Ancient Brass-Work, in memory of Wagner the Great
Worker in Brass.
The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, July 2, 1892, by Various This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, July 2, 1892 Author: Various Release Date: January 24, 2005 [EBook #14787] Language: English Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
Ancient Brass-Work, in memory of Wagner the Great
Worker in Brass.
Wednesday.—WAGNER. Vainly the Daughters of the River, representing the floating capital of the Banks of the Rhine, cry "Woa! Woa!" The orchestra, under the direction of Herr MAHLER, takes no notice of them, but goes on Wagnerianly, inexorably. Thus swimmingly we reach Walhall—where the fire-god Loge has a logement with very heavy insurance. Wotan and Loge in search of the gold. Then we meet the Nibelungs and the Nibelights, all livers under a water-cure system; and then—it's like a musical nightmare—Alberich changes himself into a toad and is towed off as a prisoner. Fafner settles Fasolt by a drum-head Court Martial, so that Fafner gets the golden honey, and Fasolt gets the whacks—and—please, Sir, I don't know any more—but some of the music is running river-like and lovely, more is puzzling, and much of it must remind Sir DRURIOLANUS of the rum-tum-tiddy-iddy-iddy-um-bang-whack of a great Drury Pantomime. House full; Duke and Duchess of EDINBURGH, with Princess MARIE and Crown Prince of ROUMANIA, enjoying themselves Wagnerially and Rou-manically.
Saturday.—Le Prophète. JOHN DE RESZKÉ not up to his usual form as the Sporting Prophet; but his little Brother EDWARD, and Messieurs MONTARIOL and CASTELMARY, first-rate as the three conspiring undertakers. Madame DESCHAMPS-JÉHIN, as Fides, very fine. "House," also, very fine, and large.
Dear Mr. Punch,—When writing to a Journal of light and leaders—or misleaders—last Friday, I kept "a little bit up my sleeve," so to speak, for the Brightest, Lightest, and Leadingest of all papers yclept the one, Sir, that bears your honoured name. After quoting from Mr. CHAMBERLAIN at Holloway (not in Holloway) on June 17, 1885, as a gentle reminder to Mr. GOSCHEN—their "Mr. G."—I observed, "Perhaps, however, there are reasons why the 'Egyptian Skeleton' prefers to forget the speeches of Mr. CHAMBERLAIN in 1885." It struck me that, having already an Egyptian Skeleton, we might have as its companion a Brummagem Skeleton, which everyone can see through, and this sketch I beg to submit to you, pro bono publico. Always, Mr. Punch, your most obedient "subject" (artistically),
First Prize—Love among the Roses.
Were it not that the salutation were infelicitous, we should have said, "Hail, all hail!" to the Fête at the Botanical Gardens, Regent's Park, last Wednesday. Besides, they have always an Aquarius of the name of WATERER on the premises, whose Rhododendrons are magnificent. So we didn't say "All hail!" and there was not a single drop, of rain, or in the attendance, to damage a charming show which has so often been spoilt by the drop too much that has floored many a Fête of Flora. Nothing could have been prettier. Flowers of speech are inadequate to describe the scene. "Simply lovely!" is the best epitome of praise.
DEAR MR. PUNCH,
Ascot has been too much for me! What with the excitement of racing all day, and bézique half the night—(another sign of the times; women no longer "play for love," but "love to play!")—to say nothing of the constant strain on one's nerves as to what the weather was going to do to one's gowns, I have had a severe attack of overwork, with complicating symptoms of my old enemy, idleness!—so that, on my return to town, my Doctor—(he's a dear man, and prescribes just what I suggest)—insisted that I should at once run down to the Seaside to recuperate. Hence my retirement to the little fishing village of Sheepsdoor in Kent, "far from the gadding crowd;" a most delightfully rural and little-known resort, where we all go about in brown canvas-shoes—(russia-leather undreamt of!)—and wear out all our old things, utterly regardless of whether we look "en suite" or not. The only precaution I take is to carry in my pocket a thick veil, which I pop on if I see anybody with evidences of "style" about them coming my way; fortunately, this has only happened once, when I met a certain well-known "Merry Duchess" and her charming little daughter, who both failed to penetrate my disguise!
I am sorry that my selected horse for the Windsor June Handicap did not run—though the word of command was given, "Macready!"—he was not told to be "present!"—being presumably short of a gallop or two, and therefore lacking "fire!" This little series of jokes is proudly dedicated to the Military, and Civilians are "warned off!"—which is another turf expression. The much-needed rain has come at last, and the Heath should be in fine condition, which was more than its namesake at Ascot was, and all for want of a little attention—I am told that the far end was all in lumps, which caused the "Lover" to come down in his race—though that was hardly a surprise, as we know that "the course of true love never did run smooth!"
Now—dear Mr. Punch, if you want a few hours' fresh air, command the special train, which I am told, is kept in readiness for you at every London Terminus, to transport you—(not for your country's good, but your own)—to Sheepsdoor, Kent, where you shall receive a hearty welcome—Lord ARTHUR is not with me, but my French maid will chaperon us—if necessary.
To a Circus in Lancashire, once I went,
To see a performing dog dance!
But, my money in vain I found I'd spent,
For I much prefer a "Clog Dance."
THE TWO SARAS OF THE SEASON.—SARA BERNHARDT and SARA SATE.
[Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, in his Election Address, explains how he has co-operated with the Conservative Government in order to maintain the Union between Great Britain and Ireland.]
The lyon would not leave her desolate,
But with her went along as a strong gard
Of her chast person, and a faithfull mate
Of her sad troubles and misfortunes hard;
And over her he kept both watch and ward,
With the assistance of two valiant knightes,
Prince ARTHURE, and the Red Crosse Paladin,
A pair of brotherlie and doughtie wightes,
Though erst had they indulged in mutual flouts and spites.
For loe! a divelish dragon didde infest
That region, and fair UNA strove to slay.
Her to protect from that prodigious pest,
The Red Crosse Knight—who lived out Midland way—
Didde, with Prince ARTHURE, travel day by day,
And prodded up that lyon as they strode,
With their speare pointes, as though in jovial play,
To holde fair UNA, who her safety owed,
Unto the puissant beaste whereon she proudlie rode.
Anon they heard a roaring hideous sound
That all the ayre with terror filled wyde,
And seemed uneath to shake the stedfast ground;
Eftsoones that dreadful dragon they espyde,
Where stretcht he lay upon the sunny side
Of a great hill, himself like a great hill:
But, all so soone as he from far descryde
Those glistering knights banded in right good will,
He rous'd himselfe full blyth, and hastned them untill.
Then badd those knightes fair UNA yede aloof,
Whiles they attacked that dragon side by side,
And put the issue to stern battaille's proof;
"We'll give this Big Green Bogey beans!" they cryde,
That Red Crosse Knight of Brummagem in his pride,
And brave Prince ARTHURE of the shining crest.
But if victoriously their blades they plied,
Or, baffled by the dragon, gave him beste,—
Why, that the barde will sing after the battaille's teste!
