "  a Stroke of                           135

  Bus-Measure                              147

  By the Card                               41


  Candid                                   132

  Canny                                68, 122

  Casual Acquaintance, a                    43

  Catechism under Difficulties              78

  Cavalry Criticism                        142

  Chaff                                     31

  Change for the Better, a ,                65

  Character, a Satisfactory                 98

  Chronology                               147

  Circumlocutory!                           43

  Civil Servants, H. M., What
   they have to Endure                     117

  Civil Service Miseries                    49

  Club Law                                  94

  Colloquial Equivalents                    65

  Commissariat, the                         69

  Comparisons                               73

  Compliment, a                             47

  Complimentary                             39

  Compliments of the Season        82, 85, 131

  Compliments of the (Sketching) Season     84

  Concert, the Morning                      97

  Conclusive                                58

  Confederate, a Treacherous                23

  Confession                               134

    " in Confusion                          18

  Confidence, in                            93

  Connoisseur, the                          16

  Connoisseurs, the                         60

  Conscience, a Guilty                      74

  Conscience Clause, the                   101

  Considerate                               52

  Convalescent, the                         74

  Cool Card, a                              97

  Cricket                                   23

  Criticism, Considerate                   109

    " Legitimate                           127

  Culture for the Working Classes           43

  Cure, a Perfect                           45

  Curious                                  118

  Customer, Bad                              2


  Dear, Dear Boy!                           83

  Decimals on Deck                          13

  Definition, a                             70

  Degenerate Son, a                         25

  Delicacy                                  40

  Delicately Put                            73

  Depression                                86

  Desperate Case!                      25, 100

  Dignity                               1, 102

  Dilemma, a                       20, 91, 138

  Dinners, Little, How we
  arrange our                               58

  Disaffection!                            125

  Dish, a New                               53

  Distinction, a                            51

  Distracting                               47

  District Visitor, Trials of a            127

  Durance                                    3

  Duty and Pleasure                         69


  Education!                           23, 101

  Embarrassing                              50

  Encouraging!                         90, 145

  Equal to the Situation                    74

  Exchange!                                 25

  Excuse, a Perfect                        107

  Exempli Gratia                           102

  Extenuating Circumstances                 70

  Extortion                                130


  Fahrenheit                               107

  Failing, a Little                         60

  Failures, Our                            149

  Familiarity breeds Contempt
                                           124

  Family Man, a                             15

  Family Pride                               1

  Family Ties                                8

  Feather, the last (Co-operative)         125

  Fiat Experimentum                        153

  Fine Art                                 145

  Finishing Touch, the                     109

  Fish, a Big                               56

  Fishing, an Evening's (behind the
    Distillery at Sligo)                   121

  Flattering                                72

  Flunkeianum                              137

  For Better for Worse                       7


  Game (a) Two can Play at                  13

  Gamut, the                               141

  Garrison Instruction                     142

  Grandiloquence                            77

  Gratitude                                 93

  Grey Mare, the                            58

  Gentility in Greens                        9

  Geology                                   96

  Golden Age Restored, the                  63


  Habit, Force of                           50

    "  a Luxurious                          63

  Ha! Ha! the Wooin' o' it                 150

  Happy Thought                             82

  Hard Lines                                35

  Hardship, a                              140

  Hard-up on a Wet Day                      99

  Harp in the Air, the                     122

  Heresy                                    42

  He thought he was Safe                   108

  Hibernian Veracity                       111

  High Life below Stairs!                   94

  Hoist with his own Pomade                 47

  Hunting Appointments                      89

  Hunting Idiot                             54

  Hygiene                                  108

  Hyperbole                                 88


  Ignorance, Crass                          10

  Im-pertinent                             120

  Incidit in Scyllam, &c.                  117

  Incombinable Elements                     99

  Ingenuas Didicisse, &c.                   36

  Ingenuity, Irish                          12

  In the Long Run                          151

  Initiative, Obvious                      132

  Inspection, Our                           89

  Intelligent!                             129

  In Vino Memoria                           78

  Io Bacche!                                60

  Irish Grievances, Real                    88

  Irreverent                               153

  Irrevocable                               55

  Is it Pos-sible?!                         31

  It's an Ill Wind, &c.                     90

  It's the Pace that Kills                 141


  Jeopardy, in                              41

  Just in Time                              17


  Knowledge, Pursuit of                     95


  Labour, Division of                       38

  Lapsus Linguae                             76

  Last Word, the                            91

  Le Jeu ne vaut pas la Chandelle           28

  Lessons in the Vacation                  138

  Let Well alone!                           28

  Levelling Up                              77

  Liberal to a Fault                        48

  Like her Impudence                       140

  Lingua East Anglia                        62

  Little and Good                          135

  Look before you Leap                      27

  Lucid!                                    26

  Lucus a Non, &c.                          88

  Luxury, Seasonable                        22


  Making Things Pleasant                    81

  Mal Apropos                               18

  Manners!                                 116

  Manoeuvres, Our                     19, 59

  March of Refinement                        2

  Master of the Situation?!                116

  Matter!                                   37

  Meat Supply, the                          66

  Menace                                   126

  Men were Deceivers ever                   49

  Mens Conscia                               1

  Mercies, Small, (not) Thankful for        39

  Military Manoeuvres                     19

  Mind and Matter                           79

  Mine of Speculation, a                    21

  Misnomer, a                              128

  Mistakes will Happen                     136

  Mistletoe Bough, Oh the                   42

  Model, an Irish                          133

  More than one for his Nob                137

  M. P., a Pledged                            4

  Music in the Midlands                    106

  Music of the Future--Sensation Opera      94

  Mystery solved, the                        3

  Mystification                             71