What a state we'll soon be in!
Such a clamour, such a din,
Raised from Kew to Dalston,
Cork to Cromer, Wight to Wick!
Seeking votes through thin and thick,
GLADSBURY and SALSTONE!
Talk and chatter, speech and cry!
Some assert, then some deny
In a near or far shire;
Call each other names and laugh,
Jeer and chuckle, joke and chaff—
DEVONCOURT and HARSHIRE!
Still they come and still they go;
Up and down, and high and low,
Many more than those four.
Speak in Council, speak in House,
Think not yet of golf or grouse,
BALBERY and ROSEFOUR.
Rush and canvass up and down,
Village, hamlet, city, town,
Stately street or poor lane;
Start committees, advertise,
Think of rousing party cries,
CHAMBERLEY and MORLAIN!
Such a fidget, such a fuss!
There is no escape for us;
We shall have it shortly.
How I wish that both would go
Off to Bath or Jericho,
SALFOURLAIN, GLADCOURTLEY!
"Cave Kanem!"—"If," Dr. KANE is reported to have said at the Ulster Appeal Meeting in St. James's Hall, last Wednesday, "If they (the Ulster Irishmen) had to choose between arbitrary oppression and an appeal for justice to the God of battles, he (Dr. KANE) had no more doubt than he had about his existence, that that appeal would be made, and that God would defend the right." With the saving clause adroitly introduced into the last sentence, everyone, except an Atheist, will agree; and, but for this, this speech reads as an incentive to Civil War, intended to stir up brother against brother to fight to the death. Such sentiments may, in the future, be remembered as marked with "the brand of KANE."
A Difficulty.—Mr. Dick was unable to keep, "King Charles the First's head" out of his literary work. So Our OSCAR, it is said, has been unable to keep the head of St. John the Baptist out of his play, Salomé, accepted by SARAH. Hence difficulty with licenser. The real truth, we believe, is that the head, according to received tradition, should be brought in by Salomé "on a charger," and SARAH protests against this, as she is not an equestrian.
A New Songstress.—Mr. CUSINS, on Wednesday last, accompanying SCHUMANN, RUBINSTEIN, & Co., may fairly be described as "CUSINS German." A very successful Concert, musically notable, among many notable things, for the début of Miss GWLADYS WOOD, who, being vociferously encored, gave a Tyrolean Volkslied, or "VOKES' Family" dance and song, playing the accompaniment herself. "She ought to do well."—I quote SHAKESPEARE, WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, the Musician, who sang a duo with Mme. VALDA. The Concert commenced with a "Septette (By DESIRE)." This is a new Composer.
The Beadle with the German Reeds' Staff.
An Afternoon with Those who "Entertain" More than Anyone in London.—"Charity Begins At Home" or rather it begins at the GERMAN REEDS,' after CORNEY GRAIN has finished his amusing "Vocal Recital." Then it is that never-failing Charity begins, and goes as well as ever. ALFRED REED is immensely funny, especially when disguised as a Charity Girl. On no account miss the Grain of Chaff's capital French version of CHEVALIER's Coster song about "'Arry 'Awkins." It's lovely! Excellent entertainment for everybody at St. George's Hall.
Doctor O'Letters.—July 6th.—Not "D.C.L." but "honorary degree of Doctor of Letters," is to be conferred by Dublin University on HENRY IRVING, for masterly management of vast correspondence. Let Oxford follow suit with a "Postmastership of Merton." Dr. L. O'TOOLE says, "I'm satisfied with 'L.L.L. Three Stars,' and plenty of it."
SCENE—An Arena at North End of Crystal Palace.—The Arena is thickly covered with sawdust, and occupied solely by a light American waggon. There is a small steam-engine at one side, with an escape-pipe and valve projecting into the Circus, and a bundle of parti-coloured stuff is fluttering overhead opposite. From loose-boxes, three or four horses are examining these ominous preparations with apprehensive eyes. Enter a Portly Gentleman in a tall hat and frock-coat, who bows to the audience, and is but faintly applauded, owing to a disappointed sense that the ideal Horse-trainer would not tame in a tall hat. However, he merely appears to introduce Professor NORTON B. SMITH, who, turning out to be a slender, tall man, in a slouch hat, black velveteen coat, breeches, and riding boots, is received with enthusiasm.
The Professor (with a slight Transatlantic accent). The first animal On my list, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a vurry bad shyer, afraid Of strange Objects, Fireworks, Music, Paper. Almost anything, in fact. Bring out Number One, boys. (To a tall Groom and a short one, who rush to the loose-boxes, the short Groom falling over a drum, to the general delight. The horse who is afraid of almost anything is brought in, and begins to plunge at once, as though defying any Professor to cure him.) Now, this animal is not Vicious, he's only Nervous.
"The short Groom falling over a drum."
[The Horse appears to resent this description of himself, and lashes out by way of contradiction.
Paterfamilias, in audience (who has a spoilt horse at home). Just what I always say about Tartar—it's nerves, not vice.
His Eldest Daughter. Shall you send him here to be cured, Father?
Paterf. No, my dear; quite unnecessary. When I see how it's done, I shall able to take Tartar in hand myself, I have no doubt.
The Prof. (instructively). It is natural For a Horse when frightened at anything in Front of him, To jump Backwards, and when frightened at anything Back of him, To jump Forwards. (Applause, in recognition of the accuracy and observation of this axiom.) Now I will show you my method Of correcting this Tendency by means Of my double Safety Rope and driving Rein, without Cruelty. Always Be Humane, Never causing any Pain if you Possibly can Help it. Fetch that Harness. (The short Groom trips again, but so elaborately as to be immediately recognised as the funny man of the performance, after which his awkwardness ceases to entertain. The Professor shouts, "Woa!" and, as the horse declines to accept this suggestion, emphasises it by pulling the double rope, which, being attached to the animals forelegs, promptly brings him on his knees, much to his surprise and indignation.) Never use the word "Woa!" Only when you mean your horse To stop. Woa! (horse down again, intensely humiliated.) If you mean him just To go quiet, say "Steady!" and teach him The difference Of the words. Never afterwards Deceiving him. (Paterf. makes a note of this on Tartar's account.) Steady ... Woa! (Same business repeated; horse evidently feeling that he is the victim of a practical joke, and depressed. Finally, Professor says "Woa!" without pulling, and horse thinks it better to take the hint.)
Paterf. Wonder where I could get that apparatus—just the thing for Tartar!
His Daughter. But you would have to lay down such a lot of sawdust first. And it might teach him to kneel down whenever you said "Woa!" you know, and that wouldn't do!
Paterf. Um! No. Never thought of that.
Prof. I will now introduce To his notice the Bass Drum. (The two Grooms dance about the horse, banging a drum and clashing cymbals, at which he shies consumedly. Gradually he appears to realise that his lines have fallen among lunatics, and that his wisest policy is to humour them. He does so, even to the extent of suffering the big drum to be beaten on his head with patient disgust.)
The Daughter. You might try that with Tartar, Father. You could have the dinner-gong, you know.
Paterf. (dubiously). H'm, I'm not at all sure that it would have the same effect, my dear.
Prof. (who has vaulted on the horse's back). I will now make him familiar With an umbrella. (Opens it suddenly; horse plunges.) Now, Sir, this is nothing but an umbrella—vurry good one too—it isn't going to hurt you; look at it!
[He waves it round the animal's head, and finally claps it over his eyes, the horse inspects it, and tacitly admits that he may have been prejudiced.
Daughter. It would be quite easy to do that, Father. We could hide in the shrubbery with parasols, and jump out at him.
Paterf. Not while I'm—Well, we must see what your Mother says about that. [Begins to wish he had come alone.
Prof. (introducing another horse). This animal is a confirmed Kicker. We'll give him a little tinware, just to amuse him. (Some tin pans and bells are attached to the animal's tail, but, perceiving that kicks are expected from him, his natural contrariness makes him decline to make sport for Philistines in this manner.) Hang on more tinware, boys! Some persons here may feel Disappointed that he Doesn't kick. Remember—that is not My Fault. They can't be too vicious to please me. (The Horse sees his way to score, and after bearing various trials in a spirit of Christian resignation, leaves the Arena, consoled by the reflection that no one there got much fun out of him, at all events. A Jibber is brought in; the Professor illustrates his patent method of teaching him to stand while being groomed, by tying a rope to his tail, seizing the halter in one hand and the rope in the other, and obliging the horse to perform an involuntary waltz, after which he mounts him and continues his discourse.) Now it occasionally happens To some riders that when they want To go down G. Street, their horse has a sort of idea he'd like to go up E. Street, and he generally does go up it too!
A Sister (to her Brother). ROBERT that's just like the horse you rode that last time, isn't it?
[ROBERT doesn't answer, fervently hoping that his Sister's Pretty Friend has not overheard this comment.
The Prof. Well, the way to overcome that is just to turn the animal round—so—several times till he gets dizzy and forgets where E. Street is, and then he says to himself, "I guess I'd better go wherever the gentleman wants!"
The Sister. ROBERT's horse turned round and round like that—didn't he, ROBERT? [ROBERT turns rather red and grunts.
Her Pretty Friend. And then did he go where your brother wanted him to?
The Sister. Oh yes, at last. (ROBERT breathes more freely.) Only without ROBERT. [ROBERT wonders bitterly why on earth a fellow's Sisters should try to make him out a regular muff like this.
[Two more horses are brought out, put in double harness in the light waggon, and driven round the Arena by the Professor. A steam whistle is let off over their heads, whereupon they rear and plunge, and back frantically, the Professor discoursing unperturbed from the waggon. After a few repetitions of this, the horses find the steam-whistle out as a brazen impostor, and become hardened sceptics from that moment. They despise the Comic Groom when he prances at them with a flag, and the performance of the Serious Man on the cymbals only inspires them with grave concern on his account. The bundle of coloured rags is let down suddenly on their heads, and causes them nothing but contemptuous amusement; crackers bang about their heels—and they pretend to be pleased; the Funny Groom (who is, by this time, almost unrecognisable with sawdust), gets on the near horse's back and bangs the drum on his head, but they are merely pained by his frivolity. Finally he throws an armful of old newspapers at them, and they exhibit every sign of boredom. After this, they are unharnessed and sent back to their boxes—a pair of equine Stoics who are past surprise at anything on this earth.]
The Prof. (concluding amidst loud applause). Ladies and Gentlemen, I have only To say that I don't carry any horses About with me, and that if anyone here has a vicious Or nervous animal, and likes to send him to me, I will undertake to handle him free of all charge.
Paterf. I shall have Tartar sent here—less trouble than trying the methods myself—and safer.
Prof. And after I have treated the animal as you have seen, the Proprietor will only have to repeat the process himself for a week or so, and I guarantee he will have a thoroughly broke horse.
[pg 317]The Daughter. There, you see, Father, some of the taming will have to be done at home!
Paterf. (who doesn't quite see himself dancing about Tartar with a drum, or brandishing an umbrella on his back). Well, TOPPIN will take the horse over, and he'll be here and see how it's done. I can't be bothered with it myself. I've too much to do!
The Daughter. I wish you would. I'm sure Tartar would rather you tamed him than TOPPIN!
[Paterf. while privately of opinion that this is not unlikely, sees no necessity to consider his horse's preferences in the matter.
House of Commons, Monday, June 20.—Black Rod got up little joke to-night by way of relieving the weight of these mournful parting moments. As soon as House met, word went round that, in absence of Mr. G., and other Leaders of the Opposition, SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE intended to take Prince ARTHUR in hand, and insist on his making clean breast of date of Dissolution. A Royal Commission arranged in other House. Black Rod despatched to summon Commons to assist at ceremony. "The SAGE wants the House of Lords abolished, does he?" said Black Rod, to his friend the White Elephant. "Very well; but before it's done, I'll bet you 100 to 1, as JOHN MORLEY says, that I, as representative of the Lords, will make him shut up, and pretty sharp too. He little knows there's a Rod in pickle for him, and a Black 'un, too."
Everything worked out as it was planned. On Motion for Third Reading of Appropriation Bill, SAGE, in his most winning way, invited Prince ARTHUR to name the happy day. Black Rod, getting tip, hurried across Lobby; reached the door just as SAGE was in middle of a sentence. "Black Rod!" roared Doorkeeper, at top of his voice. SAGE paused, looked with troubled glance towards door, stood for a moment as if he would resist the incursion, and catching sight of sword by Black Rod's side, abruptly sat down amid general titter.
"Stopped on
the threshold."
Still winding-up business. GEORGE CURZON explained Indian Budget to PLOWDEN, and Rev. SAM SMITH, who thought it very good. So it was, comprehensive, lucid, here and there brightened with felicitous touches of eloquence.
"Pity," said GRAND CROSS, when I mentioned to him the depressing circumstances attendant upon delivery of speech; "CURZON's a clever youth. When he's been with me a month or two, he'll brighten up considerably. Great advantage for a young man to have such guidance, coming into almost daily contact with a person like his present Chief. The fact is, TOBY, I am really responsible for the state of the House to-night. The country, England and India alike, are so satisfied with my rule over what I may, perhaps without offence, call our dusky Empire, that people do not think it worth while to go down to House to hear the affair discoursed on by my Under-Secretary. Amongst the natives in India, I'm told, I'm regarded as a sort of Fetish. Travellers in remote regions bring home stories of finding, set up in humble cottages, little images, more or less resembling me. GORST told me they have a saying there, which he was good enough to translate. His knowledge of Hindustanee is extensive, peculiar, and acquired with remarkable rapidity. These are the lines:
If you'd never make a loss,
Put your money on GRAND CROSS.
A free translation, GORST says, but gives you the swing and the spirit of the distich. Rather hard on CURZON that my popularity should spoil his speech, but a good thing for the country."
Business done.—Budget brought in.