  Nae that Fou!                            110

  Narcotic, a                               15

  Natural Advantages                       113

  Nature and Art                           113

  Never say 'Die'                           36

  Nimble Ninepence, the                    129

  No accounting for Taste                   64

  Noblesse oblige!                         105

  No Mistake, this Time                     27

  No such Luck                              30

  Not Proven                               121

  Not so Fast!                             154

  Not to put too fine a Point on it         36


  Obliging                                  71

  Off!                                      38

  Offender, an Old                          55

  Offer, a Fair                            111

  Officer (an) and a Gentleman!            143

  Once for All                              92

  On the Face of it                        131

  Order, an Extensive                       30

  Ornaments for your Fire-Stoves           131


  Panic in the Kitchen, a                   32

  Parthian Shaft, a                        115

  Particular!                           34, 90

      "  to a Hair                         147

  Partner, Vivifying Treatment of a         34

  Passage of Arms, a                       137

  Penny Wise                                46

  Perils of the Deep                         4

  Personal!                                100

  Perspective!                              79

  Pet, Intelligent                           3

  Pickles, Mixed                           126

  Pic-nic, the                              57

  Pink of Fashion, the                       5

  Plain to Demonstration                     9

  Pleasant for Simpkins!                   128

  Pleasuring!                              107

  Plutocrat, a                              37

  Point of View, a                          87

  Point of View, from one                  119

  Poor Humanity!                             7

  Precise                                   29

  Presence of Mind                         144

  Prevention's better than Cure              8

  Profanation                               80

  Proof Positive                            32

  Prospect, a Pleasant                  67, 85

  Prospect, a Nice                          95

  Provinces, Something from the            155

  Prudence, Common                           6

  Pulpit-Critics, Stern                     68


  Qualifications                            33

  Quantity, not Quality                    148

  Quite another Thing                      111

  Quite Superfluous                        105


  Races not yet Extinct                     20

  Rather too Literal                       152

  Ready!                                    83

  Reason in Woman                          149

  Reassuring                           67, 112

  Reductio ad Absurdum                      86

  Refrigerated Tourists                      2

  Refusal, a Rash                           73

  Register! Register!                      120

  Relapse                                   97

  Reminiscences                             46

  Reproof, Proper                          135

  Res Angustae Domi                          11

  Reserves, Our--the Battle of Amesbury     59

    " Auxiliary Forces, North of Ireland   146

  Restraints of Society                    114

  Retributive Justice                       41

  Revenge for the Union, More               13

  Riding Lesson, the                        26

  Roll-Call, the                             9

  Romance of the Kitchen                    82

  Run of the House, the                    103

  Running Drill, the New                    19

  Rural Simplicity                          78

  Rustic Recollections                      52


  Sacrifice                                 70

  Satisfactory!                            150

  Sausage Machine, the                      16

  Scruples                                 123

  Scrupulous                                12

  Season, a Bad                            124

  Secrets                                  115

  Selling him a Pennyworth                  65

  Sermon, the First                         24

  Servants, the               35, 40, 104, 127

  Service (the) going to, &c.              143

  Shocking!                                156

  Silence is Golden                         14

  Silly Suffolk (?) Pastorals--Reciprocity  76

  Silver Lining to a Cloud, not a           53

  Simple Addition                          114

  Simplicity, Sweet                        115

  Sinister Slip, a                          49

  Slip o' the Tongue, a                     18

  Small Mercies                             44

  Sold--Cheap                               64

  Son, a Kind                               10

   " a Degenerate                           25

  Spoiling it                               33

  Straightforward View, a                   51

  Struggle for Existence, the               98

  Suit your Talk to your Company            75

  Suspicion!                                86

  Sweet is Revenge--especially to Women!    24

  Sympathy                             48, 103


  Tailors' Strike, in consequence of the    45

  Temper, the Triumphs of                    6

  Temptation                                33

  Terms, Cash                               93

  Theatricals, Our                          72

  The Better the Day, &c.                   51

  The Way we Build now                     151

  The Way we had in the Army               143

  The Way we Live now                      112

  The more Haste, the less Speed            87

  Themis, Irish Ideal of                   122

  There's many a Slip                       62

  Tho' lost to Sight--                      29

  Thrift                                   123

  Ticket of Leave, a                        66

  'Tis better not to Know                   30

  Too Bad!                                 141

  Too Late                                 106

  Too True!                                 92

  Tourists, Refrigerated                     2

  Tracts!                                   66

  Trade, State of                           27

  Travellers, Tricks upon                  148

  Truth, a Half                              7

  Trying                                     5

  Turk, a Regular                          117

  Turn about                                81

  Two Sides to a Question                   85

  Tyranny                                   45


  Ulster, the                               14

  Unconscionable                            15

  Unprejudiced!                             10

  Up and Down Stairs                        92


  Veneration                                22

  Vested Interests                          31

  Veteran, a                                61


  Wages and Wives                           95

  Warning, Awful                            16

  Ways and Means                           155

  Weather, a Change in the                  11

  Weights and Measures                      44

  Well Meant                               113

  Wet and Dry                              154

  What Next?                               104

  What's in a Name?                         35

  What's the Odds?                          61

  When you are about it                    103

  Where Ignorance is Bliss &c.              39

  Where there's a Will there's a Way!      150

  Wimbledon                                139

  Winkles!                                 128

  Woman-hater, a                           102

  Woman of Business, a                     149

  Woman's Rights                            68

  Words and Weights                         17


  XXX cellent Reasons                       48


  Zoology                                  130




      *      *      *      *      *      *




Transcriber's note:

The index has been moved from the beginning of the book to the
end for the reader's convenience.

The punctuation and spelling are as printed in the original
publication.



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