Tuesday.—Wonderfully good muster in Lords to-night. Every man upon his mettle. As the MARKISS says, with that epigrammatic style that makes him so delightful, "The first duty of a Peer is to appear." Those Radicals been protesting that talk about necessity for prolonging Session over week all a flam. Simply meant to make it impossible for our delicate friend, the British Workman, to get to poll. Peers must show they mean business, by turning up with regularity and despatch.
"All over at last!"
Appeal to patriotic feelings nobly answered; nearly a hundred Lords in place to-night. CHELMSFORD, walking down with his umbrella, just about to add a unit to the number; stopped on the threshold by strange sight; looking in from room beyond the Throne, sees DENMAN standing at Table, shaking his fist at Prime Minister. DENMAN is wearing what CHELMSFORD, who is short-sighted, at first took to be red Cap of Liberty. But it's nothing more dangerous than a red skull-cap, designed to resist draughts. Needn't be red, but it is. Business before House, Third Reading of Small Holdings Bill Occurs to DENMAN to move its rejection; talks for ten minutes; difficulty to catch his remarks; understood from fragmentary phrases to be extolling someone as a luminous Statesman; seeing measure before the House is Small Holdings Bill, noble Lords naturally conclude he's talking about CHAPLIN. MARKISS interposes; says, "Noble Lord not speaking to Bill before House."
It was at this moment CHELMSFORD arrived. Saw DENMAN draw himself up to full height, shake his fist at the MARKISS, and this time at full pitch of quivering voice cry, "Ha! ha! you wish to clôture me again, do you? I'm very much obleeged to you. I have a right to refer in a hereditary assembly to the best man that ever stood in it."
Then noble Lords knew it couldn't have been CHAPLIN. Not yet.
Business done.—Still winding it up.
Tuesday, June 28.—Parliament prorogued and dissolved. "All over at last," says ROSCOE, putting it in another and more original way. Few to part where (six years ago) many met. Still some, chiefly Metropolitan Members, remain to see the last of the old Parliament.
"Good-bye, TOBY," Prince ARTHUR says, after we've shaken hands with the SPEAKER. "Shall see you again in August. You're all right. One of those happy fellows who are returned unopposed. As for me, I have to fight for my seat, and my life."
"You'll come back too," I said; "but you'll be sitting on the other side of House. What'll you do when you're in Opposition?"
"I'll go to the Opera every Wednesday night," said Prince ARTHUR, with a gleam of joy lighting up his face.
Business done.—Parliament dissolved.
NEWS ABOUT BISMARCK FOR THE BRITISH PUBLIC.—Professor SCHWENINGER, the Bizzy B.'s private physician, writes privately to Mr. Punch the following news about his distinguished patient. "Tell the B.P. that P.B. sleeps like a top. This is no hum. He is up at 7 A.M., and wishes everyone 'the top of the mornin' to you,' puts on his top-boots and top-hat, and then goes out for a spin."
FROM A CORRESPONDENT ANENT THE TRUSTEES, MESSRS. COHEN AND LEVY, AND THE GIFT OF £350,000 FOR LIVERPOOL AND MANCHESTER.—Sir,—It has been asked, what will they do with it? Liverpool and Manchester are both millionnaires and millowners too. Why not send a little to me? Who's Cohen, I mean who's goin' to Leave-y me anything? No spare Cohen—or Coin—ever comes my way! Would that a Co-hen would lay for me a golden egg as valuable as the Kohenore! Sir, I am of Irish extraction, and the Irish are of Hebraic origin, so I have some claim. Why? Because Irishmen are Hebrews first and Irish afterwards. The first settlers on settling-day in Ireland were Hebrews to a man, and isn't it clear that "Liffey" was originally "Levy?"
Leafy June 30.
Hostess. "I'VE GOT SUCH A COLD TO-DAY. I FEEL QUITE STUPID!"
Prize Idiot (calling). "I'VE GOT A BAD COLD TOO; BUT I DON'T FEEL PARTICULARLY STUPID!
Hostess. "AH, I SEE YOU'RE NOT QUITE YOURSELF!"
(Lately-discovered Fragments of a Grand Old Ballad, the Sequel to which may—or may not—turn up later on.)
JOHN GILPIN was a patriot
Of credit and renown;
A Grand Old Leader eke was he,
Of famous London town.
JOHN's Liberal Lady said, "Oh, dear!
Out in the cold we've been
These seven tedious years, and have
No chance of Office seen.
"To-morrow is Election Day,
And we may then repair
Our Party-split a little bit,—
That is—if you take care!
"Our Sisters, and the Labour lot,
Need soothing, you'll agree;
If we can all together ride,
I think we'll have a spree."
He soon replied, "I do admire
Of Liberal Dames but one,
And you are she, my dearest dear;
Therefore it shall be done!
"I am a Programme-rider bold,
As all the world doth know,
And my good friend the Party 'Whip'
Will teach me how to go."
Quoth the good dame, "Liquor we'll want,
The 'Union Tap' is queer;
We'll furnished be with our own 'Blend,'
Scotch-Irish bright and clear."
JOHN GILPIN kissed his partner shrewd;
O'erjoyed was he to find
That, though on conquest she was bent,
She had a prudent mind.
JOHN GILPIN, at his horse's side,
Seized fast the flowing mane,
And up he got, in haste to ride,
But soon came down again.
For saddle-tree scarce reached had he,
His journey to begin.
When, turning round his head, he saw
Queer customers come in.
So down he came; for loss of time,
Although it grieved him sore,
Yet loss of Votes, full well he knew,
Would trouble him much more.
'Twas long, ere these queer customers
Were suited to their mind,
When SCHNADDY, shouting, came down stairs,
"The tipple's left behind!"
"Good lack!" quoth he, "yet bring it me,
My leathern belt likewise,
In which I bear my trusty blade
When foes I 'pulverise.'"
His Liberal Lady (careful soul!)
Had two big bottles found,
To hold the liquor that she loved,
And keep it safe and sound.
Each bottle had a curling ear,
Through which the belt he drew,
And hung a bottle at each side,
To keep his balance true.
Then, over all, that he might be
Equipped from top to toe,
His long green cloak, well-brushed and neat,
He manfully did throw.
Now see him mounted once again
Upon his docile steed,
Full slowly pacing o'er the stones,
With caution and good heed.
It might have been a smoother road,
Nor was it nice to meet
First off, a Pig, who GILPIN bold
With stubborn grunt did greet.
So fair and softly! JOHNY cried,
But—
[Here the fragment, so far as at present discovered, abruptly endeth.
TIP FROM OUR OWN BOOKING-OFFICE.—Persons about to go to the Country, whether to defend their own seat or attack someone else's, can't do better, my Baronite says, than take with them P.W. CLAYDEN's England Under Coalition, just published by FISHER UNWIN. It's not much to carry, but it's worth the trouble of packing up; also of unpacking, and reading. It tells the story of two Parliaments and three Governments. A pretty story it is, more interesting than most novels, and in one volume too. A marvel of condensation and lucid narrative. Only one thing lacking to a work likely to be constantly used for reference, and that is an index. "But you can't have everything," as Queen Eleanor said to Fair Rosamond when, having swallowed the contents of the poisoned chalice, she asked for a dagger.
"NOW SEE HIM MOUNTED ONCE AGAIN
UPON HIS NIMBLE STEED,
FULL SLOWLY PACING O'ER THE STONES,
WITH CAUTION AND GOOD HEED."
Buttons (fresh from the Country, evidently no French Scholar). "I SAY, MARY, THE GUV'NOR AND MISSUS ARE DINING OUT TO-NIGHT. BUT I CAN'T FOR THE LIFE OF ME MAKE OUT WHAT A R, A S, A V, AND A P MEAN ON THIS 'ERE CARD!"
Smart Housemaid. "WHY, OF COURSE IT MEANS THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE RUMP STEAK AND VEAL PIE!"
DEAR SIR,—I am glad you consented eventually to the terms I proposed. After all, £100 a-week (and expenses) is a mere trifle for the arduous work I expect to do for you. According to your instructions, I arrived three nights ago in the ancient borough of Bunkham-on-the-Marsh, and at once took steps to pursue those inquiries which are necessary for a satisfactory estimate of the political situation. My experience as a lightning change artiste is quite invaluable. I visit the Liberal Committee-rooms, and attend Liberal meetings in a complete suit of corduroys and horny hands. Five minutes afterwards I find myself in a military moustache, a frock coat, and patent leather boots at the Conservative head-quarters. In the former disguise I enthusiastically advocate the Newcastle Programme, and denounce the base minions of Coercion. In the latter I rouse Conservative partisans to frenzy by my impassioned appeals on behalf of one Queen, one Flag, one Empire, and a policy of enlightened Conservative progress. I can highly recommend my two perorations, in one of which I consign Mr. GLADSTONE to eternal infamy, while in the other I hold up Lord SALISBURY to the derision of mankind.
I send you herewith extracts from the two newspapers published in Bunkham. The Bunkham News is the organ of the Liberals; the Bunkham Standard (with which are incorporated the Bunkham Messenger and the Bunkham Guardian and Mangelhire Express) expresses the views of the Conservatives in this important district.
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| At last! The period of subterfuges and evasions is past. Fraud and dishonesty have had their day, Coercion has done its worst, and the time has come when the most scandalous and disgraceful Government of which history bears record, will have to submit itself for judgment to the opinions of those who are dishonoured by being its fellow-countrymen. We can have no doubt whatever as to what the result of the contest will be in this enlightened constituency. The men of Bunkham have been at all times noted for their love of freedom and justice, and for their hatred of those who base themselves upon oppression and iniquity. The Liberal Candidate, Mr. HENRY PLEDGER, has now been before the Constituency for more than a year. Wherever he has gone he has been received with unparalleled demonstrations of enthusiasm by the immense majority of our fellow-townsmen. His eloquence, combined with his engaging manners, have won all hearts. The fight will be short, but severe. Men of Bunkham, will you lag in the rear? The issue is to those who work from now to the polling day. If you only make a united effort, triumph is assured. | The date of the Dissolution has been fixed, and by making it impossible for the Elections to be held on a Saturday, the Government have given one more proof of their deep and sincere devotion to the highest interests of the working-classes. There never has been any Ministry, we make bold to say, whose record will better bear the fierce light of public investigation. Grievances have been redressed, moderate reforms, such as the country desired, have been passed into law, and turbulence and outrage have been repressed. No body of men ever deserved more fully what they now possess, and are sure to retain—the confidence and gratitude of their fellow-citizens. Our Member, Mr. TUFFAN, has borne a not unimportant part in assisting the Government by his presence in the House of Commons. His manly, straightforward integrity, and his universal generosity, have endeared him to all classes in Bunkham. We look forward with absolute confidence to his return by an immense majority. From the disorganised ranks of our adversaries there is little to fear. Let us stand shoulder to shoulder, and leave no stone unturned to win a victory which is even now within our grasp. |
I have had interviews with prominent politicians on both sides, and have been assured on both sides, that victory is certain. Both Candidates are constantly occupied in driving all over the borough in pair-horse carriages, lavishly decorated with the party colours, orange for the Liberals, blue for the Conservatives. Mrs. PLEDGER is magnificent in an orange silk dress; Mrs. TUFFAN overwhelms me with blue ribbons. Master PLEDGER waves an orange banner in every street; Miss TUFFAN distributes blue cards in all the shops. The Liberal Committee-rooms are ablaze with pictures of Mr. GLADSTONE; the Conservative Office flames with Union Jacks, and other Imperial devices. Eight meetings are to be held in different parts of the Constituency to-night. Immense efforts are being made to capture the votes of the Association of Jam Dealers, which has its chief factory here. Master PLEDGER has just gone by in a Victoria, with a huge pot of "Bunkham Jam" on the seat in front of him. He had a spoon, and was apparently enjoying himself. This manoeuvre has much depressed the Conservatives, who consider it disgraceful. More next week.
NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
Advice Gratis, 291, 305
After Dinner—at the Close of the Year, 1
After the Event, 268
"Airy Fairy Lilly 'Un!" 125
"All's (Fairly) Well," 189
"And a good Judge, too," 87
Anglo-American French, 108
Another Rural Conference, 37
Another Shakspeare, 133
Any Man to any Woman, 227
April Showers, 198
Archdeacon Answered (The), 310
"Are you Hansard now?" 133
'Arry Examined, 15
'Arry on Wheels, 217
Ars Longa, 221
Art in the City, 232
Atrabilious Liverpool, 6
Aspirations, 262
At Mrs. Ram's, 42
Attack on the "Capital" (The), 66
Bachelor's Growl (A), 294
Berlin Citizen's Diary (A), 190
Better and Better, 268
"Beyond the Dreams of Avarice," 161
Bird of Prey (A), 230
Blizzard from the North, 278
Boat-Race Day, 169
Bogie Man (The), 138
Bones of Joseph (The), 313
Bos v. Boss, 9
Bounds of Science (The), 182
Boxing Imbroglio (The), 39
Brawling at Home and Abroad, 179
Breaking, 186
Brer Fox and Old Man Crow, 281
Bridal Wreath (The), 42
Broken Bonds, 182
Brother Brush, A.R.A., 65
Brown-Jones Incident (The), 197
Burial of the "Broad Gauge" (The), 266
Burning Words, 237
"Butchered to make ——," 147
Butter and Bosh, 138
By a Small Western, 93
By One of the Unemployed, 289
Capital! 25
"Call you this Backing your Friends?" 218
Cardinal Manning, 39
"Cave Kanem!" 315
Change of Name suggested, 42
Charles Haddon Spurgeon, 73
"Charles, his Friends," 83
Chef's New Dish for Travellers (The), 124
Chimes (The), 2
Christmas in Germany, 24
Churlish Cabman (The), 157
City Men, 94
"Clerk me no Clerks," 153
Climatic Nomenclature for the New Year, 6
Cockney Classics, 179
"Combining Amusement with Instruction," 100
"Come hither, Hubert!" 69
Coming of Ninety-Two, 6
Complicated Case, 89
Confessions of a Duffer, 35, 45, 49, 76, 97, 125, 141, 169, 202, 229, 256, 285
Connected with the Press, 189
Considerate, 265
Couplet by a Cynic, 222
Courier of the Hague (The), 289
Court Cards, 233
Covent Garden Masque (The), 37
Cries without Wool, 48, 129
Criterion of Morals (A), 225
Crossed-Examination, 24
Cross-Examiner's Vade Mecum (The), 27
Cupid's Tennis-Courts, 81
Cursory Observation (A), 213
"Cuts!" 303
Dangerous Title (A), 72
Dawn of a New Era (The), 48
Day at Antwerp (A), 277
"Deadly Cigarette" (The), 252
Death in the Pop, 124
Dentist's Waiting-Room (A), 261
"De Profundis," 209
Destroying the Spider's Web, 159
Dialogue of the Future (A), 37
Dissolution—(as the Enemy of the London Season), 290
Dogs and Cats, 94
Doing the Old Masters, 121
Dreams, 131
Drinks and Dramas, 189
Duke of Devonshire (The), 1
Dynamite Dragon (The), 186
Dynamitical Arguments, 21
Earl's Court Idyl (An), 304
Early Spring, 229
Effectively Settling it, 172
Election Notes, 321
Empty Triumph (An), 172
Encounter, 124
Entêtement Britannique, 133
Episcopacy in Danger, 268
Essence of Parliament, 84, 90, 102, 114, 131, 143, 155, 166, 179, 190, 227, 238, 244, 264, 274, 286, 300, 310, 317
Fair Philosopher (A), 41
Fair Traders, 261
Fancy Ball (The), 106
Fête of Flora (The), 313
Fettered, 195
Fogged! 21
Force of Example (The), 135
Foreign and Home News, 73
"Foresters" (The), 161
Free and Easy Theatres, 36
"Frogs" at Oxford (The), 145
From a Lahore Paper, 298
From Parliamentary Exam. Paper, 99
From Robert, 174
From the Shades, 262
From the Theatres, &c., Commission, 198
Fudge Formula (A), 118
General's Little Fund (The), 242
Gifted Being (A), 310
Gifts for the New Year, 9
Girls of the Period, 305
Gladstonian Mem (A), 47
Good Grace-ious! 85
Good News indeed! 36
Great Loss to Everybody (A), 135
Greek meets Greek, 9
"Hair-Cutting, Singeing, and Shampooing," 136
Hamlet in half an hour, 281
Hamlet in the Haymarket (The), 185
Hamlet; or, Keeping it Dark, 225
"Hard to Beer!" 25
Haunted House (The), 250
"Heavens!" 69
High (Beerbohm) Treason! 65
History as she is Played! 273
Hero of the Summer Sale (The), 60
Honour of the Bar (The), 48
Horace in London, 93, 120, 137, 149, 269, 312
Horse-Educator (The), 316
Hospitality à la Mode, 145
How they bring the Good News, 214
How to Report the Practice of the Crews, 159
How to Save London, 113
Humpty-Dumpty up again! 17
Hyde Park Corner, 261
Imperial Jack-in-the-Box (The), 51
In Defence of the Great Paradoxist, 262
India for the Irish! 99
In Fancy Dress, 196
Influenza Song (An), 93
Inharmonious Colours, 306
"Innings declared Closed," 282
In Statu,—quo? 70
In the Seat of Wisdom, 94
In this style, Six-and-Eightpence, 81
"It will Wash!" 288
Jim's Jottings, 14, 85
Jokim's Latest Little Joke, 204
Judges in Council (The), 59
Justice for Justice, 108
Kensington Gardens, 297
Killing no Murder, 266
King and the Clown (The), 172
"Know all men by these Presents," 213
Lady Gay's Selections, 261, 273, 286, 300, 302, 313
"La Grippe," 61
La Justice pour Rire, 218
Last of the Guards (The), 75
Latterday Valentine (A), 89
Laying a Ghost, 201
Lay of the Analytic Novelist (The), 17
Lay of the Literary Autolycus (The), 213
Lay of the Litigant (The), 60
Lay Sermon (A), 246
Lays of Modern Home, 9
Legend of the Mutton Bone (The), 192
Letters to Abstractions, 5, 72, 112, 184
Liquor Question (A), 193
Limb and the Law (The), 262
"Little Holiday" (A), 126
Local Colour, 94
Lockwood the Lecturer, 145
Lord Bramwell, 258
Lord Wildermere's Mother-in-Law, 123
Lost Luggage, 265
"Marie, come up!" 57
"Married and Single," 273
Marvels of Modern Science (The), 157
Matinée Mania, 165
Matrimony Up to Date, 39
"Meeting of the Waters" (The), 118
Mems. of Theatres, &c., Commission, 244
Menu from Birmingham (A), 70
Menu from Hatfield (A), 54
Mixed, 245
Moan of the Music-Hall Muse (The), 278
Modern Alexander's Feast (The), 111
Modesty of Genius (The), 133
More Bones to Pick with the School-Board, 81
More than Satisfied, 241
Morning of the Derby (The), 273
Mr. Bayly's Coast-Spectre, 47
Mr. Goschen's Budget, 193
Mr. Punch's Agricultural Novel, 226
Mr. Punch's Boat-Race Novel, 177
Mr. Punch's Hebridean Salmon-Fly Book, 205
Mr. Punch's New-Year Honours, Gifts, Good Wishes, and Greetings, 23
Mr. Punch's Royal Academy Guide, 220
Mr. Punch's Up-to-Date Poetry for Children, 145, 213
Mr. Punch to the Illustrated London News, 242
Mr. Punch to the Life-boat Men, 74
Mrs. Ram on Current Politics, 69
"Murder in Jest," 237
"Music in Our Street" (The), 57
"Must it come to this?" 129
"My dear Eyes! What! See-usan!" 153
My Soap, 193
"Names and their Meaning," 171
Neo-Dramatic Nursery Rhyme, 193
"Ne Plus Ulster," 305
Newest Narcissus (The), 194
New Gallery (The), 227
New Learning (The), 249
New Monitor (The), 18
News about Bismarck, 317
New Songstress (A), 315
Night Lights, 57
"Not at Home!" 234
Ode to a Giraffe, 173
Odont.! 298
"Off his Feed," 123
Old Friend at the Criterion (An), 101
Old Song Revived (An), 294
On a New Yearling, 13
"One Touch of Nature," 262
Only Fancy! 12, 23, 29, 39
On my Lady's Poodle, 261
On Religious Cymbalism, 106
"On the Blazoned Scroll of Fame," 141
On the First Green Chair, 189
On the (Post) Cards, 209
On the Row among the Romancers, 240
"On the Sly," 83
On the Traill, 60
Opera-Goer's Diary (The), 257, 280
Operatic Notes, 269, 293, 305, 313
"Orme! Sweet Orme!" 242
Other "Westminster Stable" (The), 246
Our Booking-Office, 4, 21, 36, 41, 60, 94, 108, 109, 133, 149, 185, 197, 250, 257, 268
Our Cookery-Bookery, 249
Our Cricketers, 179
Our Humorous Composer, 25
Our Sal Volatile; or, A Wriggler Sarpint of Old Nile, 278
"Out in the Cold!" 63
Paddywhack and Dr. Birch, 105
Palmy Day at St. Raphael (A), 65
Paragon Frame (of Mind) (A), 69
Parliament à la Mode de Paris, 51
Parliament in Sport, 63
Personal Paragraphs, 181
Philosophic Stupidity, 118
Playful Sally (The), 304
Playing Old Harry at the Lyceum, 33
Plea for the Defence (A), 137
"Pleased as Punch," 65
"Pleasing the Pigs!" 73
Poet and the Songs (The), 173
Point of View (The), 206
Polite Literature, 59
Political Johnny Gilpin (The), 318
Political Lady-Cricketers (The), 254
Politics, 315
Ponsch, Prince of Ollendorff, 148
Popular Songs Re-sung, 13, 109, 143, 237
Poser for Mr. Weatherby (A), 126
[pg 324]Preserved Venice, 52
Preux Chevalier, 36
Private and the Public (The), 120
Private Reflections of the Public Orator at Cambridge, 297
"Probable Starters," 282
Prudes and Nudes, 174
Puzzler for a Costumier, 69
Queer Queries, 118
Query by a Depressed Convalescent, 89
Query by "Pen" (A), 94
Question of Politeness, 171
Quite Appropriate, 240
Quite Clear, 9
Quite in Keeping, 273
Rather Large Order (A), 184
Receipt against Influenza, 61
Reckoning without their Host, 223
Recollections of (Cockney) "Arabian" Days and Nights, 234
Reddie-turus Salutat, 218
"Regrets and Greaves," 246
Rembrandt, Titian, Velasquez, &c., 180
Reported Disappearance of the Broad Gauge, 258
Repulsing the Amazons, 216
"Resignation of an Alderman," 280
Respectability, 37
"Returned Empty" (The), 26
Rice and Prunes, 101
Rich v. Poor, 133
Riddle (A), 69, 227
"Ring and the Book" (The), 120
Robert in a Fog! 24
Robert on the Hartistic Copperashun, 206
Robert's Cure for the Hinfluenzy, 96
Royal Academy Banquet, 222
Saints or Sinners? 205
Sanitary Congress at Venice (The), 39
Scale with the False Weights (The), 124
Screwed up at Magdalen, 118
Seasonable (and Suitable) Good Wishes, 9
Seasonable Weather, 228
Settler for Mr. Woods (A), 121
Seven Ages of Woman (The), 230
Shady Valet (A), 195
"Signs" of the Times, 171
Simple Stories, 4
Singular Plurality, 262
Sly Old Socrates, 309
(Soldiers') Life we Live (The), 214
Something New in Soap, 65
Song for Lord Rosebery, 42
Sonnet on the South-Eastern, 218
Spring's Delights in London, 193
Spring Time in Leap Year, 150
St. John's Wood, 262
Strange but True, 87
Strange Charge against a Great Poet, 132
Studies in the New Poetry, 268, 292
Sunday Observance, 173
Syllogisms of the Stump, 297
Take Care! 83
Taking a Sight at Ringandknock, 201
Talk over the Tub (A), 54
"Ta-ra-ra" Boom (The), 149
Telephone Cinderella (The), 162
Telephonic Theatre-goers, 208
Tennysonian Fragment (A), 89
"Textuel," 282
Theatres and Music Halls Commission, 173
Theft v. Thrift, 23
"There's the Rub!" 30
"This Indenture witnesseth," 73
Times Change, 99
Tip from Our Own Booking-Office, 318
Tip-top Tipster (A), 280
"'Tis Merry in Hall," 157
To a Railway Foot-Warmer, 133
To be or Not to be—discovered, 278
To Justice, 9
To Lord Salisbury, 258
To my Cigarette, 53
To my Cook, 201
Too Conscientious, 240
Too Much of a Good Thing, 48
Tooting, 161
To Police-Constables Smeeth and Tappin, 81
To Queen Coal, 138
To the Future A.R.A., 72
To the Grand Old Tory, 237
To the New "Queen of the May," 210
To the Queen, 61
To the Young City Men, 147
Town Thoughts from the Country, 193
Tramways, 245
Travelling Companions (The), 11, 16, 23, 40, 64, 83
Trial in Novel Form (A), 12
True and Trusty, 70
True Modesty, 211
Truly and Reely, 84
Two Archers (The), 227
Two Dromios, 171
Two Shepherds (The), 87
Una and the British Lion, 314
Unasked, 30
Unobserved of One "Observer" (The), 106
Upon Julia's Coat, 189
Useful Cricketer (The), 297
Vans de Luxe, 252
Venice at Olympia, 36
Venice in London, 41
Venice Reserved, 253
"Versailles" in Leicester Square, 301
Very "Dark Horse" (A), 270
Very "French before Breakfast," 262
Very Natural Error, 288
Very Orchid! 168
Vigorous Vicar (The), 288
"Vive la Liberté!" 106
Volunteer Review at Dover (The), 172
Waiting Game (A), 174
Walt Whitman, 179
Want (A), 193
Water-Colour Room at the Academy (The), 227
Way they have in the Army (The), 292
Weather Reform, 96
Wellington Monument (The), 213
What do they Mean by it? 129
"When Greek meets Greek," 306
Whipped in Vain, 73
Wilde "Tage" to a Tame Play (A), 113
Wilful Wilhelm, 146
William the Whaler, 170
With the Easter Eggs, 185
World on the Wheels (The), 222
Wrestling with Whistlers, 181
Wright and Wrong, 85
Ye Moderates of London, 145
Young Girl's Companion (The), 204, 216, 225, 252
April Showers; or, a Spoilt Easter Holiday, 199
Attack on the "Capital" (The), 67
Bogie Man (The), 139
"Coming of Arthur" (The), 91
Coming of Ninety-Two (The), 7
Dynamite Dragon (The), 187
Gift from the Greeks (A), 103
"Her Majesty's Servants," 78, 79
"Innings Closed," 283
January 14, 1892, 43
"Little Holiday" (A), 127
New Monitor (The), 19
New "Queen of the May" (The), 211
"Not at Home!" 235
Old Song Revived (An), 295
Other "Westminster Stable" (The), 247
Political Johnny Gilpin (The), 319
Reckoning without their Host, 223
"Short 'Anded," 55
Spring Time in Leap Year, 151
Telephone Cinderella (The), 163
"There's the Rub!" 31
"Under which Thimble?" 259
Very "Dark Horse" (A), 271
Waiting Game (A), 175
"When Greek meets Greek," 307
Younger than Ever; 115
Æsthetic Idea of Plate-Glass Window, 273
Archie's Sister reading Fairy Tales, 174
'Arry 'Untin' in the Frost, 3
Au Revoir to the Foxes, 214
Autumn Goods in Pictures, 206
"Bandy" Association playing Hockey, 101
Baronet explains "Early and Late," 250
Barrister suggests a "Bad Objection," 185
"Beaters" after Luncheon, 96
Bismarck Cut by Emperor, 303
Bismarck "Out in the Cold," 62
Black and White Boxing Contest, 287
British Lion and the New Khedive, 38
Buffalo and Broncho at Earl's Court, 276
Bumble and the Evicted Poor, 14
Burial of the "Broad-Gauge" (The), 267
Candidate Catching, 239
"Champagne first, then Claret," 147
Chancery Judges airing Infant Suitors, 94
Chaplin and the Pigs, 73
Cheeky Artist and German Picture-Dealer, 124
Chief Groups in Commons' Waxworks, 178
Chimes of 1892 (The), 2
"Claiming the Land," 322
Cockney Art-Teacher and Pupil, 238
Cook Basting a Joint, 109
Dancing Lady very much Engaged, 302
Dancing Men at Supper, 126
Dean's Wife and Bishop's Butler, 75
Destroying the Money-Spider's Web, 158
Dissatisfied with her Dressmaker, 54
Dissolution Spectre (The), 290
Doctors Irving and Toole, 310
Doctor's Ugly Children (The), 222
Drummondo Wolffez, the Bull-fighter, 59
D.T. Patient and his Skeleton, 39
Edith's Grace after Pudding, 254
Erne on Rabbits and Multiplication, 246
Ethel and the "Lion of the Season," 209
Ethel's Question on Face and Hair-Powder, 268
Faint Comet (A), 179
Fair Matron and Great Mathematician, 70
Fancy Portrait of Oscar Wilde, 113
Farmer Murphy at the Box-Office, 230
Fashionable Lady's Ugly Side (A), 234
Fashionable Mother's Child's Age, 294
Fat and Thin Pug-Dogs, 102
Father Time and Coming Events, 10
Footman and Page-Boy, 23
Footman recommending a Dentist, 135
Fox-hunters among the Turnips, 29
French and English Infantrymen, 207
General Boombastes Booth, 106
Georgie Porgie Gladstone, 279
German Emperor as Jupiter, 110
German Emperor destroying Papers, 146
German William's Wheeling Expedition, 170
Gladstone and Friends' Letters, 311
Golf Implements without the Links, 94
"Good Staying" Mare (A), 61
Grand Old Energy, 130
Group of Goormongs (A), 150
Harcourt as a Commercial Traveller, 274
Haunted House of Commons (The), 251
History Exam, on the Great Sapolio, 210
Housemaid and Footman Conversing, 179
Housemaid defines R.S.V.P., 321
House of Lords Waxworks, 107
Hunter hung up on a Stile, 129
Hunting Man has had "a Drop too much," 37
Hunting Man walks without Boots, 177
Impatient Old Gent at Post-Office, 182
Imperial Jack-in-the-Box (The), 50
Inebriated Gent at Signal-Box, 123
Jones and Dinner Conversation, 282
Jones and Press Criticisms, 66
Judge hearing Two Cases at Once, 65
Judges Serving in Refreshment Bar, 81
Kent Road Belle and Contrast, 291
Labouchere Ferret and Blackmailing Rat, 148
Lady and Ignorant Voter's Wife, 237
Lady and M.P. meet in the Park, 138
Lady Diana and the Horse-dealer, 159
Lady Harpy (The), 231
La France forsaken by the Russ, 183
Leaving out the "Ought," 194
Little Charlie's Good-bye at a Station, 111
Little Ethel and the Whipped Cream, 198
Little Swell and Wild West Indians, 309
London in Venice, 119
Lovers in a French Cemetery, 25
Maid and Dowager's Dress, 63
Maid who didn't Suit the Situation, 298
Maiden who wishes to be engaged, 69
Mamma on People worth Knowing, 42
Mariana's difficulty with Curling Tongs, 63
Married Vicar and his Curate, 292
Master administering the Rod, 109
Middy and the Bay-Rum, 153
Middy and the Bishop, 258
Miss Certainage believes she will die young, 242
Miss Eugenia's Taste for Antiques, 131
Miss Twelfthnight's Characters, 22
Modern Criminal Hero (The), 195
Morley's Stray Sheep, 86
Mr. Punch congratulates Madame Illustrated London News, 243
Mr. Punch Golfing, 1
Mrs. Dasher and the Complimentary Major, 155
New Companion's H.'s (The), 286
New L.C.C. Waxworks (The), 142
Newly-Married M.P. and Wife, 306
Old Maid and Chapel-going Servant, 193
Our Artist's Execution, 99
Our Little Artist's Tall Women, 270
Over Time in Leap Year, 12
Page-Boy and the Door-Plate, 197
Page-Boy and the Major's Coat, 47
Page-Boy in Love (The), 137
Pair of Old-fashioned Snuffers, 6
Parliamentary Safety Bicycle Championship, 82
Parliament Member's Thoughts, 203
Pavement Artist at Whistler's Show, 171
Picking a Funny Bone, 186
Picture of "Olympia" (A), 190
Polite 'Bus Conductor (The), 218
Political Lady-Cricketers (The), 255
Political Wirepuller at Work (The), 58
Private View, Royal Academy, 215
Prize Idiot with a Cold, 318
Punch and the Lifeboat-Men, 74
Race for the Country (The), 299
Racer "Majority" Off his Feed, 122
Railway Travellers' Last Match, 114
Randolph returned from Mashonaland, 26
Representations of the London County Council, 191
"Round" or "Square"? 15
Royal Parliamentary Tournament, 263
Russian Recruiting Sergeant and the Shah, 219
Salvation House of Commons (The), 154
Schoolboy making his Sister "Fag," 118
Scotch Gamekeepers and Londoner, 18
Scotchwoman on Lady Doctors (A), 245
Sea-side Ballad-Singer and Old Lady, 21
Short Dancing-Man and his Hostess, 162
Sir Bonamy's Dinner-Book, 90
Sketches in the Saddle, 34
Sketches of Balfour the Leader, 167
Sketching in the Train, 46
Speaking French without an Accent, 214
Speaking Likeness of a Dumb Model, 30
Sporting Gentleman and Parson, 266
Street Music, 57
"Through Darkest Lambeth," 315
Tommy and his Grandpapa, 161
Tommy and Jimmy criticising Picture, 262
Two Hamlets (The), 73
Una and the British Lion, 314
Unwilling Imitator of Lottie Collins, 227
Venus of 1892 rising from the Sea, 293
Volunteer and the Jury List (The), 134
"Waking-up" for the Opening of the Session, 71
Westminster Waxworks, 1892 (The), 95
William the Conqueror and the Range Act, 98
Wishing he had been a "Bear," 274
Wishing Mamma was a Kangaroo, 304
Worried Journalist and Philistine Wife, 27
Young Lady Popular Novelist (A), 83
Young Wife and Club Telephone, 51
Young Wife and Old Spinster, 87
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